1. I would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize!
2. Always borrow money from pessimists.....they never expect it back.
3. Half the people you know are below average.
4. 99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. a conscious is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
7. a clear conscious is a sign of a bad memory.
8. All those people who believe in psychkinesis raise my hand.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
10. How can you tell if you are out of invisible ink?
11. what is the speed of dark?
12.Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
13. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
13. Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.
14. If Barbie was so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
15. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
16. What happens if you get scared half to death.....twice?
17. Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
18. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
19. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
20. experience is something you don't get until just AFTER you need it.
21. If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
22. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
And the best?
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard!