Music Saved My Life (plus the saddest song i've ever written)

By no eff eks · Oct 24, 2012 · ·
  1. no eff eks
    A year ago I was one of the most miserable people on the planet. I was ready to turn my back on every person in my life because I really had nothing left in it that I enjoyed.

    Then I snapped out of it. I realized I had friends. I realized I still had potential. I realized I was happy and it wasn't from drugs or codependency. That was neat, but I was still stuck working a dead end job with zero ambition or direction for the future.

    So I started posting webcam videos of myself playing my favorite songs on YouTube ( I kinda liked the videos, but also knew I could do better. I eventually put forth more of an effort, and I think it shows. I'm pretty pleased with what I've done, and the people that do find it seem to like it. It's acoustic punk, I don't know how else to describe it - check it out or don't, whatever...

    More importantly around may I met a kid at work that was starting a punk band with another guy. At first I played drums, and they were pleased but I felt like I sucked. I managed to weasel my way into playing lead guitar and sharing lead vocals with the bass player. We had a practice space in my basement, we had a P.A. and a drum set along with mics and guitars/amps... Then I found a drummer through another friend. He likes all the same music as us, and he's way better than me.

    Things came together fast. Within a couple weeks we were good enough to play shows. We still keep working on songs as we all fight with full time work or school schedules. The second guitar player is a college senior and has been MIA mostly the past couple months. Still we keep putting songs together and already have an album worth of material that is 60-100% done. It's fucking cool - we're making music that I would like, we're playing my songs, I'm making other people's songs my own... This is what I want to do with my life.

    I've always kind of known that. I had a band all through high school that was very popular in my tiny high school (even though we sucked and played only covers). I knew that I was a mediocre musician, but I knew that I loved it. Instead of pursuing that I started going to college for Political Science. I hated what I saw when I thought about what I might be able to accomplish with that degree... Next up - pre-law. Why? I have no idea. It lasted one semester and I realized how little I wanted to pursue that line of work -- justice does not matter in the justice system and that is something I cannot participate in. Then I tried "Broad Field Science" with a Geology minor. That was interesting enough - I truly love science, but when I tried to imagine my future I could only see frustration, stagnation, and disillusionment with the world of academia or industry. So I quit... after 7 semesters and two different universities. I tried online poker.

    Poker was cool. I learned a ton about being a more rational thinker, improved my quick math skills, and learned a ton about how people think and react to the world around them. I was good - but after a few years I realized I wasn't great... I was discouraged, I lost my drive to keep improving, I lost my drive to even play... A couple years later I quit again.

    I worked odd jobs for my parents for almost a year... I hated that so much. I worked hard for my money, but I still knew that they didn't really need to pay somebody to do these things. It felt like charity, and at the time I needed it. I was fucked up - hated myself, popping downers constantly, living in a complete daze, unable to even contemplate moving forward with my life.

    Eventually I got a full time job delivering sandwiches. I wasn't sure what to make of the place right away. It's a college-age customer base which is cool... I might be nearly 28 but I look 21 at best. The people I worked with were nice to me and seemed to have fun. Before I knew it I was doing downers again, then got fucked up on MDPV. The people I worked with were so kind to me through it all and I don't really understand why. Somehow I snapped out of it about a year ago, and I learned how to like myself... and that brings us back to where we started.

    My band has a long way to go, but we actually have potential. It's exciting, and for once I have something to look forward to - something to get excited about. I don't really give a fuck if my band gets any kind of following, but I do know that I'm going to find a way to make a living off music. I'll do it on my own terms, and at my own pace... and that's good enough for me.

    Yesterday I took some sketchy imitation ecstasy and had a very disappointing experience. Today my band was supposed to practice and only one guy showed up while two of them had stupid excuses. I was just in a shitty angry state of mind and decided to write a song... I came up with part of the chorus while rolling, and it popped back in my head tonight so I finished it...


    let it die

    try to remind myself how long it has been
    but it still feels like my whole world is caving in
    you don't even know her anymore
    no i don't even know you anymore
    so what the fuck is this pain for?

    oh jessica
    how i miss you
    wish i could kiss you
    or even see you again

    but i understand
    why this must be
    and why you left me
    all alone crying again

    now i'm sorry jessica
    and i'm sorry everyone

    said i'm sorry i'm this sad unmotivated addict
    treat life like a game and it appears i am losing at it
    and i never really tried anyway
    i never even wanted to play
    would everyone just go away

    oh jessica
    how i miss you
    wish i could kiss you
    don't want to see you again

    because i understand
    why this must be
    and why you left me
    now i'm just crying again

    and i'm sorry jessica
    mostly i'm sorry everyone


    (my band is called The Lackeys check out our horrible recordings on reverbnation - i promise we sound better than that now. two of the songs we do are on my youtube channel as solo acoustic versions... also i have a huge crush on our drummer and i really hope that i don't do anything stupid that fucks up the band - drummers are hard to find)

    (i'm also gonna throw up the lyrics to some other songs... first it's the first song i ever wrote back when I was 15 or 16... i seem to have forgotten the actual first verse so it's kinda different than it was but the song is still just as ridiculous)

    Peg Leg

    if i were a pirate i'd hate you, you'd hate me
    now i think to myself what would the difference be
    when you're a pirate no one laughs at your peg leg
    but i am no pirate and life is such a drag

    i'm stuck and i'm sucking and fucking just singing along
    trying to remember the words to my pirate song

    see me go pillaging, see me go raping
    i'll be a pirate man just wait and see
    see me go pillaging, see me go raiding
    when i'm a pirate nobody fucks with me

    i'd go walking into bars with my pirate sword out
    got my parrot on my shoulder he lets the whole work know
    what my eye-patch just can't do
    i wanna be a pirate man, if you only knew

    when i'm a pirate nobody fucks with me
    i'll be a pirate someday just wait and see


    (this is the final version of a song i started a while ago that is on youtube and is played by my band)

    Better Left Unsaid

    (formerly called Somebody Else Landed On A Moon Of Saturn)

    please excuse me while i plead to you for a minute or two
    dwell on the tragedies of my life
    and it'll sound like intellectualization
    of a selfish, sad, and drug addicted mind

    so it's better left unsaid
    it's better left unsaid
    all the thoughts and things i do
    i cannot say to you
    were better left unsaid

    it's not the alcohol that does this shit to me
    no booze just makes me feel like shit
    it's for the sketchy pills and white powders
    that i have the biggest fucking hard-on

    my dad's an alcoholic so (i can't doing drugs)
    i'm sure everybody hates me so (i can't stop doing drugs)
    and i'm a 2-time college dropout so (why would i stop huh)
    i can't even write a good song - so i wont

    no excuses for my actions but (i can't stop doing drugs)
    still uncomfortable with myself and (i can't stop doing drugs)
    i'm disgusted by society so (why should i stop huh)
    i'll be this whiny hateful closet case so...

    it's better left unsaid... better left unsaid
    all the thoughts and things i do i cannot say to you
    were better left unsaid


    Thanks for reading!

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  1. Toolegittoquit
    Hi there. First time responding to a blog entry but I could relate to your post title. Music saved my like too and continues to be, IMHO, the best thing a person can do with their time on earth. Playing an instrument, singing, writing lyrics and listening to music that effects you in positive ways-- no drugs required-- and soothes the soul. My favorite form of entertainment is going to concerts, especially in small venues. And there's always beer and weed on hand.

    Checked out your video and you are good. I think you're more talented than most "artists" today who either don't write their own lyrics or music, can't play an instrument and can barely carry a tune. Anyway don't give up on success b/c if you can make a living at making music then you're truly blessed.
  2. no eff eks
    Hi! I certainly appreciate and share your perspective and I will continue to pursue making music. I don't really care if I make money at it, but I don't know what else to do with myself. I uploaded a few more acoustic demo tracks to youtube today, they're really just there to teach my band the songs, but I figured I might as well make them public.

    I'm not sure how far I'm willing to take things. I do know that I've connected with a few awesome guys that share my appreciation for 90's punk and want to create something cool with me. It could go nowhere, and it could lead to an epic decade... either way it's fun at the moment and it's keeping me sane and happy.

    Anyway, thanks for the relating to my life and watching my video. The song (Better Left Unsaid) sounds way cooler with the whole band, I hope I can share that with people soon.

  3. no eff eks
  4. trdofbeingtrd
    If you haven't already, check out Bill Hicks "it's just a ride" bit.

    I see like like a poker game. You have the hand dealt to you, it's not going to change, not until you play it out somehow. With each new hand you have your pair of Aces that can take you so far, but that is not always what will win the hand.....sometimes it's the 3 7 you are dealt that if you see it to the end turns into the straight that blows everyone away.
  5. Boltzmann
    I gave Everything Spaghetti a listen on a whim... and you're fantastic. Props, dude. Massive props. You actually mean what you're singing out and anyone listening could tell. :applause: Bravo!
  6. no eff eks
    @ trdofbeingtrd - I checked out the Bill Hicks bit... awesome is all I can say. Bill Hicks was a brilliant man and would've likely surpassed Carlin in terms of being a comedian that also taught us uncomfortable truths about reality and ourselves we'd never noticed.

    I like the poker reference... That's actually a lesson that's pushed pretty often in the poker world, but one that is honestly more useful as a life-lesson than to improve your poker game. Obviously aces wont win every time -- but you should still fold when you're dealt an offsuit 7-3 in poker. In life you don't get the opportunity to fold early, but with enough effort the guys that started with 7-2 unsuited will always beat the ones that start with aces.

    @ Bolzmann - Thank you very much for listening, and even more for telling me you thought it was good! It really helps me keep trying at music and life when I read encouragement and praise from strangers... The people around me are biased by the fact that they know/like me and because they wouldn't want to hurt me by telling me it sucked. When a stranger tells me they are impressed by my song it gives me validation I can't seem to find by looking anywhere else. You and everyone else that's posted supportive comments on youtube and here on my blog are my heroes. Saved me from sadness and despair by giving me something - something to build on - and something to work towards... Thanks again!
  7. mr sic
    hey man
    music, specificaly punk rock has saved me a couple of times too starting a band back in7th grade changed my perspective on life much more than the deepest acid trip ever could. Getting to meet so many people playing squats hell i didnt even know something like squatting could even exist back then. Helping out of town bands get shows and having them do the samefor us. Just the whole diy networking thing made my whole life/worldveiw so much more positive.
    Times have gotten shitty again recently got laid off, divorced, lost my house, my grandmas cancer got to the point where she needs someone with her all the time so im stuck in her house constantly I get a total of 12 hrs a week to go out and theres no where to go since i lost all my straight friens from doin dope over the years then i lost all my drug friends when i got sober. Lifes been kinda grim.. Anyhow I recently met up with an old friend whos been in millions of bands (fossil fuel breathilizor sockeye etc.) hes well into his 40s and still in over a dozen bands who are still playing and putting out records. Realizing hes never quit playing since forever ago really gave me the kick in the ass that i needed to call up old friends and start jamming again. Its so good to have a chance to get all this bullshit out of my system even if its only once a week for couple of hours. hell, I might not even kill myself.

    Anyway im sorry i went off there I really only meant to let you i checkedout some of your stuff on youtube Idug your stuff ecspecialy the sxe sucks song it reminded me of sockeyes straightedge fag song, id recomend you check that out you can stream it over at just type in sockeye in the search bar.
    later on
  8. no eff eks
    Thanks so much for your comment mr sic, I've been pretty depressed the last week or so because of my bad habits and reading messages like yours reminds me that life really is pretty awesome when we let it be. I'll check out the straightedge fag song tomorrow... right now I'm going to sleep after being up way too long. I think this time maybe I've had enough and I'll actually stop doing these ridiculous drugs that don't allow me to sleep... oh that's right I've got a half-gram of molly waiting for me tomorrow.... yay?

    Anyway, I appreaciate you sharing that with me, and thanks so much for checking out my youtube channel. Once I get my shit together a little more I'll try to share some of my full band's versions of those songs with DF/youtube. Keep your head up man, as long as you're still able to create your life will always have meaning.
  9. mr sic
    That would be cool to hear the full versions of the songs on youtube or wherever. If your interested in checking out any of the bands I've been in, maybe we can do an old school mail trade. I've only got an xbox for internet so I cant post stuff. plus I like getting stuff in the mail and I dig going to kinkos to xerox the covers and all that stuff too. let me know.
  10. no eff eks
    Definitely interested, although I don't really have anything to send at the moment. Here's a video of my band playing at a party... it's actually just the other band that played's manager (or something) that was testing his camera so he could record them... or something. It's just half the song, and the vocals are too quiet but it's something!

    The song is called "Bloodstain"... The other singer/guitar player wrote it and sings it... I'm the guy with shaggy hair doing backing vocals.
  11. mr sic
    YOWSA! That was fuckin great man, both the music,vocals and sound quality were all amazing. seriously that blew me away. Anyhow its cool if you dont have anything from your band to trade its just cool to get my music out there and have someone check it out. Even if you got a practice on tape or something that would work or even if not, all this talk about Guttermouth on the punk forum thing has got me wantin to hear them if youd wanna burn some of their stuff, thatd be cool, or if theres stuff you dig but most people don't then burn that. That would work too.

    So I guess Ill send a direct message with my email, then you could send me a mailing address and ill email you back my address.
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