Musings on Advanced Clean-time

By bananaskin · Nov 17, 2011 · ·
  1. bananaskin
    I started using drugs later in life, apart from some experiments with marijuana from age 16, and some years on and off the booze... ok, I started using drugs at 16 but only really hit the dope, and added to the mix hefty doses of amphetamines, in my 30s. I left my husband after 17 years (this entry is inspired by the 'what prompted you to quit' thread posted by own own missparkles... What with the kids, the power games, his mental illness (stand by your man yes, but c'mon stand by your woman too, at least TRY to get help, at least once?), I decided enough was enough. I believe marriage is forever, in an ideal world, but I'm a realist as opposed to an idealist (mostly) and when it's over it's over. He told me to 'do what I need to do' when faced with the news that 'if I live, I leave'.

    So I did, I got the first train out, after planning the timing for a year or more. I was guided by Fate into a hostel, only to be thrown out when they found out the kids were taken away due to his complete inability to understand or to act on anything that didn't suit; 'my 8 hours sleep is more important'.

    Well fuck you sir!

    Dope helped me figure things out, it also helped me rest, ironically, from the constant flow of bullshit that was washing over me. Speed fed my fantasies, it made me fly faster and harder, it made me challenge myself and it made me make myself psychotic. But it helped. Pills made me trip, and MDMA gave me fragments of insight into myself that will always stay with me. I stayed clear of 'downers', I don't want to be down, only occasionally. I've lost too much time for downtime. I should have got PhDs in both Maths and English (for what they are worth) but yes the drugs did help, and now I am taking A Levels. They did their thing and fortunately I was always able to put them down and move on without using.

    Now I am clean, apart from the legals (and the worst?) caffeine and nicotine. Caffeine can go any day (been there too) and nicotine (yes and there). But never again? Never say never... I'll use weed again, I'll use stims again, but only for specific reasons, and only as long as I feel they are helpful.

    I didn't mention the booze, that was easy to quit too. I guess the moral here is that you can be drug-free, but only if you want it, and you can achieve, but only if you want it. Never be afraid to put out a hand for help, my hand if you wish, and we can sit and talk or I can just listen.

    Share This Article


  1. sassyspy
    I love ya, b. We don't realize how strong we really are until faced with choices that threaten who we are, or who we love, or what we believe.
    You are a shining example of that strength, and its power. :vibes:
  2. Gdriussi
    thank you for your post - i've tried to PM you but your box is too full at the moment..... i hope i can get this msg to you soon.

    take care and thank you
  3. bananaskin
    sassy sweetie, you are so right in so many ways. At our point of weakness is our point of strength, and we must grasp it where it is and hold firm in whatever ground it sprouted. For that is our guidepoint through the particular crisis or crises.

    Thanks for a lovely reply
  4. bananaskin
    Gdriussi you can inbox me now love, sorry my box was full :)
    Please do write to me.
  5. Tigey
    really love your blog post. while we're very different people in some ways and so similar in others, I love your focus on the future, and your commitment to your path.

    just to satisfy my curiosity, can I ask what led you to pursue A-levels, which ones you're doing, and where they are leading you?


  6. bananaskin
    hi -- i read your initial blog entry (i have a 15 month old and not the leisure to read all that i want) - i was impressed by what you wrote. it hit home.
    i have questions, and maybe you have advice.
    i'm 41, was clean/sober for 13 years then had a nasty relapse initiated by a hip replacement immediately followed by an 8 hr emergency spinal surgery, followed by a break up at christmas and home alone w/a bottle of hydromorphone and a box of needles for my diabetic cat: not making excuses, just explaining what happened. so my relapse lasted about a year. i was IVing heroin, then heroin/coke combined. i had a MONSTER addiction and went through my life savings, which were considerable. now i'm trying to get clean. i've been off opiates since the beginning of summer, but in the interim, while dealing w/the acute and long term wds, i've developed a nasty taste for alcohol (and pot, but i've kicked the pot w/o a problem). i also struggle terribly w/insomnia. so i take benzo's or sleep meds in a class close to benzo about nightly. i also take adderall, which is a legit prescription - just an fyi. i want to have another baby; my clock is not ticking the alarm has gone off! obviously if i DO get pregnant i'll quit everything asap. but meanwhile i want to be clean. i go to NA meetings, have a sponsor, have commitments, but am not counting days because i keep messing w/these benzos and drinking here and there. and the drinking is especially bad because i have Hep C. and the WEIRD thing is that i've NEVER LIKED ALCOHOL!!!!! and now it's become "momma's little helper" for some god unknown reason. it's like i need "something" - i need something to see magic in the world and keep my edge dulled. we all have our background and i'm sure i have a lot of anger deep inside. but i want to be a good mother; i actually am a good mother, though my relationship w/my partner is dangling by a thread right now. i envy those i see who are substance free. i know i was for a long time and i don't know how the hell i did it! it seems impossible. but the good news i've been opiate free for a long time and have no cravings...... not for heroin anyway, or coke, but i do have cravings for "something" to alter my perceptions for some reason. and for SLEEP. that is the killer. my baby wakes up at 4am since the time change... i need to sleep when i can and i have a hard enough time even w/these pills.

    thoughts? thanks for reading. and thanks for posting.

    (from Gdriussi)
  7. bananaskin
    Tigey yes I see the same, similarities and differences, some subtle, some not.
    I chose the A Levels partly to continue my academic catching-up for personal growth and partly as entry for a Nursing Degree to pursue a career that will hopefully give my boy some financial and moral support for his future.
    I have no option but to look forward, I have spent far too long looking back, and although now is just now, as time ticks it becomes the past too.
    I understand that one size does NOT fit all though, each has their own Tao (way) and their own path.
    Thanks for your entry.
  8. bananaskin
    It's really hard just now.
    I'm not going to use, and I don't want to use, but I want to talk about thinking of using anyway.
    Using to me is bland like water right now, it won't happen, but it could, so easily, in a mishmash of emotional insanity.
    And it would be stims.
    I just needed to get that out there guys.

    But believe, it isn't going to happen
  9. bananaskin
    I'm glad that some, or all, of my initial entry gave you something you can connect with.
    I have a 7 year old Autistic boy who in many ways is less full-on that a none-disable kid, but in others is more so.
    There is never a need for an excuse here love, things happen as they happen and please don't think that you need to justify or to feel guilt here. You used and now you are trying not to. And kudos to you for your clean time!
    I hear you with your insomnia, I've had it for 30 years love, I hear you loud and clear.
    But it seems that with your CNS depressents you are also taking CNS stimulants, I'm not judging it, just mentioning it.
    If you need an incentive to be clean, you must find one. You could lean on your boy, you are allowed to. Maybe going to social groups with him would help?
    For me, I was single and just felt the drugs had done their time, it was time to go on without them.
    Personally, I would work on quitting the booze first, perhaps AA meetings could help!
    I hope something in this reply will help.
    Good thoughts :)

  10. Gdriussi
    thank you so much for your reply. i was confused because i kept checking my pm box and hadn't realized you'd posted here. you make a good point regarding the stimulants/depressents .. i've just been on the adderall so long it seems like nothing. but i could try a taper. i NEVER take them after 2pm, and thereby often miss my second dose. but it's hard keeping up w/a toddler on three hours sleep! you singled out the booze, is that because of my hep C ? it's strange that it is legal and so damaging . . . i'm curious why you singled that out? obviously i need to stop everything. but after going through the lengthly wds of a MONSTER opiate addition, i guess something in me doesn't have the motivation to just STOP and put an end to it all. did you resolve your insomnia? my baby wakes at 430 - 5am since the time change; when i wake at 2 or 3 i feel an urgency to get back to sleep before the day starts......booze if faster acting than anything besides IV and i know it disrupts your sleep patterns, but it calms the impending panic - but i feel run ragged all the time. .. how did you deal w/your sleep issues and your child? where did you find the strength after, i assume, using chemical modifiers for so long? and btw i do go to meetings: NA meetomgs/ o jave a sponsor and commitments and new friends, but i'm just not counting days because i was suggested i don't... and the last thing i need is one more reason to hate myself.

    thank you for your support. i appreciate your thoughts.
    much love
  11. beentheredonethatagain
    girl thanks , I am cheering you on, it takes a brave person, you are respected by me and I am sure that the female gender feel even more so.. as I have been reading the replies...

    what stands out for me is the " never say never " and the " if I am going use stimulants its going to be for a specific reason "

    come to California
  12. bananaskin
    Thanks for your reply love.
    I don't know if kicking the Adderall will be a good thing or not for you, especially as they are a doctor's prescription.
    The only reason I really mentioned the booze first was because this would eliminate a CNS depressant from the list. The Hep C is another incentive though! , but if course you are right that it works QUICK too.
    It was just a thought love, a possible guide to a thought process.

    To be honest my insomnia is something I just have to live with, kind of a lifetime thing.
    Sometimes I get rest via a 'full night's sleep' and I pay for it in rebound insomnia, but it's better than permanently having 3 hours a night.
    I figure I can get along with what sleep I get so I can do without more... hope that makes sense.
    I am at school 3 days a week, but he is at school too, so should the worst come to the worst I can focus on the fact that I have Thursday and Friday off if I need to just destress through insomnia.
    I had no kids when I was using, and I just kind of keep it as a thing from the past, a learning curve in many ways... my two philosophies here are' never say never', that way if I use for an reason I can consider it a short phase of use and nothing more, or a one-off lapse as opposed to a relapse, and 'never give up giving up', it's never too late to quit. I came close to getting stoned this weekend due to stresses, but knew that one smoke would lead to another and decided not to. It wasn't hard, I had a cast-iron will aside me to cement mine, but back to you... you should find local NA / AA meetings in your phone book / white pages / online. Could a family member sponsor you? Could you get a break from your lovely baby now and again? Just some thoughts for you love.


  13. bananaskin
    BTDTA thanks for dropping by with some positive vibes :)

    I'm really glad that my entries and the support I have had have spoken to you, that's my aim in life to give people threads of positivity to cling to and it is all said with love.

    Come to Cali?

    Love to
    ;) !!
  14. Gdriussi
    sending best thoughts. still struggling. we had a nightmare experience the other night: my baby had a scary reaction to 15 mo. immunizations - inconsolable, vomiting, high fever -- we were up all night dealing w/paramedics and then the dim-witted e-room staff. the paramedics were brilliant, but the e-room staff...*sigh* i had anxiety crawling up my legs and fighting panic and had to direct the nurse: "do you think it's a good idea to give him the fever meds, which he's already vomited-up three times, BEFORE, the anti-nausea med?" ..... come on! and of course a drunk driver hit an electrical poll and our electricity went out the minute the paramedics left! then we couldn't get home after the e-room deal because the parameter for the drunken accident was, it seems, literally drawn around our house! -- but my baby was a very brave patient and he's on the up-swing, while i'm still recovering.. oh! and the strangest thing: I had been sick w/vomiting and fever earlier in the night! thank god i was recovered by the time he got sick, about six hours later! --- i'm not sure what this has to do w/your blog, except -- life keeps on going, whether we're ready or not. and gratitude is valuable, e.g., thank god those paramedics/fire-men never said one thing to make me question their authority or knowledge. maybe you can relate: i'm hyper-critical, of myself and others. so this was a great thing! and i think we're all getting better.
    i'm encouraged that you turned-down the weed the other night. you are an inspiration and doing good work. i thank you for your time and love.
    -- one last thing: i think you misunderstood; i AM in NA, and DO have a sponsor; i'm just not counting days. i do love the program and fellowship.

    thank you again. you are a blessing.
  15. bananaskin
    Firstly Gdriussi, I'm sorry I misunderstood you, I thought maybe you were talking about AA?
    I see now that I did misunderstand you.
    The little one? Absolutely frightening!! I know this, but still a fairly normal reaction. I was in horror when my little man was sick for the first time, and it doesn't help when the med. staff aren't as on the ball as maybe they should be, we have to remember just how tired they may be :).
    Have you thought about maybe getting some more specific anti anxiety meds? I mean, it might just be worth a try.
    I'm glad it seems better now... and yes it is relevent to my blog because it concerns people and drugs :)
    I'm glad you are in NA... and yes community force and support are wonderful things.
    Good thoughts sugar.

  16. Gdriussi
    thank you. i'm glad you find my story related to your blog, which i love,and am eternally grateful for. yes, people and drugs: it took all of my "mommy" strength not to help myself to the med cart they left parked in our room. you asked about doctor prescribed anti-anxiety: that's all i take, minus the booze. but according to my sponsor, that's still dicey, so best not to count days. she relates clean time as uncovering a root, you can uncovered the root, but unless you get all of the little out-going feelers, it'll return. so i'm leaving nothing unturned, and simply not counting days, tho 95% of anything i take is dr. rx'd. i love your blog and am grateful for your time.
  17. bananaskin
    But you didn't dip in.
    Yes it's often important not to count days, possibly at some point devise a series of goals in yourself but the old calender trick can have many pitfalls.
    I believe too that :

    "and we must grasp it where it is and hold firm in whatever ground it sprouted."
    and that the other side of the coin is to detach the full root and its feelers, although this will take time.
    Blessings and good thoughts

  18. bananaskin
    I hope that all that read this are well.
    It's kind of odd that the entry after this tells of me 'using' after all I have written here.

    I'll use weed again, I'll use stims again, but only for specific reasons, and only as long as I feel they are helpful.

    No stims, 'just' weed, the psychedelic stim that it is for me, make of that what you will.

    I've been talking of tripping for a long time, it's been far to long for a born psychonaut such as me.I guess that we all have our bonudaries of use, one the reality of how much it does or doesn't affect us, and one the skewed version of the above.

    My tone hasn't changed,
    I guess the moral here is that you can be drug-free, but only if you want it, and you can achieve, but only if you want it.

    We all need to rest sometimes, and that's ok.

    Good thoughts, all.

To make a comment simply sign up and become a member!