I started using drugs later in life, apart from some experiments with marijuana from age 16, and some years on and off the booze... ok, I started using drugs at 16 but only really hit the dope, and added to the mix hefty doses of amphetamines, in my 30s. I left my husband after 17 years (this entry is inspired by the 'what prompted you to quit' thread posted by own own missparkles... http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?p=1050185). What with the kids, the power games, his mental illness (stand by your man yes, but c'mon stand by your woman too, at least TRY to get help, at least once?), I decided enough was enough. I believe marriage is forever, in an ideal world, but I'm a realist as opposed to an idealist (mostly) and when it's over it's over. He told me to 'do what I need to do' when faced with the news that 'if I live, I leave'.
So I did, I got the first train out, after planning the timing for a year or more. I was guided by Fate into a hostel, only to be thrown out when they found out the kids were taken away due to his complete inability to understand or to act on anything that didn't suit; 'my 8 hours sleep is more important'.
Well fuck you sir!
Dope helped me figure things out, it also helped me rest, ironically, from the constant flow of bullshit that was washing over me. Speed fed my fantasies, it made me fly faster and harder, it made me challenge myself and it made me make myself psychotic. But it helped. Pills made me trip, and MDMA gave me fragments of insight into myself that will always stay with me. I stayed clear of 'downers', I don't want to be down, only occasionally. I've lost too much time for downtime. I should have got PhDs in both Maths and English (for what they are worth) but yes the drugs did help, and now I am taking A Levels. They did their thing and fortunately I was always able to put them down and move on without using.
Now I am clean, apart from the legals (and the worst?) caffeine and nicotine. Caffeine can go any day (been there too) and nicotine (yes and there). But never again? Never say never... I'll use weed again, I'll use stims again, but only for specific reasons, and only as long as I feel they are helpful.
I didn't mention the booze, that was easy to quit too. I guess the moral here is that you can be drug-free, but only if you want it, and you can achieve, but only if you want it. Never be afraid to put out a hand for help, my hand if you wish, and we can sit and talk or I can just listen.
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Musings on Advanced Clean-time
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