My 1st Blog, Tracking depression

By gooshimin · Jun 13, 2011 · ·
  1. gooshimin
    I need a chart or Form to log in catagories to track and compare.

    Symptoms, Physical:
    Symptons, Emotional:
    Symptoms, Mental:
    Misc. Details: What, when, who. Event setting it off.

    Date: I rarely pay attention to the date but for this tracking purpose I will look it up. 6-12-2011. And previous 3 to 4 days.

    Symptoms, Physical: Nausea, trembling, no sleeping.

    Symptons, Emotional: Want to cry, grumpy, lonely, allone.

    Symptoms, Mental: Negative = those around me are up to no good. Obsessive = Why me. Angry = nobody paying attention or cares.

    Misc. Details: I have come to realize that all those who say I am like a mother to them
    are in financial debt to me and it appears I will not be paid back as most have promised while expressing their love for me. I am realizing love is diferent to each one of us. I been fighting the aging process and started playing or hanging around people much to young for me. It made me feel younger. I have been going through a transition. Facing reality has been hard.

    Goal: Learn from mistakes. Don't play, like I have been with more or less strangers. Don't loan money or stuff to others. Posibly find a few friends my own age. Try to find others online to communicate with. Start positive thinking. Smile silently.

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  1. gooshimin
    Day 2 morning,
    I decided to try to write into my chart in the morning, afternoon and evening. My mood can change from extreme to extreme throughout the day, so for the sake of seeing how much it changes and simply to get to know myself a bit better I am gonna try to do this for a week minimum. Hhmmmm, just try.

    Symptoms, Physical:
    I feel pretty good and I am out of the bedroom. Some discomfort in my tum tum but all else seems good. I have a rash and itching it. ? Is that nerves?
    Symptons, Emotional: Rather normal or not flying up and down from happy to pitiful. Oh, I have some trouble with identifying emotions. Right now I feel sound and stable. Happy, motivated, peaceful.
    Symptoms, Mental: Mind is fairly centered. I did a To-Do list last night, I do these quite often but I go 110 mph and cannot keep track of where I left the other one's so always starting a new one when reinspired. My thoughts start to race, when thinking of what I need to get done throughout the day. I am catching myself at this and recentering my thoughts to one thing at a time. Not any thoughts on the paranoid things I can get stuck in.
    Misc. Details: What, when, who. Event setting it off.
    I prepared myself for the day and even some things for the week and I have new hope in my repairing of myself through this Blog Chart. This has left me waking with a more positive outlook. Had a decent nights sleep, although was all by myself.
    To stick to my To-Do list. Keep a smile on my face. Keep brain from running away with any thoughts and do my Charting.

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  2. gooshimin
    Date: 6-13 2011 evening
    Symptoms, Physical: Numb, I feel nothing physical. No pain, no tired, no trembling. Hmmm maybe a touch here and there. When something pressing to me is happening.
    Symptons, Emotional: Weak, scared, alone, paranoia.
    Symptoms, Mental: I am back to thinking the worse of everyone. Rethinking negative events. I see I am tryng to read minds and I m imagining the worse in all. I long for peace of mind. I want to cry but still I don't.
    Misc. Details: What, when, who. Event setting it off.
    Wow what a dramatic diference in me from this morning. Shortly after writing this morns I felt my nice world going to hell. I forced myself to see what was changing in my day to cause me to lose my peace. The answer is other people, the communicating with them. When I am called and asked for neccessary things I started to tremble and shake. I don't know why tho. It all seems directly related to my ingaging with others. It is like I am scared to death of them. I felt a touch of failure in me set in also. Dang that is powerful and important but why. I did stand up for myself several times which is unlike my norm.
    Goal: At this point my goal here is for me to stand in complete truth and to try.

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    note; Can anybody teach me how to stand up for myself? I thought they were friends but I realize I am the only one giving or coing through when asked for something. None of these people are paying me back or sharing kindness. But I have such a hard time telling them "NO" or to screw off. I tremble and shake, stutter and stammer just when I think about having a conversation with them about this one sided friendship. I have decided to one of them to court. But this is not easy, I have cared deeply for this little gal
  3. gooshimin
    I have learned something so powerful to me and strong I do not want to risk losing it, about Depression and some at least one of it's attributes.

    I am always fearful of others. I will tremble and shake. With a couple people I almost pass out and my mouth gets dry and it really sucks. Also I let others run over me and don't stand up for myself and my loved one's. I fear responsibilty. I thought because I most likely will be critsized. BUT NO!!! This is all happening to me, all these diferent shades of Fear thus here comes the neverending Depression. What the core problem is is ME! I fear me. I fear not being strong enough, smart enough, rich enough. I have not stood for my own rights and wrongs. I have allowed everyone elses desires before my own and now I flat out do not trust myself, have confidence in me, I am a chicken shit, ass kiss, briber for your friendship pathetic worm.

    That is going to be over with. I am worthy of standing up for and not falling for the garbage excuses I had excepted in replacement of why I never get anything. Just give. Oh Lordy this hits me between my eyes.

    Good Night
  4. gooshimin
    Date: 6-14
    Symptoms, Physical: Feel great physically
    Symptons, Emotional: I feel positive, fragile tho, morhings are my good time of day, I see already.
    Symptoms, Mental: Up and at 'em. Calling trying to make business meetings. I am working hard and helping a couple out with preevious commitements. Feel strong. Actually told 2 users that they must pay up or fuc off. Yeah for me!!!
    Misc. Details: What, when, who. Event setting it off.
    Up most the nite feeling as if some break in artist theives were coming back again. So actually sat up all most all nite with a gun, big one, on my lap. About 4 am HIM come and led me back to bed. This a.m. was rough but I felt good. I HAVE LOW GRADE HEEBIE JEEBIES ABOUT HIM. I am trying to remeber that my paranoia stems from me not HIM. I am not trusting myself to defend him from hurting me. I guess I cannot control anyone but I can stand up for myself when I been done wrong. I know I have been alowwing others to step all over me and I just say "whoa is me" so it has continued for years. No wonder I am terified of every one.
    Goal: Slowly gain my confidence back and hopefully thaT will cure my fears and paranoias. That may fix manmy things where I had failed to protect myself.

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  5. gooshimin
    Date: early Afternoon 6-14-2011
    Symptoms, Physical: Tight, cotton mouth
    Symptons, Emotional: Angry, physically acting out towards items.
    Symptoms, Mental: Scared, weak, paranoia ( but not as bad yeah)
    Misc. Details: What, when, who. Event setting it off.
    Yeah, It happened again! I been set off. Damn! At least I can see this very obviouis problem. After my revalation I was hoping but knowing better, that it was the cure all. The setting off event is diferent tho. And I do feel stronger. I am upset that I was my worst enemy and not someone else I could blame. At least I know it will be fixed. I am struggling spitting out my current antagoist. Its HIM. Fricking [pisses me off. His ways and most everything right now. Man.... Do I have to go there now? Sometmes things are just wrong and no matter how long or often I tell myself "nah, its alright" It just IS NOT AL RIGHT. Wake up yellow belly! ARGHHHHHHH I need to gather more streagnth. I need to let some time get by to allow my personal changes dealing with others to become a everyday part of my being. HIM has no control over that so I can do it.

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  6. gooshimin
    Date: 6-14
    Symptoms, Physical: Tired, Neck hurts
    Symptons, Emotional: Want to cry, depressed, angry, hanging on.
    Symptoms, Mental: I hate right now. Angry, Hurt, abandoned, forced.
    Misc. Details: What, when, who. Event setting it off.
    HIM, there are so many secrets. I hate it with a passion. I don't trust so being around HIM or anyone terifies me. It comes down to me. Hiding things from me. You are not suppose to do in a relationship. I am frustrated and I do not want to GIVE A DAMN no more.
    Goal: Do better. Find ways to let go and not care but stand and defend my honor. When your honor has been unmercifly stripped away how can i get that back from the one who took it. I look at HIM every day and rage is starting to consume me. I am not protecting myself, hell I am lost AGAIN i guess.
    Believe I am in control and I can choose .

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  7. gooshimin
    Date: 6-15 am
    Symptoms, Physical: Body tired for some unknown reason. Otherwise good or ok at least.
    Symptons, Emotional: Not bad, as usual. Seems I am all sunny and shiney in the mornings. Feel disgusted at how my motional state was terible yesterday. It was really really bad. My last blog it was decent, my mood. By 3 pm I was so sure I would never get better and quit wanting to just cry because of overwhelming paramoia, anger, screwed over. But again, this morn I am back to happy happy, yipee. Now how to hang on to that.
    Symptoms, Mental: Tiny bit of Worried, slight depression from how sour my mood went late yesterday. I am forcing myself to go thru with commitements but it is so hard. Not right now tho but desperate for a fix. Actually thinking thru positively about future business'. That's the right thinking process. Not hateful thoughts at HIM or anyone. Proud of myself. Since this Blog went up I have told 4 people that things have changed and actually stopped some taking advantage of me situations. Awesome girl. Fighting the I am getting older thing still. I say to myself "just think how you will feel when 65, now I feel young" Ha Ha
    Misc. Details: What, when, who. Event setting it off.
    Not set off yet. Determined not to give up my power. Even if I am the problem I am going to stop this days depression breakdown, or watch every step to see where I am falling apart and why. This is working. I have figured 2 major behavioral things. I have a slight calm in me that I am not sure if I have ever felt.
    To keep smile on face and watch for negative thoughts and change them immediattely. Work, I must keep up working at things, business'.

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  8. gooshimin
    I better take a moment to be honest here and confess. I did start self medicating myself. I will tackle that when and if I consider my choosing to self medicate a problem to even begin with. I deny it being a problem for me. I even picked up some tequilla and beer. Just for the evenings. I do fear I may start a smoking habit in the afternoons just to calm myself if this effort doesn't work. I am desperate, I got a big awesome future awaiting me. I don't have time for this depression crap.
  9. gooshimin
    Date: 6-16-11
    Symptoms, Physical: Unbeleavably wonderful.
    Symptons, Emotional: All in check, every since yesterday. Happy, positive, encouraged, only a slight bit of irritabiity.
    Symptoms, Mental: Very little paranoia, thus not angry or thinking up revenge. Thoughts are on business and a few positive family topics.
    Misc. Details: What, when, who. Event setting it off.
    Well, now that I am on top of the world pretty much. A day and a half of feeling good does pretty much put me up there. Seems these type days can be so rare when I am on a Depression. I generally allow myself with a few days to self medicate, but only if the self meding is working and if not I will try something diferent in order to snap out of the depression. I must have the self indusing correct because this is the best I have felt in the previous week. So my 3 days of sticking to a new process will be up the day after tomorrow, okay so tomorrow but forsure I will stop the self medicating the day after tomorrow. This is for the purpose of staying in control but shocking for lack of a better word, my system out of the problem. I use the 3 day Rule all the time and it works. As it did this time too.
    Gezz, it feels like I been in this one for months. I think I just needed to really be on top of the world or at my best this past week and also I felt this Depression coming on which is very rare for me and I tried soo hard to not allow it, the big D, but nothing was gonna keep it away I guess.
    Yeah, I know my writing 3x a day is faltering. Only because I am feeling well and I am busy being up to things.
    I need to write about the onset of the Depression in effort to see more clearly how the process took me over. I touched on it before but not to the minute almost, for a short amount of time. And also so I can use the data as a toool for me to see and read at some other time. For the future. I hope I am not duplicating, I don't think so.
    OK, here are the details to the D day. It had come for me to hit the road to sell the product I had been cultivating for a couple months. Not drug related. I was in the hole financially with 2 people working for me but only hit and miss, not full time. I physically busted my hump to bring myself to this big day. This morning I woke with a bad gut nagging feeling of doom and resistance. I forced myself out the door and took the 3rd individual who had to have his costs and time covered with me because someone had to go with me. It is not safe to be out on the road in transit with a wad of money and a sign saying product for sale. Everyone knows I would have to have money right?. After hem hawing around til 2 pm I final was in route. Several people were wishing me the greatest and some were invested in me so I know I felt like everyone was watching me which is not good for that paranoia side of me or the feeling I have of being born a natural born loser, failure, self loather? I am haiving trouble coming up with the correct descriptive word to use. Hmmmm, that feeling that tells me everyone involved will be yelling at me or telling me what a loser I am.

    What I have learned in my age is that everybody around has a better way to do the thing or job that I had just done. It seems to be getting worse lately. It use to just be everyone had their own story but now it's worse because they have there own story to tell us, but now they also have their own inwhich to Share OUR! own story or how to do OUR JOB, also. Does that make sense? Any how I was dragging my feet and had plenty of excuses for why I didn't want to go do this thing, plus HIM made a couple excuses for me to. I was determined not to allow this doomed feeling to have control and I forced myself to get going. I drove in circles for a while and then 3 hours later I had finally arrived to my destination and was unloading and prepping when an official looking vehicle pulls up and gives me some devasting news for the product I was selling. I was back on the road coming home within 30 minutes. In a way I would have thought I would be happy because I didn't want to go anyway but I wasn't. I was finally achieving the whole reason for the previous couple months worth of very hard work and that didn't help me feel any better. Oh, I did have that paranoia as if HIM will do me wrong in the back of my mind a little.

    I had the employee make the call home to explain to everyone why I had "FAILED". I got home and paid the employess which brought my Savings account down to a mezzley little amount, I almost cried in the bank. But one of my moto's is "I don't owe anybody" so that part was off my chest.
    There was no way I found to stop the Depressions downhill climb and until yesterday I had stayed in the depression and even had slipped more deep into the Depression.
    And here we are; WHY? Why couldn't I stop this? What am I not seeing? That ugly nasty gut feeling I had awoken with stayed in me that whole time and continued til yesterday. What is that? I wasn't on anything either. No matter how hard I try to see what it is causing the problem I just pull a blank. Maybe I will have to suffer thru a couple more Depressions before I will be able to see the dominate negative that is causing the D to take ahold. I wanted it, the answer to just pop up after writing all that but nothing.
    Goal: Roll with the positive energy. Don't allow self to get over confident. Just stay in step with the natural progression from the things I plan and aim for in my future. No matter near or far future. Just because something is a fatr away goal doesn't mean I can continue putting those things off til last minute. I give myself a good job and a pat on the back for getting thru the Depression. Tada

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  10. onzero
  11. gooshimin

    Really? That sounds very scarey to me. I am afraid to ask. Thanks for your help.
  12. gooshimin
    Date: 6-17 1 pm
    Symptoms, Physical: Good. But nothing special. Just good.
    Symptons, Emotional: Not sure. I have a touch of that "hee be jee be" going on. Don't know what the emotion is.
    Symptoms, Mental: Concerned. Good but concerned. Worried but not really thinking of anything in particular. Man, what the heck. How can I be so concerned..... oh oh oh. Dang it! I almost had it there.
    Misc. Details: What, when, who. Event setting it off.
    I was great until I heard its a relatives b'day and his party was canceled and now its up to me to pull the Save out and fix the situation. I already did tell him we would do something but because somebody else picked iy up I didn't think much about it. But here I hope I don't go again. Ok, I am not thinking about much of anything. There is just that deep down icky feeling. Just like the other day. I do feel a little more in control just not sure what of. Paranoid maybe of screwing it up. Maybe? Why do I get so nervous around anyone. (Because I am thinking I do not stick up fore myself or defend myy own honor.) This b'day boy is just a kid and yeah he's said things and has done things that really pissed me off but he is just now turning 13. Am I scared of him? No it has to be me fearing being put on the spot and messing up. Nothing I say or do is making this thing go away. We'll see how I am tonite. Arghhhh.
    Something weird just happened. I was just told on the phone that I could be the hero for this boy and I instantly felt awesome. It didn't take the ickey feeling all the way away but I have more innthusiasm (sp).
    My world is small today because I am so focused on where that is coming from. I am getting the house cleaned up today. Playing games, I am an avid Gamer. I hate that US Gov. stopped us from playing Poker online for real money.
    Why is it that getting me on to answer a phone to talk is next to imposible while I will Text and Email all day long?
    Goal: To see inside myself enough to see if there is a bigger problem and start to see what it is. Maybe

    Enough babbling on girl get that party started! Ha!

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  13. gooshimin
    Date: June 17 late
    Symptoms, Physical: Excellant
    Symptons, Emotional: Unbelievably well. A calm happy person tonite. Something I wasn't expecting at all. I could learn to like it this way real fast.
    Symptoms, Mental: My mind is calm and content. a little worried about b'day boy. He never contacted me today at all. This is not like him at all. Otherwise I am very pleased I didn't sink into the Depression or what ever it is I have been fighting all my days. Actually not, I have not been fighting all my days, I was a dificult child but I certainly was not Depressed or Paranoid. I never had a paranoia in my life until about 28 - 30. That's not true.......Yes I did have those traits or behaviors as a child, yep, all my days. As a child, I or we the family, refered to my outbursts, demands and worrioes as Middle Child Syndrom. Anyway all that is way to far to reach in my figuring myself out. I refuse to go back.
    Soo, it went really well today. I think I snapped out of it, the Depression setting in once I was told that the 13 year old has been acting out in many diferent ways. So the worry I am feeling about this kid overpowered my own feelings of doom. Thus I prevented for the 1st time an episode. I use episode because I don't know what it really is but I have learned a method for stopping it. I don't think I like this method but it feels wonderful to experiance enough control over it to actually stop it.

    This is the kind of thing that gets me into trouble. Somehow when I get involved with people because I genuinely tend to care it ends up costing me money. It seems I am always being ask for financial help. Maybe I am throwing it out there and at people just to try to win approval and trying to make sure nobody is mad at me. Lots of good that did now I am taking some to court and they truly are angry at me. Christ I am the one who has a right to be angry. How do people switch that around me, all the time? The good thing is I can now clearly recognize these situations and I need to develope some tools to keep the conversation from heading into money. Meaning if they or even I start discussing things they need or places one needs to go or things they have to do. Oh oh oh oh, what really gets money out of me is when they start telling me they love me and wish I was their mom even. Or if they talk about how I am the only one they have and the only one they have to go to for help. Those couple of topics are almost a sure way to win me over or work me over.

    I need to say clearly that I am not a woman with much money at all. Some people think that but I have in no way ever claimed such a thing. I just somehow always have given it away when asked of it. Even if it was my last dollar and my finances are my business so I would never complain to others about the money they just got from me being my last dollar. They wouldn't have cared anyway but I would have gotten a few more "I love you"'s and "your the greatest" comments. Ha those days are gone forever. Being taken advantage of has been a real problem so I needed to lay that out. I need to change this and writing it out seems to really be helping me. I problably lookl like a real NUT to anyone reading this in my Blog but I need to not worry or even think about that part.

    You know I think I am gonna be okay. So go to bed kiddo.

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  14. gooshimin
    I had so much company yesterday and so busy I didn't get to Blog anything. But wanted to. Actually it was an awesome day until very late anyway. When someone really threw out a negative grand slam. Went to bed pissed ass hell but for the first time in my life I was speechless.

    Date: 6-19 -2011
    Symptoms, Physical: Feel good,
    Symptons, Emotional: Blank - Numb I think I may be holding back rage. Embarrassed, shocked.
    Symptoms, Mental: Confusion, I don't know how to take what was said last night. God, I can't say what was said, not yet. I can't even repeat it to myself. HIM said it. Blew not just my socks off, but my undies off right right allong with the socks. ..... If I tell what HIM said maybe someone could explain to me what the hell my brain is suppose to do with that kind of a comment. It is such an icky remark, I am quite concerned and embarrassed about it. I want to get someone elses opinion. OK, If I don't get over it in three days time I will put it up and I will trust in the Lord or fate to have someone out there who will help me interpret what was said. I can hardly keep my eyes open due to the severe level of stress this has put on my poor little brain.
    Misc. Details: What, when, who. Event setting it off. I said what was going on above there. But for that everything is awesome. Actually landed a $1k more a month business deal. That always helps things. I did calmly tend to the b'day kid. He is 12 not 13. We scheduled a water park adventure. It takes 2 weeks advanced booking, so that will make it 2 weeks late but at least, in a poorly done way, I came through. His mental seemed okay to me. He is such a good kid and today I am doing a couple special Fathers day things.

    Someone called me up with a finacial emergencey need and in return she worked off what she borrowed. I heard she and her husband had been running there mouths off about me. Why did I allow her to get the money? I wasn't suppose to do that. No more damn it. My guard was down.

    I should start a Pawn Shop! Make everyone who borrows put something up for me to hold and sell if they don't pay me back. They would give me something of value that I could sell to recover the money. I can't afford to lease a place so maybe I could be the 1st traveling on wheels pawn shop. HA! I like it.

    I am all over the place mentally.

    Goal: Try to relax mentally and keep to myself the best I can

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  15. gooshimin
    Date: 6-20
    Symptoms, Physical: Good
    Symptons, Emotional: Upset, anger mostly.
    Symptoms, Mental: Beating self up.
    Misc. Details: What, when, who. Event setting it off.
    I keep falling back to old habits. I know I just started trying to see what the heck is bringing on Depression and I need to allow some time for new habits to begin and set in. But it is so costly, being such a wimp. A pitiful push over.

    I think I need to slow down and maybe lower my expectations of myself. This Blog seemed so simple to start. Well it isn't anymore. I am all over the place. Time for a refocusing too I guess. I am becoming much more aware of my habits. I am not writing everything down or I would be here all day. I keep trying to stay on my topic. I now am not so sure it was very clear to begin with either. Why am I so pitiful? Gezz.

    What I have learned so far is that I really don't have many friends around and the company I keep are lowlifes. I have no focus. My mood is all over the place. I keep up a really good face though and I have been a good friend or person. I am very eager to achieve financial success' but quik to give it away. If I earn 2 checks or let's say 500 bucks in a weeks time frame. 40% of the time I flat out misplace or lose all my earnings, another 40% or the time I will have it stolen away right from under my nose and 20% time I actually use those earnings for my needs or wants or savings. My point right now tho is only that I am very clearly focused on money. (I really did not realize that.) Now I need to get focused on being responsible with that money.

    I have much to do in order to get my shit together. It sure would help to have a mentor around, even at my age. Where is Eula? So many people have issues right now. I am pleased I do not allow others to see how screwed up I may actually be. I guess it is better to be the one others lean on rather the one who is leaning on others. Brrrrrrr, I couldn't do that. Learning how to be married is still hard for me. Meaning he wears the pants, has the final say, and is the one. I have allowed that but I don't like it. I guess we are a part of the old school. It is not "A womans place is in he kitchen barefoot and pregnate." But I think he would like it that way. Everything is his first. Sucks. He wouldn't be or have if not for me. I feel so insignificant and I don't think things could change there. I give it all up. There was good reason though. Now I must live out my days in the world I made for myself so what is there to complain or grumble about. I did it. Damn that women liberation group. Wouldn't I be much happier if I hadn't been taught to dream for myself because I am a female equal. What was so wrong with being happy staying in the kitchen barefoot and pregnate? I love cooking, and children... well I use to much more then now anyway. There is no such thing as equality. I even teach that to the kids. You have to get in there and fight for what you want. But if there is a man all the women I guess should just retreat. Look at the young adults out there today. The young couple consists of a woman with two or three kids who works, an alcoholic or addict male who doesn't work nor does he have a drivers license but he has two or three kids of his own and he doesn't pay child support. Ask him and he will tell you he has raised those two or three kids. Shoot. What a mess. Then the government keeps handing out money. Like not working gets you a reward every month. I am talking about my kids first. Is this not the typical scenerio? Tell me if I am wrong. Hey you up there in Maryland, what are the young couples or families like up there? And Florida, and Idaho, are your youth diferent?

    See I am off on another topic all together. I am not meaning to insult anyone. I am just looking at my little world around me as far as I can see and that is what I see. Why would I want to be a part of this way of living? Actually I think I to was like that at one time and it sucked. Men out there if you want to be the man of the house than know this, the one that brings in the money is the one that wears the pants which equals that is who the man of the house is. Yeah right goosh.
    Goal: Try to focus. Accept that I need to get a grip. Read that other Blog that was up that was similar to this lay out by someone like cor..... I will find it.

    I was thinking about just ending the Blog since I was having trouble staying on my fuzzy beginning topic but I am gaining so much information about myself, good and bad, and that doing that would be a mistake.

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  16. gooshimin
    Date: 6-21 11
    Symptoms, Physical: Great today and I am even up and at 'em early.
    Symptons, Emotional: Great!
    Symptoms, Mental: Finally great.
    Misc. Details: What, when, who. Event setting it off.
    After dealing with a couple issues I believe I finally got to the core. Speaking with him, he may have actually solved the core by recognizing it because he had been there and has watched many others go there. Turning 50 in a couple years is horible. It is so hard to believe how dificult simply aging can be. No joke! I know I was wrestling with the "Who the heck is that looking back at me in the mirror" and seeing thiose grey hairs in the sink or shower, and a whole list of things that remind me regularly that I am not that 28 year old or even 35 year old anymore. This is hard I tell you. But yeah, him saw it clearly late last night. It wasn't just the crying, which I DO NOT do. Or the running from here tom there to there to hear with my kids friends, no. It was all of it and when I just looked up at him and said, "Fine I will accpet

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  17. gooshimin
    warning! slight sexual content do not read if you can't handle.
    Date: 6-21-11
    Symptoms, Physical: Great and up and at 'em early too.
    Symptons, Emotional: Great also
    Symptoms, Mental: Finally awesome. For a varity of reasons. Mainly tho it came to head yesterday afternoon. HIM actually is the one who saw the core issue I was wrestling with. It didn't matter to me who, what or how it got resolved I was so desperate just to solve it. I thought I had resolved but not really because I sttod their with tears running down my cheeks (I just DO NOT do that) and said to HIM, "Fine! I will agree to get old with you but I don't like it at all." Gezz I didn't even know I was gonna say that. Turning 50 in a couple years has really taken its tole on me. Unbelievable hard. I was even aware of the fact I was having a hard time, and that still didn't steer me from sinking into such repeatedly worsening bouts of depression with all it's array of negative mental traps with god stregnth powers. I swear, it has to be since I was 45 it started maybe even before that because I now see and remember clearly a couple diferent things that I know were directly relating to aging.

    This is so rediculous but it is real. I recall HIM having a hard time as well as HIMs brother and my momma. There are a few others too. 50 man, I must try to warn anyone about it. Especcially if the are just as I, getting closer to experiancing it for themselves. MY gosh.

    I must state for fear I forget, probably won't tho diferent key signs to identify this age 50 being the culprit of one's troubles.
    1st recall ever was being so upset at HIM for stopping the awesome weekend parties. Him is 10 years my senior so this was between 8 to 12 years ago. I even tried new substances and I thought I killed HIM. But up til that time I just refused to allow the party to end. Every Friday I was preparing for that awesome fuck fest and nothing but getting higher and higher. Until the night I really thought he was gonna die. HIM was pale white and soaked heart beating crazy. That wasn't how HIM felt tho, great is how he descibed it but I was to afraid to go on.
    That was the very 1st anti aging situation. See there HIM was getting ready to turn 50! But I wasn't and I was very angry at the situation. Until yesterday I had stayed angry. Wow, all these years, I knew I missed the party but I was really resentful. We still get down and it is great but not for a 2-3 day fucking spree.
    2nd time was,. shoot now I got myself all worked up and can't think. I gotta break. HA

    Gosh I hope I am not gonna insult anyone. Maybe I better put a warning.
    Misc. Details: What, when, who. Event setting it off.

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  18. gooshimin
    Finally I got myself back here! We took a couple days off and headed to a private room. Got plenty of all the good things I love about life for those two days. Awesome, totally awesome! Sucks to have to come back tho.
    I got food poisening from the little restruanmt near where we had stayed and that kept me down for another day and a half.
    Then thinking I was totally healed kept me at bay for a couple more days.
    I do realize how very long I tend to sit at the computer just to do this writing and a touch of gaming. Seems like such a waste of time but I will continue for awhile more, this tracking of my brain... Pinki and the brain brain brain brain, brain brain brain brain. Ha Ha Ha I actually have a Pit named Pinki and I guess that makes me the brain.

    Bla bla bla bla.

    Am leaving for the rental properties up north tomorrow and since I broke my lap top I may again be unable to write on my Blog here. Sat I will head out on a new venture. I am hoping to have a good run up north with this new product and if so I hope to come back with tons of zest in order to get out and busy with sales down here. Also going in to an old company we use to do business with and going to try to win them back tomorrow morning. I must not procrastinate on this move any longer. Could be good buig bucks.

    Found out another area where I am being controlled. HIM has started writing every penny down that he pays me. This really sucks. I think I will become a burglar so no one keeps an accurate count on me. Jess, 1st my Savings ac count was suppose to be mine only but NOPE. Then my phopne was suppose to be mine only until I saw someone else has the MAIN!?!? account which gives up my access to privacy. Arghhhhhhh I feel so victumized, raped, infected, under the gun. Who made anyone god over another. My momma used to say, "One only takes from you or gives to you the things inwhich I am allowing". That sucks huh?! Yeah yeah yeah Its all my fault, that's what they all say! Mommie Dearest, shame on me my momma had past away 2 years ago. Ohhh I miss her so.
  19. gooshimin
    I knew I would eventually drift away from doing my Blog here. I tend to do that. I am an Aries, does that fill anyone in on my character or personal stuck with habits? It does me. Well, to be honest with myself, I really have moments, throughout every day pretty much where I wish had the moment to go do my Blog. Just get busy. I am far from regular at much of anything. All depends on my mood. Anyway to continue.

    Date: 7-10
    Symptoms, Physical:Back hurting, vision fuzzy from playing games. No sleep. This is a common issue for me. One of the original Groups I had enquired into was Insomniac and sleep walking(not sure what i found on the later)
    Symptons, Emotional:I feel so vulnurable, almost always to diferent degrees. I have a deep rooted high self confidence in my abilities. Still there is this deep deep fear of "what if I fail and never amount to anything or complete anything." I am beginning to think this is normal in most people who are always striving to do more. Small bouts of insecurity but they can hit with a power punch but only for 15 minutes to 2-3 hours max and not every day tho.
    Symptoms, Mental: Frustrated aty myself for screwing soo much up. I have so many things going on and then add all the womans home choirs and all the pet care I brought about myself. HIM is not a good positive communicater so I have nobody to help me stay on track. No positive words of encouragement at all. That makes it so hard for me. I have no clue what other people need from those around them but HIM makes me feel like I am so needy. Yes again I am an Aries and Irish and Redhead and all those together equal in my mind, yeah I need a partner who is invol;ved if just with words. I do not ask for anything I am not willing to give. In my childhood home if what we had to say wasn't positive we didn't dare say a word so I do positive feed everyone around me. I get so little back tho. Sometimes I really wonder about our diferences. I have a low grade depression. It seems something I have each day. So many things are not how I had invisioned nor are they behaviors from anyone else really in all my adult friendships and relationships.
    Misc. Details: What, when, who. Event setting it off. So much has happened. The PV new product sales was a waste of my time. Once again I ended up just giving of myself and not getting what I was promised. I got that new phone that is just like a computer so I can edit my Blog here from anywhere now. I am off on a new project and didn't make it to the important business to win a contract with them yet but I have faith and believe in fate so I am confident I will pull this job in. Got a couple little outside jobs for quik money and so far I have made maybe 500 bucks maybe more.
    Goal: Again for the millionth time since grade school on I want to work on getting up and going down at regular normal times. I may go back and ask doc for sleeping aids. Had before and it helped for a long time even after I stopped them and now I have become a bit out of control again. I actually just think I have soo much going on even 10 - 11 pm at night. I need to spend some tme with 3 of my pets that medically need my attention too.

    Does anyone have a solution for when there is no one around to give pats on thwe back or to trll me that I am doing something wrong. If the partner in your life don't do and your parents have both passed away early, what or who or where is a solution. I can't posibly be that needy that nobody if anyone is reading this at all cant reate to me and tsll me what thry do.

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  20. gooshimin
    I have fallin off track with this Blog.

    Unfortuanately not much has changed. Sucks. Did get some new Vitamins and learn a few things about myself. I can be worse then I originally thought for one. It cycles and the cycles cycle. Arghhhh Ans lastly, I can sure turn nothing into something awesome, regardless of good or bad. My brain gets bored or something and it starts to create. Never ever ever is there a dull moment!

    I have other things I want to be doing here on the site and other Blogs and Posts I want to spend time writing and reading. I have actually reached out and made a couple Friends for the first time in 2 years.

    I cannot my my cell phones Android App to work with Drug-Forum in English. Even when I try using the recommended, maybe one, refered site called TALKA??? I come up with nothing. I can't even find Drug-Forum on Talka's site. That's another reason I can't keep this self analyasis going, it's just to dificult to sit out at the computer area and the phone isn't working for me.
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