Spent the day trying not to think of my brothers anniversary . Its been tough .
The summer of '96 was when nothing would ever be the same again . Life lost any kind of deep meaning .. my soul mate , friend , brother , protector , teacher was gone forever .
I still haven't really accepted it , although how it feels when one has is beyond me .. i just know i haven't and somehow i don't think i ever will . Its like living in a bit of a twilight .
Sometimes i have wondered whether the pain left behind within those grieving (or those attempting not to grieve , or those who simply cant) could somehow transfer to a soul in some way and put them into some kind of hell . I'm not religious , i just consider possibilities . I hope this isn't the case .
The fact that today i totally screwed up a download helped focus my mind for a few hours , but that really wasn't the intention . Strange how the universe seems to work .. i was really stressing about it .. no one else seems to have these kinds of basic PC problems .. stupid me again . Then , later , it dawned on me how much time i'd actually spent having to try work it out . Thank you universe .
I'm not crying . Is that a good thing ..? who knows . Its kind of hard to tell if its progress or some trick my mind is playing .
Either way , although i feel somewhat clinical , numb or whatever you call it , i would like to remember him now . He was and will always be the most precious man in my life and i am just so grateful to the universe that i was the one left to carry on and live for both of us , and that he didn't have to face this .
I haven't made a great job of things so far . Most of the time i'm not really too sure what i'm doing or where i'm going . I do kind of have a faith though , that somehow i will end up at peace on this earth . This journey , knowing my scatter brain , will probably take me all around the world and back .. back to where i started .. and i have a slightly unnerving feeling its somewhere in me , but we will see .
I imagine that if my brother could sense me now , he'd be shaking his head in frustration , cringing , and at times laughing hysterically . But i also know that that would be alright . It was always alright before . We were an unbreakable team until fate changed things , although i suppose depending on how i look at it , we still could be ?
Sometimes i wonder when my death day will be . The universe certainly hasn't let me decide on that one , and that's not through want of trying . My brother certainly would have kicked my sorry ass all the way back down to earth though , so maybe that was a good thing .
I guess when we realize those diamond souls , even if they are here for a short time , we surely must consider its a quality of time that must end , somehow and at some point . Even those 'times' fade away and i believe this is nothing to be scared of anymore . There used to be a time i would panic thinking 'OMG what if i cannot remember how he looked' .. but now , i think i realize its not about that . I haven't worked out just what it is about though .. yet .
There will never be another biker i could put all my trust in . You lived a short while brother , but what a fucking ride that was !
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