Depression came before the drugs. I was first diagnosed with depression when i was 12 by a family friend who was a therapist. I told myself it wasn't true and that he was just trying to explain my behavior to my parents. But I think he may have been right.
The second time I was diagnosed was after a rape. A friend took me to the campus couseling center where I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD. I told myself that wasn't true either. That they just wanted me out of the office and thought there job was done if they diagnosed me. But maybe they were right.
I was a victim of a tramatic accident and while in the hospital being treated for physical damage was assaulted. Then I was almost forced into counseling again where again I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD.
I know that mental illness exists. I have never denied that. My mind functions in a very logical, straight lines and math sort of way. So I have a hard time wrapping my head around what mental illness is. I do know that anyone can be depressed, but not necessarily suffer from depression and so on. That part I think is what confuses me.
I want to document my thoughts today. Because it's hard. Every day is hard so I don't know what makes today different. I rarely feel the urge to talk yet here it is. And theres no one to listen.
I have a great life. I am beyond blessed. My husband loves me, I have a job I am passionate about. I have a lot going for me. Why can't I take advantage of it? Why can't I hold onto those things and never look back? Lets see, let me list the mental illnesses I have:
-Depression. (Stopped fighting that diagnoses by this point)
-Anxiety. (Hard to tell If its an illness or I just get stressed a lot)
-PTSD. (Not as bad as soldiers who faught for our country but its there)
-Addiction. (Thats a new one)
I try to stop and remember how great I have it. I mean, life is not perfect but mental illness aside, there is not a thing I'd change. I think they start to all blur together and combined I feel I can't move. Very often I feel like I want to die. And I know suicide stuff isn't allowed on here so I hope this small reference is ok. Im always able to talk myself down, work through the immediate issues then find a way to go to sleep.
Today, I was feeling that way. I snagged a kitten as it ran past my bed and forced him to snuggle up with me as I cried. He fought it as first but eventually fell asleep in my arms. Our adult male cat, who never cuddles. Never. Jumped up on the bed with me and curled up by my side.
Those silly cats were enough to help me get through today. I don't know how I will get through tomorrow. But I survived today and I will worry about tomorrow tomorrow.
Once I get the mental energy to get out of bed and get a phone charger, I plan to research how my drug use effects my depression and anxiety Rx. Because they definitely aren't working the way they used to. I also need to look into mental illness and my career.... my job is flexible, but not go to rehab for a few months no issues flexible. *shudder* even thinking about that is painful. One day at a time is the only way to live without the anxiety over taking me but at the same time I know something has to change. When will it change? Will it be by choice? Will I be strong enough to get through it? Will my family still love me? What will I do with my life if I can't stay in my current career?
Today. I am thankful for my life. Thankful for my ever loving and patient husband. Thankful for hope. Thankful for all the people that have poured into my life.
Today I am especially thankful for my cats. And for DF. I am grateful to have a safe place to record my thoughts, read peoples stories and learn what I can.
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My Cats may save my life