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My Journey and where I am NOW

By Jake., Jul 8, 2015 | | |
Rating:
5/5,
  1. Jake.
    I just thought i'd write a blog entry on my personal history, drug use, and how I got to where I am now.

    I started drinking at 14, the age I came out as Gay. This was not the reason however.

    From 17-24 my drinking got heavier and heavier and I was an alcoholic, drinking 3 bottles of wine a day or 1 litre of spirits. I hated life, hated myself, and quit.

    I used other forums and support network and didnt drink a drop for 4 years.

    When I was 16 and left High School my eyes were opened to the world of drugs. I've done;

    Benzos
    MDMA
    Heroin
    Crack
    Coke
    LSD
    Magic Mushrooms
    Weed
    Meth
    GHB/L
    Amyl Nitrate
    You get the picture.......

    I went to college, got a Bachelors Degree in Sociology and Economics and with Upper Second class Honours.

    My drug/drink use was not affecting my professional performance.

    I started working in financial services and rose up from Consultant to Senior to Manager to BLOWOUT.

    I have had a mental breakdown due to stress, a 7 year relationship breakup and i tried to kill myself this June. The alcohol, crack and heroin addiction did not help.

    I also now have a criminal record.

    So now is the start again, i left my job, my house, and am living with parents.

    I went after MONEY thinking MONEY = HAPPYNESS!!!! Course it does! Does it fuck!

    So now I want to help others, am doing further retraining to be a better Therapist and give back to the world. I had it all and lost it all, fuck money.

    So yeah, I'm quitting Benzos right now but still on Mirtazapine and Quetiapine which I am tapering, along with therapy sessions.

    Yes even Therapists need to see therapists!

    I was speaking to a GP colleague and guess what? When she or her family are sick, she sees a GP! Who would want the weight of misdiagnosis on their shoulders for their family.....

    The journey begins...........


    Well today I went to collect my script;

    Albuterol Inhaler
    Beclomethasone Inhaler
    Omeprazole 20mg
    Mirtazapine 45mg?! (Should be 30mg)
    60 Carmellose Eye Drops as I have Keratoconus and wear RGP contacts

    I had my weekly call with my Doc. I speak to her weekly as I was referred to the crisis team for feeling suicidal, it was recommended that I speak weekly.

    I said that due to reducing by 15mgs in one week (Been on 45mg one month) I have been having insomnia from Mirtazapine (3 days 4ish hours sleep) and felt down as a result.

    She said it wasn't depression and it was tiredness causing the depressive feelings and prescribed.....

    Zopiclone!!! A GABAa agonist! I've been given very strict instructions to only take when absolutely needed and never twice in a row.

    I guess it will help with the Diclazepam withdrawal and I will stick to her orders.

    I've never taken a Z drug before so i will take half a 7.5mg tab at first, should last me ages.

    Doing well so far, still no benzos....

    Well today I have been out for breakfast, took all my vitamins this morning.

    I took 0.5mg Clonazolam yesterday and 90mg Mirtazapine.

    I nearly went to the crisis centre, was feeling reeeeeally depressed, so at about 5pm i caved and had 0.5mg Clonazolam and 45mg Mirtazapine.

    The weight gain effect from Mirtazapine seems to have subsided so i'm back up to 45mg again.

    It helped pull me out of a big hole quickly yesterday,

    My parents drove to a barbeque, i just slept in the back of the car, too anxious and paranoid to see anyone.

    Meh.

    Well today (13th) I am feeling much better,

    I had insomnia last night so I did take a Zopiclone, it gave me bad dreams though so I don't think i'm going to use any more....

    I have had 1mg Diclazepam today, a vast reduction from my previous daily high doses.

    I feel good. Still at 45mg Mirtazapine antidepressant,

    My GABA 750mg health suppliment has arrived today to be taken 3 times daily,

    Just the magnesium to arrive now!

    I'm not having much trouble apart from hyperactivity and lows, and insomnia, no shakes etc.

    Onwards and upwards! xx


    Well my benzo withdrawal is on hold at the moment, but for a good reason!

    I am coming off Mirtazapine, it has turned me into a fat emotionless slug with no energy.

    I don't know how else to put it!

    So i've tapered down from 45mg to currently 7.5mg, but every time I drop a dose I get insomnia , feel like I have the flu and have a really bad headache.

    So..... to help sleep I have some Temazepam, not ideal I know, but will be used for less than 2 weeks so i'm not that bothered.

    Also i'm taking cocodamol 30-500s for this horrible migraine head that Tylenol alone won't shift!!

    Other than that, i've re written my CV, am volunteering running addiction recovery meetings, and I feel great! full of energy! Just with a constant headache....

    I have another 2 books to read from my doc. I've been diagnosed with attachment disorder, so have ALOT of reading to do.

    Overall I feel great though, the weight is falling off and i'm full of energy!

    Because i'm on a NASSA and there's only 2 NASSAs in the world, one on the NHS, the old give them a long half life Prozac for withdrawals doesn't work as well apparently.

    If anything a long half life SNRI would help. And Venlafaxine sucks.

    Much love , Jake xxx

    Wed 07/22 and I feel tiiiired, I need matchsticks to keep my eyes open!

    Dropping from 15mg to 7.5mg has been a killer, I feel like I have BAD flu, heightened anxiety, didn't sleep til 2am. This is after taking all my meds.

    I know it's just rebound insomnia and it will pass in a week or two.

    At least it's not as bad as my nightmare Phenibut withdrawal :)

    One coffee, and one energy drink down and i'm still nodding.

    Need to wait for my post to arrive then back to bed.....

    I hope everyone is well :)

    Love Jake x

    Thursday, 23/07/15

    Well all week i've been feeling good, if tired.

    Sat 30mg Mirtazapine
    Sun 15mg Mirtazapine (Severe Insomnia)
    Mon 15mg Mirtazapine (Severe Insomnia)
    Tue 7.5 mg Mirtazapine (No Insomnia, Benzo induced Sleep)
    Wed 0mg Mirtazapine!!!!!! FREEE!!!! YEYEE (No Insomnia, Benzo induced Sleep)

    Only using a benzo sleeper for up to 2 weeks, I feel really good and full of energy for coming off the AD, but at the same time like I have the flu and a metal band round my head!

    It is a fast taper i've agreed with my Doc cas i wanted to drop the Mirt like a stone!

    I'm taking cocodamol for the flu/constant headache as Tylenol does nothing alone.

    I can also take 0.5mg Clonazepam 3 times a day, so far I haven't taken one, but took 3 yesterday. Such a good sleep....

    I've been diagnosed with Adult Attachment Disorder so am reading two books on those currently.

    Overall i'm glad to be feeling emotions again and hopefully the WDs won't last too long!

    Then I can carry on my Diclazepam taper.....

    24/07/15
    Well last night and today I have had no Clonazepam , and I don't plan to.

    I had 50mg Amitriptyline last night at 9.30pm. I woke up at 3am with a dead arm, had to use the other hand to pick my arm up lol, I thought I was paralysed!

    Smoked a cigarette then went back to bed, woke up at 9am. So 10.30-9am, 10.5 hours sleep!!! I NEVER sleep that much, even on hypnotic benzos or Z drugs for 'sleep'!!

    Long may it last.

    I am having rebound anxiety from quitting my antidepressant so I am doing 2 days benzos, 2 days sleep dosage Amytriptyline so as not to build up an addiction to the benzos.

    Overall I am helping people and feeling good, long may it last :)

    Have an awesome weekend everyone!!

    29/07/15

    I am tiiired this morning , got up at 7am, eek.

    The WD symptoms from coming off my antidepressents has diminished so I don't need to use my cocodamol 30/500s as much which is great!

    I'm not happy with having a benzo and amitryptyline to sleep though, so am going to stop the benzo after max 14 days.

    I have also ordered some Melatonin to help me sleep instead of amytriptyline

    although the amyt is a sub therapeutic dose for depression, i don't really want to be talking another anti depressant to get off another.

    Soon I will be drug free hopefully.

    Overall my depression has got so much better, I have more energy and my mood seems more stable off Mirtazapine!

    Woop!

    Hope everyone is well,

    J x

    31/07/15

    I am doing well, the headache has stopped , yeye!!!

    So i'm coming off the codeine, still have benzos for another week,

    I'm mainly reading at the moment, i have 5 books to read on NLP, and Psychotherapy.....

    But I love it, and helping you helps me :p

    Much Love

    Jake x

Comments

  1. Jake.
    I created a comment on my own blog by mistake, doh!
  2. Cwb20022
    Well I think your doing really well from Where you were a few months back. Just keep moving forward and think about the future. Good luck peace.
  3. Steven_Tyler77
    Wishing you good luck with the w/d's and all the best! :vibes:
  4. Jake.

    Thanks very much man, means alot, It couldn't have got much worse, but bad thoughts? THAT'S REDICULOUS!!! SMILE SMILE SMILE ALWAYS!!!!! It's helping me a lot.

    I care a lot about you as you know, hope all is well with you, send me a DM buddy.

    J
  5. Jake.
    Thanks ST :)
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