Here is my journey into the world of drugs - from an innocent, naive geek who was brought up to say no to drugs (including tobacco) to a regular IV meth user keen to experience any drugs I can get my hands on. Just to forewarn you, I am a gay male and as my drug use is closely linked to my sex life this blog includes detailed accounts of gay sex that some might find shocking. As I plan to update it when I'm high and feeling creative, it might be a bit wordy and go off on a tangent in places as my mind wanders, but I hope it all makes sense and you enjoy reading it. At the very least it's a reminder to myself how my life has changed in the past few months, and provides a window on a pivotal time in my life when I said yes to drugs for the first time.
This time last year I would never have considered taking illegal drugs. I wasn't even tempted to try. I'd never smoked (tobacco or weed), didn't drink alcohol regularly until I went to university, and took prescription medication reluctantly (especially painkillers).
The only drug I considered myself to be somewhat addicted to was caffeine - I drank an unhealthy amount of coke and energy drinks. I'm not a morning person and don't like coffee, so when I needed to be up early for work I relied on Red Bull, Monster or similar. I also used energy drinks to keep me awake on a night out, sometimes staying up all night. Then I started using pre-workout supplements that were high in caffeine, and loved the energy boost they gave me.
Things changed when I went travelling in Australia. It all started with my choice of in-flight entertainment on the outbound flight - as I'd never seen it before, I decided to watch season 1 of Breaking Bad to pass the time. I was soon hooked, and wondered why I'd never followed it earlier - maybe I was put off by the drug theme. It didn't make me want to try drugs (the series doesn't glamorise drug-taking), but it was an introduction to a world that was previously alien to me. Little did I know that this new world would soon become quite familiar (and isn't quite as scary as the series made it out to be).
On arrival in Australia I soon made friends with many young, carefree backpackers who smoked weed openly and lived like there was no tomorrow. I liked this new way of life, and as I had no commitments to worry about and was able to take a year off work (funded by savings/investments) I decided that this trip was going to be all about new experiences. For most of my life I've been so focused on getting a good education (leading to a well-paid but boring job) that I never really considered what else I wanted out of life. I'd been sensible for way too long, it was time to 'live it up' a bit whilst I was free and had the opportunity.
As a young, shy gay male with a high sex drive it wasn't long before I was meeting up with local guys and having the best sex of my life. I joined a few group sessions, and heard people talk about chems and 'wired play'. I was intrigued - the guys engaging in this new kind of sex were young and hot, and I was being welcomed into their circles. I wasn't used to this - whenever I met up with guys at home it was usually a quick fuck & go, and never heard from them again.
The first time I tried meth/tina was following a night out on the local gay scene, I'd had quite a few drinks and was feeling horny. I opened Grindr and to see who was online and got a message from couple of hot guys who asked if I wanted to join them for a wired session. We chatted for a bit, swapped pics and I decided to go for it. They were close, so if it didn't work out I could just walk back to my hostel.
I arrived at their apartment and they were already naked on the bed, eager for me to join them. They kept passing round this glass pipe, lighting it then inhalling and blowing out thick clouds of smoke. I'd already told them I was new to this, so they explained how to take a hit and let me know what to expect from this substance they called 'tina'. It took me a while to get it right and inhale properly - as I'd never smoked anything before it didn't come naturally and I probably wasted a lot of it. But the guys were patient and chilled. Between hits on the pipe we engaged in oral sex, wanking each other off and watching porn. I could feel something building inside me after each hit - it was a mixture of feeling relaxed, horny, content and more awake.
Then one of the guys need a piss and asked if I was into watersports (piss play). I'd tried it before and enjoyed it - it wasn't something I did often, but as I was so horny I was willing to do anything with these guys. He told me that piss play was even better when high, and I would love it. We went to the bathroom and he started to fuck me in the shower, then I felt some warmth inside my ass as he started to piss in me (apologies if this sounds gross - I know that watersports doesn't appeal to everyone). He continued to fuck me for a bit whilst pissing, then pulled out and told me to hold the 'tina piss' inside me as long as I could. After a couple of minutes I released it and had a brief shower to ensure I was clean and get rid of the smell (the one thing I dislike about piss play), before rejoining the guys in the bedroom.
What happened next was a surprise - the warm feeling from the piss soon started to build in intensity and turned into a very pleasant 'fuzzy' sensation. It was a lot more intense than what I'd felt from the pipe, and I had an overwhelming urge to be fucked again - my ass was 'hungry', it needed to be filled. Lucky for me, there were 2 tops who were happy to oblige. Being fucked whilst high was such an amazing feeling - I enjoyed every thrust and felt none of the discomfort I sometimes get during sober sex, just pure pleasure. I could keep going for hours (and we did). The other guys were clearly having fun too, and it turned me on more knowing that my ass was giving them so much pleasure. This was way better than the quick fuck & go sessions I was used to.
We must have played all night, alternating between fucking and just chilling. Annoyingly I couldn't get hard and at times the other guys struggled to keep it up - I soon learnt that this was a common side-effect of the drug and not an indication of arousal. I was in full bottom mode so it didn't matter to me.
We chatted quite a bit too (my shyness completely disappeared whilst I was high), I asked loads of questions about this new drug I was trying for the first time and they were happy to help a newbie. I discovered that they had been playing for several hours before I joined and had 'slammed'. As this involved needles it didn't appeal to me at all - the mere thought of injecting something into my veins petrified me, I hated vaccinations and had passed out more than once during a blood test. It was interesting hearing about all the other ways you could take the drug, each one giving a slightly different experience. I'd tried 2 already - smoking and plugging (in the form of tina piss, which could be considered an entirely different ROA). Whilst we chatted the pipe was passed around again and this time I got some decent hits (either I'd mastered the technique this time or just took felt more relaxed and able to enjoy it).
After a while I noticed it was daylight, and I'd been out all night. It was the first time I experienced 'meth time' - I thought I'd only been there 3-4 hours, but it was more like 7-8. The time had just flown by. As the other guys had been playing for a while before I arrived and had pland later that day, they suggested it was time to bring the session to a close and I reluctantly agreed. I was only expecting to stay a couple of hours, instead this was the longest group sex session I'd ever had.
I was still pretty high (and horny) when I left and found the short walk back to my hostel quite surreal. I felt like everyone was looking at me and was chatted up by a guy en route who offered to buy me a drink at a nearby bar (which I declined) - I'm still unsure if he was real or a figment of my imagination. When I got back to my room the other bunks were empty - which was a relief, as I didn't feel like explaining why I'd been out all night. I had a shower, put on some fresh clothes and lay on my bed thinking about the crazy night I'd just had. Although it was nice to lie down, I didn't feel tired at all. I didn't know how long this high would last - it felt like it would never end!
I spent the next few hours glued to my phone - mostly chatting to various guys on grindr hoping to arrange another meet, as well as researching this drug I'd just tried for the first time. I found this forum, and over the next few days learnt everything I could about meth.
Until this point I had no idea that I'd just tried one of the most potent and illegal drugs available - I thought I was going for a paddle but instead I'd jumped straight into the deep end. This popular sex-enhancing drug known on the local gay scene as Tina was actually crystal meth (or methamphetamine), a drug demonised by the media and politicians, associated with hardcore junkies, powerful cartels, shady dealers, police raids and (as I'd discovered just a few weeks earlier) the series Breaking Bad. It was serious stuff - highly addictive, dangerous and life-changing.
I should have been scared and put off but I wasn't - the more I read about it on Drugs Forum, the less I was inclined to believe the media scare stories and anti-drugs messages that had been firmly planted in my mind since school. I've read about other members' experiences with tina/meth (good and bad), learnt about harm reduction, and found answers to many questions I had about the drug. It was reassuring to find and chat to members who have successfully found ways to use the drug in moderation whilst living a balanced life, as well as others like me who share their journey.
My journey with drugs had just begun, and life would soon get a lot more interesting....