my mistakes in the post MXE world..

By misskatie · May 10, 2012 · ·
  1. misskatie
    Ok so its been a month since the UK ban on methoxetamine. It had been my daily coping mechanism, my self medication of choice, for so long that i really was unsure what I would do without it. But life must go on and so I spent a lot of time researching a substitute with both disastrous and promising results.

    What I've learned about myself through this process is that I'm inconsistent in my application of caution. A lot of, if not all of the consequences of this past month have been down to me being overly cautious when I should have been willing to take a chance, and overly eager when I should have practiced caution...

    I had gotten used to buying my RCs from a particular vendor as they had proven themselves reliable and trustworthy so I decided against buying good MXE replacement substances from other suppliers out of fear of getting conned by a bunk site. This was a mistake.

    I did contact my supplier about the possibility of stocking a PCP analogue or DXM and actually was assured that they intended to very soon. So indstead of finding another dissociative to replace methoxetamines place in my life I decided to experiment with a few of the other substances available from my usual supplier.

    Now, i wasn't really sure what I wanted, apart from knowing i wanted something that increased dopamine levels. I enjoy seratonin releasing substances but I've done them to death, and trippy psychadelics I enjoy to but its hardly something you can function on every day. So in the end and after a little researching on DF I ordered a gram of ethylphenidate. I should point out I was warned about the dangers of stimulant abuse and related psychosis by several DF members but I was feeling adventurous. I mean i had done speed and coke to death in my late teens and hadn't suffered any psychological consequences so how bad could it be? This was my second mistake.

    On reflection I dont think stimulants are something I should mess with anyway, I have trouble sleeping at the best of times and stimulants only make that worse. But the problem is I love certain aspects of a stimulant high. I love being aroused, whivh doesnt happen to me when sober due to my hormone reigeme. I love the music appreciation and dancing. And, rather vainly, I love the instant weight loss. Ethylphenidate provided all of these and i proceeded to spend 3 days awake on the stuff listening to music and various other activities..

    Things were fine until the final night of the binge. I was spending most of my time in my living room with music on. I always get a little paranoid while on stimulants but tonight, everytime i went to the kitchen or toilet I thought I could hear people talking outside, and after a while it seemed like they were talking about me. Whenever i looked out of the window i couldnt see a thing as the glass was quite steamed up and everything outside looked dark and blurry..

    This continued all night making me more and more paranoid. And in the morning I started to hear noises in my attic like sneaky slow footsteps and hushed voices. Yhe high of the night before had almost faded by now and i was really getting freaked out. At first i didnt want to say snything to my partner as I was sure i must just be hearing things so I let her go off to work without mentioning it. But it continued and I was sure that there was someone up there who wanted to harm me.

    It got so bad that I called my brother and then the police. Now I know that sounds drastic but what I was hearing was so convincing. The police came and checked out the attic but found noone, or any evidence of intrusion. They put the noises down to a bird or rodent getting into the attic or crawlspace. My brother stayed for a while listening to me ramble on about what i was hearing. He listened for these noises. He didnt hear anything. I could still hear it.

    Days passed and the noises continued, my partner couldnt hear them and neither could anyone else who visited. I knew it was an auditory hallucination and my fear of it was just paranoia, but something instinctive kept sensing danger and ignoring that instinct proved impossible. Sleep became impossible too. My over-active paranoia would attribute every noise at night to the intruders in the attic. I started to become very defensive all the time. I couldnt relax and didn't like being in the house alone. Whenever my partner would go to work, i would head straight to the pub. Or sleep outside. Yes you read that right I started sleeping outside. It felt safer than being at home.

    I explained everything to my partner, and that i knew it was psychosis but I couldnt seem to ignore it. It just felt so *real*. She was very understanding and recommended trying something that would reduce anxiety. My RC supplier had Etizolam so I ordered some hoping it would help. I know what youre thinking, i should have find to the doctor but we have a family member who is schitzophrenic and how they are treated by the medical professionals here is horrible not to mention the stigma they get. I get enough of that as a transexual so I thought self medicating was the best option. This ultimately turned out to be another mistake.

    Etizolam did reduce the anxiety and eliminated the auditory hallucinations. I felt safe for the first time in weeks. But eventually the day came when I overdid it.

    I woke up one morning with no memory of the day before. Soon after waking the police arrived at my house. They had been called because the night before i had lashed out with threatning behavior toward someone at the pub who has transphobic. Lets just say it was bad enough that I was banned from the pub. The police didn't arrest me bit I was warned.

    Without Etizolam the symptoms of psychosis returned.. my paranoia returned. And I had to get more Etizolam. I let my partner control them this time so i couldnt go on a binge. And i got some aMT for the weekend as I was now banned from the pub and have always been kind of a loner. I have friends, but not the kind you hang out with all the time..

    Over time things have shown some improvement but the symptoms still show up every now and again. My RC supplier didn't end up stocking anf dissociatives despite assuring me they were planning to. So I found a source for pure DXM instead. Which works do much better at both improving my symptoms and allowing me to function and be happy in life. It appears as with MXE, NMDA receptor antagonists serve as a great anti depressant for me.

    So now I just wonder if the psychosis symptoms will ever go away? It's only the one thing i hear, sounds in the attic. Ive considered moving house to somewhere without an attic, that way i couldn't possibly hear it. And I'm fine whenever im not in the house.. I feel like this is my fault. But I cant help but feel this is also the result of the government banning mxe as i would have never been buying other substances if mxe was available. That's a lame excuse I know, so I resign myself to the fact that I have fucked up my head and its all my fault.

    Anyhow right now I'm happy with using DXM as an MXE substitute and all I can do i guess is just hope over time without stimulants my brain kicks back into normal mode. That, or actually do move house..

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  1. sans-deity
    I agree that there is a massive gap now that mxe has been banned. Not everything is known about the compound yet so the government i suppose is reesearching it with the thunderbirds or they may even now call themselve the ACMD. There is more than likely no way they can un-classify this drug, it would be almost endorsing it. Maybe its not a gap that should be filled with another substance. The vendors will be lining one up soon it was their biggest 'hit', some have already anounced up coming arrivals, my belief is that these drugs are for more advanced research, or uses. Same should have been true of MXE. Very powerfull drugs in weak hands cause many problems.

    As for DXM have you fully read all the information available on it? On drugs-forum, search and read very carefully the DXM FAQ experiences on all independent sources. I also bet if you ask any former user wether you should and im not admitting that I am one. Will advise strongly against it, anything above an upper second plateau dose is never described as recreational. It is a dissociative like a strong dose of mxe minus any comfort, you mention schizophrenia far too often for this to have any benifit to your life. Most DXM and addictions end in dissaster.

    Dont be put into a false sense of security with it being the powder either there is a lethal dose not too far away from the higher plateus that is different for everybody.

    Im not into telling people how to live their lives but I would advise to leave this one alone.

    Ps using smart phone do poor spell check/layout sorry
  2. misskatie
    Hey there, I don't do high doses. I used to with MXE occasionally but getting into 'a hole' lost its appeal. With DXM I only do low does to get that 'touched by god' feeling. Although there is something missing with DXM alone so I add a little of a dopamine releasing substance to balance it out.
  3. hookedonhelping
    I remember, about 15 years ago, I had purchased some dxm and had some really wild times with it.. my perception of sound was pretty wild. I heard alot of things.. radios playing that weren't on.. very fun material. I am not sure if that is controlled in it's pure form here in the states, but it was relatively safe if you don't mind losing all your motor control on higher doses. Maybe you should mix in a break every now and then =) I believe my friend was saying the dose of mxe atm would be too high and the reward zone doesn't have any juice to lend out.. it would be a complete waste and likely damaging. I suspect the same would hold true for dxm. It wasn't something I would consider a substitute for daily use, but then again I wouldn't use this on a daily basis as your probably doing more harm that good. =/

    Have you ever tried 1,3-dimethylamino for energy? It seems very safe on this end, and doesn't seem to raise my blood pressure any, but gives a little boost at 30-40mg.. probably much safer then ethylphenidate, but not nearly as intense.

    Great post =)
  4. Hellestopholes
    Sounds like you are crossing a similar post-psychedelia wasteland as I am at the mo.

    I was seriously into Mescaline /Mushroom / Acid -as much as my system could handle- back in the 90's. That led to years of Opium/H/Methadone program addiction to counter the inevitable burnout. Managed to finally kick the accursed narc painkillers last Dec.

    When I discovered MXE on the RC scene last year I fell in love with it immediately. Legal self medication for depression was just the excuse I needed to keep going higher and higher over the months. Eventually large dosing once every night- for months, Happy, energetic and content during the daytime and for me it was heavenly OBE's, lucid dreams with *decades* of time -dilation and nutty social eccentricity I wasn't aware of that freaked everyone out!
    Even after an very near OD/ death experience in hospital I kept taking not quite so large doses every night, (after a 2 week break)... Death doesn't scare me in the slightest anymore, but luckily I have NEVER believed in choosing suicide. Our corporeal end is inevitable anyway, isn't it?

    One night MXE begun to do nothing but put me in an empty void-hole, rather than the euphoric nexus I lived for. Gave it a rest for a few weeks but subsequent attempts showed me it was over.

    Sure did the job big-time as a long term antidepressant - I quit MXE last year, but now my emotions are so blunted I feel neither happy or sad anymore. I don't miss the miserable depression I used to get but now I see that without lows there can be no highs in life. I've gotten pretty good at pretending enjoyment socially to stop the prying.
    Though I study /participate in recovery programs I still lack resolve to stop dabbling in some of these these newer substances - no further desire to take opiates or dissociatives, ....I'll get all that when I sail over the great horizon at endgame.

    My psyche is indecisive and split about abandoning chem use altogether as sober life is such a bleak wasteland, occasional EPH / bit of alcohol use is the only time I can enjoy anything these days. That should worry me, but those kind of emotions are just a concept to me now.

    Dissociatives abuse is most definitely dicing with death. Anyone who still has the choice should leave 'em alone or I'll be there to welcome you all to the 'Ghost Zone'.

    I AM a mistake in the post MXE world. It simply is no longer funny.
    Glad it 'don't hurt no more'.
  5. SpatialReason
    Check out my "MXE withdrawal and addiction" post... I get this absolutely. The drug will, indeed, leave you with a void left unfilled. I get angry at the fact that I can't let myself have any more due to the horrible amounts I started doing and the chances of overdose going up.

    It happens...
  6. coolhandluke
    in my opinion, any kind of drug us as a for of self medication is not going to work, wether legal RC's or no, one thing will dry up, something worse for you steps in, and the cycle goes on. with a history of mental disorders in the family using drugs to this extent is not going to end well. to me the whole being a loner and abusing dissociatives raises the question if there is something more than depression you are hiding from.

    i live in the states and i can tell you here at least the stigma and way people with mental disorders are treated have made leaps and bounds, maybe not so much in the quality of medication, but the way they are looked at as a person. and having an attitude other than "poor me, its not fair, i didn't ask for any of this" is going to help to, try and take the bull by the horns, ask your doctor questions, things you can do to help with your mood like exercise and diet. doctors now days are a lot less ignorant about mental illness, and people are following suit, additionally how can you receive stigma from the general public for a completely private medical issue.

    im sorry but the reason depression and things like that are not treated with the sort of mood altering drugs you are using is because it is not going to be viable long term, you were high on drugs for days and it had led to a lasting paranoia and audible hallucinations that wont go away unless more drugs are taken, thats some serious shit.

    in my opinion real mistake was taking mxe in the first place, and the fact you seemingly refuse to even consider being treated by a doctor. if your uncle is being treated badly in this day and age my guess is either you are not getting the full side of the story (ie, you uncle is saying the doctors are doing this and that, but perhaps in reality they are trying as best they can to treat a very hard illness and sometimes its hard to get someone to "take their medicine" so to speak, ive been in mental institutes before and have seen situations like that A LOT) and the fact is he is older and was subjected to the was older generations view mental health, but now days i have never met a general practitioner or even a random emergency room doctor who treated me any different knowing i have had mental health issues and addiction issues since i was 15, nothing at all.

    i think you need to really take a good look at where you want your life to go, why you are using these drugs, and if you are happy right now. additionally i cant imagine how worried your partner is, hearing things, police, banned from the bar, reclusive behavior, and using drugs that are classified as basically dissociating from real life.

    in my opinion drugs are the problem.
  7. Hellestopholes
    Thanks I will have a read.... I appreciate not feeling so alone in this!
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