Ok so its been a month since the UK ban on methoxetamine. It had been my daily coping mechanism, my self medication of choice, for so long that i really was unsure what I would do without it. But life must go on and so I spent a lot of time researching a substitute with both disastrous and promising results.
What I've learned about myself through this process is that I'm inconsistent in my application of caution. A lot of, if not all of the consequences of this past month have been down to me being overly cautious when I should have been willing to take a chance, and overly eager when I should have practiced caution...
I had gotten used to buying my RCs from a particular vendor as they had proven themselves reliable and trustworthy so I decided against buying good MXE replacement substances from other suppliers out of fear of getting conned by a bunk site. This was a mistake.
I did contact my supplier about the possibility of stocking a PCP analogue or DXM and actually was assured that they intended to very soon. So indstead of finding another dissociative to replace methoxetamines place in my life I decided to experiment with a few of the other substances available from my usual supplier.
Now, i wasn't really sure what I wanted, apart from knowing i wanted something that increased dopamine levels. I enjoy seratonin releasing substances but I've done them to death, and trippy psychadelics I enjoy to but its hardly something you can function on every day. So in the end and after a little researching on DF I ordered a gram of ethylphenidate. I should point out I was warned about the dangers of stimulant abuse and related psychosis by several DF members but I was feeling adventurous. I mean i had done speed and coke to death in my late teens and hadn't suffered any psychological consequences so how bad could it be? This was my second mistake.
On reflection I dont think stimulants are something I should mess with anyway, I have trouble sleeping at the best of times and stimulants only make that worse. But the problem is I love certain aspects of a stimulant high. I love being aroused, whivh doesnt happen to me when sober due to my hormone reigeme. I love the music appreciation and dancing. And, rather vainly, I love the instant weight loss. Ethylphenidate provided all of these and i proceeded to spend 3 days awake on the stuff listening to music and various other activities..
Things were fine until the final night of the binge. I was spending most of my time in my living room with music on. I always get a little paranoid while on stimulants but tonight, everytime i went to the kitchen or toilet I thought I could hear people talking outside, and after a while it seemed like they were talking about me. Whenever i looked out of the window i couldnt see a thing as the glass was quite steamed up and everything outside looked dark and blurry..
This continued all night making me more and more paranoid. And in the morning I started to hear noises in my attic like sneaky slow footsteps and hushed voices. Yhe high of the night before had almost faded by now and i was really getting freaked out. At first i didnt want to say snything to my partner as I was sure i must just be hearing things so I let her go off to work without mentioning it. But it continued and I was sure that there was someone up there who wanted to harm me.
It got so bad that I called my brother and then the police. Now I know that sounds drastic but what I was hearing was so convincing. The police came and checked out the attic but found noone, or any evidence of intrusion. They put the noises down to a bird or rodent getting into the attic or crawlspace. My brother stayed for a while listening to me ramble on about what i was hearing. He listened for these noises. He didnt hear anything. I could still hear it.
Days passed and the noises continued, my partner couldnt hear them and neither could anyone else who visited. I knew it was an auditory hallucination and my fear of it was just paranoia, but something instinctive kept sensing danger and ignoring that instinct proved impossible. Sleep became impossible too. My over-active paranoia would attribute every noise at night to the intruders in the attic. I started to become very defensive all the time. I couldnt relax and didn't like being in the house alone. Whenever my partner would go to work, i would head straight to the pub. Or sleep outside. Yes you read that right I started sleeping outside. It felt safer than being at home.
I explained everything to my partner, and that i knew it was psychosis but I couldnt seem to ignore it. It just felt so *real*. She was very understanding and recommended trying something that would reduce anxiety. My RC supplier had Etizolam so I ordered some hoping it would help. I know what youre thinking, i should have find to the doctor but we have a family member who is schitzophrenic and how they are treated by the medical professionals here is horrible not to mention the stigma they get. I get enough of that as a transexual so I thought self medicating was the best option. This ultimately turned out to be another mistake.
Etizolam did reduce the anxiety and eliminated the auditory hallucinations. I felt safe for the first time in weeks. But eventually the day came when I overdid it.
I woke up one morning with no memory of the day before. Soon after waking the police arrived at my house. They had been called because the night before i had lashed out with threatning behavior toward someone at the pub who has transphobic. Lets just say it was bad enough that I was banned from the pub. The police didn't arrest me bit I was warned.
Without Etizolam the symptoms of psychosis returned.. my paranoia returned. And I had to get more Etizolam. I let my partner control them this time so i couldnt go on a binge. And i got some aMT for the weekend as I was now banned from the pub and have always been kind of a loner. I have friends, but not the kind you hang out with all the time..
Over time things have shown some improvement but the symptoms still show up every now and again. My RC supplier didn't end up stocking anf dissociatives despite assuring me they were planning to. So I found a source for pure DXM instead. Which works do much better at both improving my symptoms and allowing me to function and be happy in life. It appears as with MXE, NMDA receptor antagonists serve as a great anti depressant for me.
So now I just wonder if the psychosis symptoms will ever go away? It's only the one thing i hear, sounds in the attic. Ive considered moving house to somewhere without an attic, that way i couldn't possibly hear it. And I'm fine whenever im not in the house.. I feel like this is my fault. But I cant help but feel this is also the result of the government banning mxe as i would have never been buying other substances if mxe was available. That's a lame excuse I know, so I resign myself to the fact that I have fucked up my head and its all my fault.
Anyhow right now I'm happy with using DXM as an MXE substitute and all I can do i guess is just hope over time without stimulants my brain kicks back into normal mode. That, or actually do move house..
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