I feel like I have no one I can talk about this with. Which isn't TOTALLY true, but...like...I dunno if anyone else I'm willing to talk to right now can really understand. Anyway...
My mother's been a right fucking cunt lately. She's been stealing money from my brother (who was in jail, and he wasn't able to get bailed out because she stole HIS money & ended up taking a plea after 6 months in and...it's complicated). He kept saying he thought she had a gambling problem. I said, no, she's DEFINITELY doing cocaine again, this is pathetically typical cokehead behaviour. I'm surprised at him, since he *ALSO* had a big cocaine problem for a while, so how does he not recognize the signs? I guess we all have our own denials to survive. But seriously - someone addicted to Keno doesn't take out over $300 in 4 ATM transactions in one day - that's a cocaine problem right there. *shakes head*
My brother got out, went to see our mom, to get his phone & his damn ATM card. He couldn't tell how she looked (??!), but her story was she was taking his money to pay for motels, cuz she wasn't able to find an apartment in time before she had to move out of her ex-fiance's house.
She called me yesterday morning. She said she wanted to tell me before someone else did that she's in a Sober House, and on her way to a meeting. She said something about not working, so I asked if she lost her job & she said no no no, I'm just on temporary disability leave. We say a couple nothing things, and then I finally asked her "so...you HAVE been having some troubles lately, then?" and she paused, and said "yeah". I replied that I thought so, and that I'm really glad she's doing something about it. I didn't want to make her feel worse/guilty/whatever, but I also wanted to let her know she wasn't foolin' a fellow addict & that I really was pleased she was getting help.
Here's the thing. My mother & I have a fairly toxic relationship, regardless of how hard I try to make it work, or how hard I try to pretend she doesn't exist. We do NOT have that warm&fuzzy mother-daughter relationship, no matter how badly I want it, or how much she pretends we do once every 6 months or so for 3 weeks at a time.
I can't stop thinking about her, out there running the streets. I just remember that abject misery I felt when I was homeless & chasing drugs & it fucking KILLS ME to think of ANYONE else hurting that way, but ESPECIALLY my mother. She's still my mother, no matter how bad she is at being a mother, and I'm fucking GUTTED at the idea of her going through that misery & pain.
Just as it hurt that my father didn't call me until 3 days AFTER the lung surgery he had on his cancer to tell me (what if he'd died on the fucking table??!?!?), it hurts that my mother wouldn't feel like she could talk to me about this. Who the fuck would understand BETTER?? Although I understand not telling your daughter about your drug problem a lot more than I understand not letting your daughter be there for you during your cancer surgery. There's a lot of shame (mostly from ourselves) with drug addiction, especially when you've "beaten" it before - you never want to admit you fell again.
I feel like no one other than another seriously in-deep cocaine addict can understand the despondency you feel when you're in it. I can tell you all about the last 6 months of my using, I can tell you about the last day in all it's (emotionally) painful glory, about the blood & the tears & the not-wanting-to-be-dead-but-unable-to-live-this-life-but-have-no-idea-how-to-get-yourself-out-of-it feeling. But I think it's hard for someone to *REALLY* understand it...
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