I'd like to talk to you about my penis. Come on, we've all seen a few and some of us have clapped eyes on more than others (you know who I'm taking to). So stop smirking like some Edwardian schoolchild and show this proud lexical unit the respect that is it's due.
When i was knee-high to a grasshopper's genitalia my Uncle Baldylocks said, "Mindless, when a man can say Penis without sniggering he's showing true spunk."
Old Baldy instilled in me a lifelong passion for sensible phallic discourse. I dedicate this blog to my tonsured penile prophet.
I rose around 4 a.m. this morning. Although urination cured that problem sleep evaded me; I had a pretty important interview to attend and was all a-quiver with anticipation. I decided to kill a couple of hours on the forum, before I know it I had 15 minutes to put on my suit and leg it down the bus stop.
I made it with seconds to spare. As I boarded the nice lady bus driver commented that I was 'flying low'. In my haste to remedy this I yanked up the zip. I'll tell you this, Marks & Spencers flies are remarkably resilient when embedded five kinks-deep in the pecker-parker hood.
I waddled manfully, in search of a seat in a sufficiently discrete location to release my jammed janglyman. Naturally, I ended up surrounded by elderly ladies and young mums with kids.
My intense craving to frantically tug at my privates was to be resisted at all costs. I disembarked in the city centre and found a McDonald's with a vacant cubicle. This was a serious logjam but time was running out; I was due in the office in ten minutes.
I took that zipper tag and gave a herculean heave. As the penis has a healthy blood supply, the resulting 4 millimitre gash continued to gush. I had to wad toilet roll and secure this in place with an adhesive silver notice glued to the roll dispenser.
I managed to pull off a good interview without looking as if I were a freak case of male menstruation. My penis wound has scabbed over and is clean; but is now complaining of a 'headache' and has vetoed smegma production on health and safety grounds.
Respect M&S trouser zips and make Old Baldy's legacy count; say 'Penis' and say it with (somber) pride.
Would anyone else care to relate Penis anecdotes in a sober, mature fashion with absolutely no use of double entendre or unseemly smut?