i'm soooo coldddd brrrr *zips up hoodie*
warning: this may be considered intense insomnia rambling.
Thats basically been what everyone around me has been hearing lately. I'm fucking freezing and i'm on an Island. It's fucked up.
It's funny because it makes me angry, I'm so not an angry person but my mind feels like it's going insane right now. Like I feel better one moment and the next I just am hating everything. Just loathe it all...
Plus I can't sleep. I've been up for like 20 something hours and only had around 3 hours of sleep the night before so I guess that has to do with my loopy-ness. It is awful though.
Sleep is literally my favorites thing in the whole wide world. I love it. I love dreaming. And now I can't have it and it's just bugging me.
I'm grateful though that I have spring break. I don't have to worry about school.
I've always had anxiety, since I was a little girl and it's pretty prevalent within my family (don't get me started on my moms side...) but anyway me and my mom have really bad anxiety. She gets panic attacks and I have GAD. But really whatever you classify it as it's just severe anxiety.
I'm blessed to have my therapist help me through the way. She is so amazing! I look up to her hella much and I have been seeing her since I was 14.
Yesterday as I was sitting in her office i was happy because I was clean for 11 days, (now 12 i believe) and I just love talking to her. She made a good point though that even though I've been seeing her for years we haven't properly treated my anxiety...
I tried prozac and welbutrin and shit like that when i was like 13/14 (prescribed) but i didn't really stick to it. I had just gotten into being not exactly a child so I wanted to experience partying. Safe to say treating my anxiety was not on the top of my to-do list back then.
But that was like 5 years ago, and although my anxiety was super bad it's gotten so much worse with these fucking opiates that take over peoples lives.
So within the past 4 years was when I got into everything that I had. During high school I had absolutely nothing to do but to go get fucked up with my friends. And we were all in the same boat. And we still are even though we've all gone our separate paths.
My ex-boyfriend from when I was 17-almost 19 just went into rehab last saturday. For that I am so proud of him.
Then it's like 60% of the people I used to hang out with are doing the same shit as I was and it's just becoming bad. We're young we're not supposed to be fiends.
And I just feel like ugh I want to sleep so bad. so so so so bad. I know I shouldn't be staring at the computer screen but this is the only thing that's really occupying my mind right now.
This restless leg shit has got to stop too.
I'm on day 12 so thats past the initial withdrawal but now my body is churning outside of it's skin because of craving. Yet I know I can resist. I got this.
if you read this, thanks