My Story

By Oneiromancer · Mar 31, 2011 · ·
  1. Oneiromancer
    Hello All -

    I am enjoying using this forum already. It really is a good vibe here. I want to try my best to help others who are suffering from addiction and to share knowledge with all - to impart it and to learn.

    As you can see from my Profile stats Im 33 and i live in england. -

    Here is my story. -

    I have been clean and sober for over 2 years. -

    Here is a summary of what happened leading up to now. My journey and my path that finally lead to my Recovery and Healing - How I Became Well Again..... please forgive me if its disjointed - it is very emotional for me to go through this.. -

    **AGE 13/14**-

    When I was about 13/14 i first tried a little bit of alcohol. No major revelations there , i did not have that much and i knew it made me drunk. I remember my cat trying some cannabis and it totally whacked him out really. he didnt know what to expect - he remembers some closed eye Visuals and he thought the drug was pretty nice. -

    I never did feel quite right being completely clean and sober. i think this is often the way for someone who has the potential to become an alcoholic or drug addict. I felt incomplete - I felt scared - I lacked self esteem in a major way - i saw the world as a scary place- and its inhabitants as very intimadating - I was scared through and through --

    My earliest memories are actually of Fear-

    I see the definition of an "alcoholic" as someone who is "addicted to alcohol." for me its as simple as that. -

    **AGE 15-16**-

    When i was 15 me and my friend drank a lot of cider about two litres - 6/7 % - each-

    My Cat was completely out of it and his father was concerned - he was already worried that he was going to become an alcoholic - because his paternal grandfather was a heavy drinker. -

    My cat never used to drink just a little bit - He always drank to get drunk. even from the age of 15... -

    My cat remembers being in the forest with his friend and we would be chugging down a bottle of vermouth each.. He remembers passing the bottle to him whislt he threw up violently and then he'd take his bottle whilst they threw up - they thought it was hilarious how they causually destroyed theirselves- if only he could see the near total tragedy that was unfolding-

    from that point i think something clicked in my cat.... -

    He realised that he felt better and less scared and much more happy when he was drinking or using... for him though initially it was the alcohol that became the worst problem ... -

    when my cat was 16 he got into cannabis in a major way.. he used to smoke bong after bong (he actually used an empty 2 litre plastic bottle - he called it a "tap" ) -

    anyway he got totally addicted to cannabis - he would have about 15 bongs a day some times - -

    ** AGE 20-21 **-

    When he was about 20/21 he started to take a liknig to alcohol a lot more - he would absolutely love going on line in chat rooms - drinking copious ammounts of bacardi breezers - and chatting up women-

    it started to get bad at this point this is where some thing me clicked - and a monster inside my cat was born - an insidiuos one - that slowly gained his strength - and waited for the right time to take control of him.... -

    **AGE 22**-

    when he was 22 he moved into his own flat -

    In his new flat he just loved it - he would drive out around the country in his new job - and when he came back to his home county - my cat would go to house parties and take ecstasy , speed and cocaine , usually just 2 of these drugs in one evening - i think sometimes he took all three (his memory is not so good now...) -

    My cat would also drink alcohol with these substances - usually in the early hours of the morning when the drugs would wear off.he would drink neat spirits.... -

    My cat would drive home after taking all these drugs and being over the limit with alcohol. -

    My cat has also taken LSD 3 or 4 times and once he drove home afeter taking acid... he could see two motorways ... he was a bit scared... -

    When my cat got home he would continue the party on his own most times - drinking tequilla and taking codenie and zopicline on occasions-

    One night, my cat took 28 zopiclone! and drank pretty heavily with them - he didnt take them all at once he started at about 7pm and carried on till like 3-4am. my cat doesnt relly remember the exact details. -

    He was incredibly out of it - laying on the floor - and hallucinating massively - he saw some painters and decorators come into his flat . -

    He thought someone was out side the flat (he could see him through the keyhole....... Later on my cat found out that it was just his coat hanging up!!! -

    He could see the shadows near the window frame - and they looked like evil demonic faces sneering at him... -

    **AGE 23-26**Now we are moving on to about 23-26 – -

    My cat carried on drinking and taking various drugs (illicit and prescribed) -

    He was not very happy and he was put on anti-depressants (he was on venlafaxine - and amitryptiline) - propranolol - codeine - zopiclone -

    at about the age of 25 my addiction to alcohol manifested in a big way-

    i used to go out to the local supermarket to buy a lot of booze (after having drunk a few cans) - i just needed to drink - i had this craving constantly - i just wanted more and more. when offered somehting to drink , smoke , sniff or swallow - the answer for me -was always YES... -

    at this stage i used to consume the following: -

    6-8 cans of Beer (5%)One bottle of red wine (13%)half a bottle of whiskey/brandy/rum (35 Cl - 40%)2 or 3 zopiclone5-8 co-codamol (30mg codeine - 500mg apap) 8-12 bongs of reasonably strong hashish/weed-

    One night when he woke up - he felt terribly ill - he had drunk a large ammount - at least 6 cans and a bottle of wine - a few shots of ginHe had a terrible pain in his gut and his arms and hands - he felt very shaky - had a terrible headache - and wanted to drink some alcohol BADLY - -

    he also felt sick to his stomach , and went to the toilet and puked up violently - i think even parts of his stomach came up and went into the toilet - my cat does not remember everything.. (not surprising) then he craved alcohol badly – he actually wanted MORE after puking up loads of it you would think he had enough! but he couldn’t help it he just craved it so badly - it was a burning desire deep inside him – he just had to have more and more he didn’t know why – the addiction to alcohol had finally manifested itself and it was now taking over my cats body and dominating him in all areas without exception – physically – spiritually and emotionally he was now slave to fear –he was now a slave to fears cousin “addiction” he was slave to him self – the insidious demon called alcoholism which hides behind its own shadow had now stepped out of the darkness and grabbed him by the throat….-

    He went and found a half bottle of Gin that he had in his flat – he took it into the toilet with him. He un-screwed the bottle and downed the entire contents. After he actually did not feel any better – he wanted to puke up again – and he DID .. VIOLENTLYAfter wrenching and emptying the entire contents of his guts and then some into the toilet He stood their shaking and trembling – and he actually wanted even more to drinkHe realized he had a problem – and he was very scared indeed – for the first time in his life my cat realized the magnitude of the situation he had got him self into. -

    He knew he had to stop – he phoned his girlfriend who lived in London and ran to the shelter of her love. He drove town to her house went through a terribly pain-ful and hellish detox there. That night he was laying in bed with her – and he was shaking and shaking and shaking – he was sweating profusely – and he felt so scared that he literally wanted to jump out of his skin and bones and go to a safer place….his liver and guts were actually spasming inside him he had never been so low – he had never been in so much pain – he had never been so scared – he was in a world of pain – he was broken – he was a broken man….-

    In the end the pain went away – but it was slowly – slowly , slowly he was very depressed for a long time – every day the physical withdrawal symptoms were there and everyt day he way be sick – every day he would have terrible diarrhea – every day he sweated profusely – all of the toxins coming out of his skin…-

    But he got better , bit by bit – he spoke to the AA on the phone – and eventually – something of my former cat – came back to us – eventually he was able to function and be OK without alcohol – all it actually required THIS time was abstinence – he never went to AA meeting or anything – never even met an AA member just got advice over the phone – which was essentially “don’t pick up a drink and you will be OK” pretty god-damn obvious advice really – but funnily enough it worked. It worked that time anyway. -

    I was going to relapse another TWO times but I have ran out of time now… the best parts of my blog entry which is MY STORY are in part Two which will follow shortly-

    Im sorry if this entry is too long – im purposefully splitting it into two parts because its too long…. Will put the other entry in soon (probably tomorrow) -

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  1. G_nome
    Thanks for sharing, i'm really rather eager to read part two.
    And bloody well done on facing your demons, giving them a kicking and sending them on their way, respect.
  2. Oneiromancer
    Thanks G - nome - im working on part 2 right now :)
  3. onzero
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