The night before I left for treatment, I was scared and nervous, not knowing what it was going to be like. I'd never been to treatment before, all I knew was I needed help. Things had gotten out of hand, and I couldn't live that way anymore. I was going to the VA Hospital (Veterans Hospital) to inpatient treatment. The only thing I had to compare it to was being on the psych unit at the VA in Omaha. And that is enough to scare anyone. So when the guys at the outpatient treatment program in Lincoln told me I could smoke, have my own things, the only thing I couldn't have was my phone and my IPOD, it made it a little easier.
When I got there, from what I've heard I was in pretty bad shape, I looked strung out and spent the first few days detoxing off amphetamines. Meth, Crack, Ritalin, Provigil, and Adderall. I did my last line in the parking lot before I checked into Rehab. When I got there and saw my room, with a bed a desk and a closet, not to mention my own bathroom, tub and shower, that helped ease things a bit. They only have 4 female beds, and average 1-2 women a year. When I checked in there was another girl who was also a meth addict, and became a good friend of mine. I have her to thank for completing rehab. I was ready to walk out. By the end of 2 weeks there were 4 of us, women that is, the first time they ever had 4. At one time there were 6 from my home town, 3 alcoholics and 3 meth addicts, hmm makes you think there could be a problem where I live.
My day existed of getting up at 5:00 am (they wake you at 6 but without all the narcotics I was also taking, I started sleeping less at night). I'd go outside and enjoy the morning, the only part of the day that wasn't unbearably hot. Breakfast at 7, classes most of the day, and an AA or NA meeting every night with lights out at 10:30 pm. When I finally detoxed off everything I realized I was very angry. I started to have feelings, and I know this sounds silly, but I wasn't use to that. Most of the times I was angry, I didn't know why. I realized I had a lot of anger towards my ex-boyfriend. I couldn't it figure out, until I realized ever since we broke up I've been using even more.
I learned, from treatment, meeting people from the other treatment center in town, and AA, that it's all based on the 12 step program. Something I didn't know much about besides that my dad was active in the program. The first week I was there I learned a lot about my dad. He wasn't much for talking about stuff, so it was enlightening. I got there and didn't want to talk to anyone, or even check my email. A part of me felt like they stripped me of all ways I knew of dealing with things (addiction) and left me naked to deal with these feelings I was having, and life in general. By the time I left, I truly felt I had changed. Changed the way I felt about life, and the way I thought about things. I'm really kind of quiet and shy. I'm at a point in my life where I have to change things again. Me, my friends, my lifestyle, and even my home life.
My second weekend there I was transferred to a local pysch unit due to suicidal thoughts, a couple days there helped me realize how fragile I was, but it did me good. When I returned to treatment, I finally had an open mind, and for the first time in years actually opened up to what people were trying to teach me. It amazed me how a lot of things they teach you parallel to psychiatric treatment. The group I was with were a mixed variety of addicts and alcoholics from all over, including Colorado, Illinois, and South Dakota. Age ranged from 25 to 67. I realized I didn't want to be in my 60's and still have a problem with Meth, I could barely take it at my age. My fourth day there I was taken to the ER for chest pain, the ER Dr. told me that he was my age, and we can't take treating our bodies that way. He was right. The physical torture I went through was scary. There were times my brain felt foggy, and I'd be scared that I wouldn't come out of it. Now I realize too much stress causes my brain to want to shut down.
28 days doesn't seem long enough, I was so scared coming home. And rightfully so, as soon as I got home I started having cravings. I started justifying using. I almost lost everything I had worked for. They want me to go to a half-way house, but I don't think I can. My roommate is a big trigger to make me want to use, he needs to go. My bff, asked if I had any weed so I could hook her up, because the stuff she gets is crap, I always had the good stuff. I mean SERIOUSLY!!! First off you owe me money, and then ask if you can buy weed from me right after I get out of rehab, yeah what a great friend you are. I guess I always knew she would have to go, besides she is all about drama, and I can't have that in my life.
I need to get my number changed, evict my roommate, and clean house. My motivation, along with wanting to be clean, is taking methotrexate (chemo drug I take a low dose of once a week). I can't drink or drug while taking that med, or it makes the side effects worse, which I found out my first two weeks at treatment. Over all, it was a good experience, it was something I needed. It was rough, and things aren't easy, but you know what, neither was being fucked up all the time.
Yeah I believe in AA/NA, and in a higher power. But I know that's what I need and it's not for everyone. So don't think that just because I went to treatment I'm now a bible pushing, or AA/NA pushing kind of person. I still have a passion to help others, and lots of advice to give, but that is my private program that's about me and my recovery. I guess I'm like my dad in that way, it's not something I feel the need to discuss, unless your in the program too.
My blog, and discussions is what helps me. You can ask me anything, and I'll be honest, but I won't judge. It's good to be home, and I want to thank EVERYONE that has supported me. It never ceases to amaze me what I find here. I started out on this sight because of the wealth of information on using my drugs better, and now it's for the support in my recovery and to help others where I can. I also know if I have a relapse I can come here and be honest about it, and no one will judge me. Life is worth living for the first time in a long time!!!!
Peace be with you all!!!