It's amazing how you can feel when you decide to take part in your life again. 1 week Meth free and I didn't think I would feel the way I do today.
I spent 2 days sleeping unable to wake up and face my reality, and trying to get out of the convention I was supposed to attend with my close friend that recently passed away. I tried to get out of it, but my mom called and wasn't going to let me off the hook that easy. Overcome by anxiety, I packed, took 2 Valium and headed to Fremont. (A small town about 1hr and 45min away).
As I arrived to the PEO state convention I was overcome by the welcome I received, the condolences, and even more the joy of my mom her telling me she couldn't have done it without me. Of course I was quickly given jobs, with all the convention experience I have. My Peo Sisters really know how to take care of one another.
I feel no withdraws, I feel no anxiety, I feel at peace. Peace that I didn't let down a lot of people that were counting on me, in more than one way, especially because I did not break my deathbed promise to Imogene that I would still go to convention and have a great time in her honor. Had I have not followed through I believe my recovery would have ended.
It amazes me how many of the 300 women from across the state of Nebraska were touched by her. It may sound strange but I feel her presence which gives me strength.
With all the loss I've had this year it's time to feel and accept that "Feelings are just feelings, neither good nor bad, just feelings". Something I need to work on. I can't hide from emotions, feelings, or life anymore behind the shield of drugs.
It's time to stand strong and be the person I am meant to be and admit my problem. I realize (VERY MUCH SO) that I may feel strong today, but it's one day at a time right now. So wish me luck... as I have survived the first day of being myself again.... we'll see about tomorrow.
As a side note: I wrote this during a part of the convention I wan't too interested in, as I was driving back to my motel, where I would have 3 hours of down time till dinner, the anxiety came creeping back, after transcribing my blog and maybe a beer later, I realized everything fell into place, and the anxiety had gone away... and I hadn't even noticed