New me... Clean me!

By dot904 · Dec 28, 2015 · ·
  1. dot904
    I'm not sure if many individuals have had the opportunity to read through my forum post, but I have decided to start a blog of my own. This blog is to help me through each day's ups and downs, while, hopefully, becoming a positive influence on someone out there in cyber land. That someone who is too afraid to ask for help, but knows they need the help in order to save their life, the life that they deserve to live. I was that someone for a very long time. I watched the forums and read about other people's ups and downs for a good year before I decided to join and put my story out there for the world to read.

    Here we go:
    My addiction started a little short of 3 years ago. Before then, I only smoked the natural green and drank here and there. Rarely did I ever touch anything else. Before we get into my addiction, I want to give a little insight to the life I grew up in.
    Growing up, I had both my parents, but the family wasn't your typical TV family, not at all. My mother, god rest her soul, was a full blown opiate addict. I never knew my mother for the actual person she was. My father use to tell me that the reason he fell in love with her was because she was a kind-hearted individual who always had a joke to tell someone. She was funny, loving, and caring. Although, I did see this side of her, somewhat, growing up.. What I truly remember from my mother was drugs drugs drugs. As a family, we never celebrated a holiday were she wasn't nodding out and so forth. I can remember all my friends would talk about the fighting and yelling at my house. For a child, it's extremely embarrassing to be the girl with a drug addict mother.
    My father worked hard to support us and take care of the family. Although, with the stress of my mother's addiction, he wasn't the nicest person to deal with. My father was the provider of my mother's addiction. He was prescribed pain medicine for as long as I can remember due to his torn intestine, as well as sooo many other complications and surgeries. Once my mother got addicted to the pills, anything he got from the doctor's visits became hers, plus what ever else my father had to buy off the streets to keep her sane. Due to this, my father was always stressed and seemed to take his anger out on me and my younger brother.
    When I was 14, my mother was diagnosed with a life threatening disease. She was giving 6 months to live, but made it another 8 years. This was the hardest thing to watch as a young girl. For the last 8 years of her life, she was on full blown oxygen. For the last 3 years, she was fully bed ridden, in and out of medically assisted homes. She was 44 when she died, and she left behind two children and 2 grandchildren, one of which was still in my belly brewing. We found out 2 days after she died that the baby was another little boy, someone she would never have the opportunity to meet.
    My brother took her death a lot harder than me. My brother had never done drugs before she passed, nothing. I smoked and drank here and there, but that was it. After her death, he started messing with drugs to kill his pain. It was obvious that we both got her addictive personality. It was about 2 years later that he was incarcerated for dealing in stolen goods. This was how he funded his habit, even though he had a job that paid a lot more than most guys his age made. Unfortunately, he through it all away for drugs. I can happily say that he comes home in 9 days, clean and sober!

    Now lets get to me:
    You would think that after everything I've seen, I would refrain from ever using, I wish that was the truth, but it's not. My addiction started the day that I walked in on my (now) ex-husband in the bed with another woman on our wedding anniversary. Yep, I can't make that one up if I tried. Hopefully, no ones ever had to feel that kind of pain, but if you have, may god be with you, it does get easier over time. After that happened, I started taking the one thing that took my mother's life and my brother's freedom. How stupid can I be? Apparently really stupid because I did it. It wasn't long until it became a daily occurrence for me. My life was surrounded by pills. It was either I was high or I was trying to get pills to get high. I wasn't content unless I can those in arms reach. I started caring less about everything else and more about getting high, it was a complete disgrace.
    I got clean for the first time 12/19/2014. During my clean time, my life started to change, for the good. I could think clearly, I started to see the importance in my life again. I got back on my feet again, got a home for me and my children, bought a brand new car, got back in school to get my first graduate degree (my third college degree), and met the most amazing man ever, who is now my wonderful boyfriend.
    So can someone please tell me why the hell I started messing with them again? WHY? Yea, your answer is as good as mine. I'm currently fighting the good fight again and I'M GOING TO BE SUCCESSFUL!! I will get my life back for myself and my wonderful family.

    May god bless everyone who are currently fighting the good fight. It's not easy, but it's damn sure worth it.

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  1. JonnyBGoode
    Good for you I am doing the same thing was in rehab only 3 months ago, lasted 8 weeks clean then decided to take heroin 'one last time' and am now kicking after using every day for the last few weeks. It's not worth it, writing a blog helped me before so hopefully it will help for you too. :thumbsup:
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