The other day my Step dad who has been in my life since I was 8 came into the station where I work. I havent seen him since before Christmas. My mother either. I was very surprised to see him walk through the door. I didnt know what to say to him. I know he is very beaten down by my mothers ways as well as I am. She is a very hard woman to deal with.
My mother...who is a recovered alcoholic, and hard drug user, recovered from her alcoholism and meth, and coke, but takes so many other meds, and has a pretty deep addiction to adderall has terrible mood issues, and anger problems. And she smokes pot here and there still as well. Whatever.... Now dont get me wrong. I love my mother. But she is horribly abusive emotionally. Always has been. My biological Father really ruined her. I can remember being very little and seeing her huddled up in the fetal position on the floor by our apartment door cause she was scared that someone was going to come take us. But in that same night would bring down my brother who is a very large person (6'8") now, but when he was a teen was still taller than her. And smack the shit out of him for nothing. I would go from feeling sorry for her. To feeling you deserve this. The people she brought into this world to protect, and was scared to lose, would also be the receiver of her rage. I dont understand that one.... I guess shit just rolls down hill....
Fast forward to now... She is extremely manipulative. Crafty with words... Can make you feel stupid very quickly. Make you feel guilt, where guilt does not belong. Turn it back on you and say... "If your getting defensive, it means you know your wrong, and you cant handle the truth..." Which wasnt the case. I just was trying to protect myself against her cruel words.
We had another blow out before Christmas. This one I will take no fault for. She knows its the truth... She refused to come to family Christmas at my brothers. Says she has no daughter. She says I am a bitch. Never cared to even send a card. She texts my children trying to turn them from me. Saying, they can come visit her whenever they want. Just to call her, and not tell me. My daughter is 14, and my son is 12, I call and leave a msg on her phone telling her she cant take my children EVER without my permission. She than retaliates and says.... You know its pretty cold out, if your having a hard time paying for heat I can call social services and have them children taken from you... CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!!!! My children are so well taken care of. NOTHING like my childhood. Yet she would do that just to hurt me. To make me suffer. Saying its for their own good. She is literally crazy. We have two well capable working adults in the home. Nice clothing, games, sports... food, heat, and shelter. She would lie to make me suffer. I swear she wants a reaction that is all... something to make her feel alive when she is so dead inside. And of course, I oblige, with my own spew of horrible things....telling her if anyone is going into a home its going to be her. Cause obviously she needs to be committed...... Am I just turning out to be her??? playing her games? Is she winning against me by getting a reaction? I do love my mother. I wish we could be close. Normal. We have had so much fun together at times. Why does she insist on making my choices in life. Im an adult. Yet when i say No, I am not going to do that she will threaten me with stuff.
I miss my mom.... My step-dad was happy to see me. Gave me a hug. Told me I was looking too thin. He had a tear in his eye. I love him very much. I really do. I relate to him so much. We both are brought down by spouses that suck your very will to live. You start out a soft spoken, loving, caring person.... and years of listening to vile you become a beast. A beast of horrible words, angry, and vindictive. You wonder where YOU went. Where that person you were before is. Is it still in there somewhere? And can you get it back? Or is the damage there forever....and your destined for a stagnant, unfulfilled life... I dont think so..
For me, I am leaving. I am moving on. Im welcoming the changes. Im scared, but excited. I feel hope once again. I wont be my mother. I wont also be that person that takes everyones shit. And I will regain the person I once was by moving away. I think it will take time like everything else. And new struggle seems so much easier than struggles I have had time and time again.
My thought for the day is HOPE.
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