please note that this is a story told to me by my deceased bunny lulu
So basically today is day 6 for me. I'm actually feeling quite okay right now, I had a good day but I've been feeling sick lately. I haven't been getting much good sleep... i only slept for 3 hours in the last 24 hours and that was interrupted sleep. So I'm a little off. It's almost 2am my time and sleep still seems like a distant fairy tale that won't ever come.
I convinced my mom to give me some of her xanax because my anxiety has been so bad. It's just hard because I want my Dr to prescribe it to me, I've had anxiety since I was like 9 years old but since I was addicted to opiates I know she's not game for that... at least not now, even though I used to be prescribed klonopins. LAMEEEESAUCE.
I'm just happy that I'm completely honest with my mother now. Like about my addictions and she's always known about my anxiety... it runs in the family. I just feel bad for taking some of hers but daaaamn on her bottle it says to take 3 times a day as needed. That's pretty bad, and makes me wonder if I'll be like that when I get older. I mean I can't describe to you the anxious and paranoid tendencies she's been showing within the past year... and I feel like age only makes it worse. Which makes me feel bad for copping some of her meds.
But fuck it. I can't sleep even when I take 2 of those. I need bars dammit! lol
I am just glad that she did give me some even though she said it'd be the last time just because it really helps me right now to feel somewhat normal. As normal as I can feel right now.
I'm just happy that I don't have to worry about oxy. Like I don't have to worry about withdrawing I don't have to worry about getting it, I don't have to worry about having enough money to get it. All I need to worry about is paying off my debts and making sure I'm happy.
I'm just trying to put my life back together. Through some peoples eyes they would think that I wasn't too bad. I mean I'm lucky that I have my parents who still take care of me, and I always kept my job throughout all of this chaos. But if you were me, and you dealt with just the personal things that I've felt, realized and thought... you'd be amazed at how low I've been. I mean, I've been to the bottom. Waking up withdrawing and just wanting to die. Waiting on your guy to come through. Fuck that life. I'm not gonna be a slave to a little itty bitty pill. I'm just glad that I haven't gotten any worse or any lower than I've already been. I know too many people who have died because of this shit and I know too many people who are on their way.
Yesterday I saw my therapist and it was really good. I love her, even though she won't prescribe me the benzos. She just knows me so well. She's someone I look up to, and is the perfect doctor for me. I think anyone who is struggling with mental illness or is going to counseling for drug rehab needs to have someone that they like. That person needs to be someone that you want to make proud and she even calls herself my cheerleader It's amazing what having someone who has faith in you can do for your well being.
Also I've been attending yoga. It's starting to become an obsession to me again. I've always loved yoga but again, drugs got in the way of that... so it's nice that I'm getting my whole life back. And then some. But I'm still figuring out things about myself and still feeling restless. It'll pass... I just can't wait for it to. Today is a new day and I am ready for some sunshine... I need sleep.
Best wishes to all of you
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