One, (two), three, four, five

By afriendoftina · Sep 6, 2016 · ·
  1. afriendoftina

    It's racking up now but I'm still keeping track,
    They're all even numbered; there's no going back.

    Each time particular, each one has its twist,
    Some worse than others on the ill-fated list.

    With each passing tale, it's hoped that I find,
    Some kind of solace from numbness inside.

    You see there are no feelings, no anger to hide,
    The blood never boiled, the eyes never cried.

    Maybe this poem will spark a feeling in me,
    Lets start with the first one and then we'll soon see.


    The snippets and flashes are vivid through haze,
    Nineteen years old when ONE laid his cold gaze.

    ONE had a friend, guess that he's called (TWO),
    Not sure which one to blame, not even a clue.

    Left in a bar - such an irresponsible friend,
    One drink, one spike and that was the end.

    Blood on the sofa, seen while scrambling out,
    Unmistakeable pain of that there's no doubt.


    This one was different, I knew and trusted THREE,
    THREE was my boyfriend, I thought he cared for me.

    But when the pleas are ignored, saying stop becomes thrill,
    My defences were weaker, I should have stayed still.

    But I rallied against him, writhing with all of my might,
    My attempts are so futile, he's pinned me too tight.

    For him, it's a game - he pretends it's all just a ruse,
    But I'm beaten and shaken, my wrists start to bruise.


    I blame myself for this one, I was reckless you see,
    But reeling from trauma, my drug habit consumed me.

    He'd been rejected by me, how dare I do that?
    Well that wouldn't stop him, G knocked me out flat.

    I'd been carried and hidden, as limp as could be,
    But his actions had been rumbled unbeknownst to me.

    He said sorry after, I guess that makes it okay,
    I accepted his apology that very same day.


    Dumped by my boyfriend, I was hurting inside,
    A foolish decision led to violation number FIVE.

    I went to York to be consoled by a 'friend',
    I was vulnerable, distressed - on that he'd depend.

    Or better yet still, G would ensure his success,
    I can't fight him off if I'm not aware of duress.

    This time, I woke mid-way when he began to smother me,
    I kicked, I screamed and wrenched myself free.


    ONE and (TWO), THREE, FOUR and FIVE,
    Frankly, I wonder just quite how I'm alive.

    I should feel emotion, I should feel distraught,
    The numbness I feel, in nonchalance I'm caught.

    Why can't I respond? Why don't I feel hate?
    I guess that part of me died, a little too late.


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  1. mastermind22
    Jesus christ that was amazingly worded. I'd honestly give you a hug right now if I knew you personally (and it didn't bother you). Don't have the same experiences but I felt a lot of this poem. The flashes in the haze, the numbness inside whatever the cause. But I'm not much good, I haven't been in similar situations, I suck with words and I'm a mess.... So I hope someone who has lived what you've lived can comment and start having real conversations. I hope you find a source of feeling. If I hadn't found mine I'm sure I may not have lasted. I'm not even sure what happened I'll just say amphetamine (5 days) + pcp + lsd + heroin + xanax + soma + liquor. I psychologically collapsed under the realizations that happened during & after that trip, collapsed under the landing after I blasted past the atmosphere. I just broke and still I'm on my knees picking up the pieces. The dam that I thought was permanent and everlasting just gave and the emotions flowed. They come and go but I can't go back to how it was. What I'm saying is you can find feeling in really unexpected weird places keep that in mind. Of course our feelings and reasons for being numb are vastly different.

    The numbness really isn't going to get you anywhere good I'll tell you that much - not in any position to be lecturing you (not trying to) but I can't imagine anyone living like that for a lifetime. Nothing positive ever came of my numbness and after six years of it I'm an 18yo who barely knows who I am and never cared about myself or others just feeding the habit. Feel free to message me if you ever need something I'll never bullshit you and I try my best to be of help. Hope your poem helps you it amazed me.
  2. Count Quagula
    Well done. Read smoothly and on point!
  3. afriendoftina
    Wow guys, thanks.

    I actually barely remember posting this - I wouldn't usually be so candid but I'm glad I did (even if this version is slightly toned down).

    Thanks so much for reading and commenting - the feeling that you're not just shouting into empty space is thrilling.

    Made my day...A.F.O.TINA xoxo
  4. Cwb20022
    Some members know this already. And I'm happy to say i rarely think about it anymore. But when i was 16 i was rapped and held hostage at knifepoint by my very first boyfriend.

    I wish i was high but sadly i wasn't. The reason for the attack was because i told a friend about us and our relationship. I know it's a huge reason i work so hard to remain in the closet. And it brought on terrible depression and ptsd.

    It was an awful night of terror and threats. Being beat and fucked with a pool table cue. Honestly the worst night of my life. He was my first love and also my worst. It plagued me for years and years. Im glad i rarely think about it anymore.

    I never pressed charges. To in the closet to. Then about 2-3 years later a detective called me asking about the incident. Appearently he did it to another boyfriend. Oddly enough a young white kid named Chris. But at gunpoint and for 3 days.

    They wanted me to testify. I didn't. Being closeted i couldn't. He ended up having most charges dropped. And did about a year in prison. He deserved much more and probably would have had i spoken up. I feel terrible about that.

    Noone deserves to be abused in anyway. Whether sexual physical or mentally. But with rape its all 3. I still can recall every detail. The date. The entire day and how good it was until i told him i told a friend. ( although he told his entire family about me. Without me knowing. I met his mom as his boyfriend.)

    I remember every detail from what we were wearing to every act. My primal thoughts of biting his dick off as he forced it in my mouth. To him putting all sorts of random items inside me.

    It was the worst experience of my life. And i thought i was gonna die that night.

    So i totally understand how you feel tina. You really need to stop doing drugs and having sex. Things are garunteed to go bad. I hope you stay careful. Your way to cute and smart to have this happen to you multiple times. And it seems like drugs were involved everytime

    But always know you have someone that can relate to your body being violated and beat. I wish i never met him. But i did. And he was my first love. Which made it so much more psychological.

    Even though im taking a little break. Dont be shy if you need to talk.

    Peace man.

  5. catherinejoy
    This is so powerful. I really hope you see that you sharing this is such a huge positive step for you and your healing. You are truly an epic soul, your posts and your blogs are inspiring, honest and heartfelt. One day you will meet someone who will bring peace, not chaos, love, not tears, support, not disrespect and who will help instil the trust and comfort that you deserve. Until then, be so kind to yourself, love yourself and your beauty and your flaws and above all know that you are not alone, and you are doing something pretty amazing in this very moment.
    Sending huge hugs from oz and please msg me or call me or send word via carrier pigeon or man on horseback if you need a vent. :vibes:
    Thanks for sharing this xxxxxx
  6. Once.up.on.a.time
    Wow just amazing sweetheart. I wish I could kill every person who hurt your amazing beautiful soul. Bastards. They will get what they deserve in the end xxxx
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