"Did I ask too much/ More than a lot/ You gave me nothing/ Now it's all I got/ We're one, but we're not the same/ Well we hurt each other/ Then we do it again." (U2)
I shake my head and laugh to myself every time I see a posting on the forum that says, "I tried meth. I'm not addicted." "What's the big deal about meth?" My initial reaction is to respond and start warning them about the dangers of meth. I want to instill fear in them by telling them how meth ruins lives!! I want to save them. And just as I am about to respond, I re-read it; then I change my mind. No one is asking to be saved.
Of course, I'm probably just projecting. I'm projecting my own insecurities off on someone else. Yeah.. I tend to do that a lot...
It's almost 2am and I'm wide awake. I'm cleaning my room "looking" for "something". I really was looking for something, but then I decided that I should just clean my room. It's a ridiculous task to embark upon at nearly 2am... "tweaker tendencies" for sure... only, I'm dead sober. I have been for almost a week and a half now. Cravings?? Well, surprisingly, even to me, they haven't been that bad.. till tonight.
Four hours ago, I was on the floor with my flashlight. Yup! I was "her". I was "that girl"; burning pieces of carpet hoping for just one...[One fucking measly bit!!] A few days before I had gotten into a fight with a friend, who left a message on my phone calling me a "dope fiend" among other colorful adjectives. I reasoned to myself that he was clearly pissed and just said it to hurt me. It did hurt. But I disagreed with it. I didn't call him on it, or reply back pointing out his own faults and addictions. I just figured that person no longer has a part in my life and I let him go. Still, I didn't know why those words bothered me so much, even though I didn't identify with them. Every so often the words would pop up in my head, and it amused me more than it angered me. I heard when you are engaged in debate, the objective is to NOT prove the other party wrong, but to lay out facts designed to effectively suggest your interests are correct... I was never good at debate.
I don't even want to think about what I inhaled tonight! I can make jokes now. It's what I do best. And I understand why those words hurt so much. It doesn't matter if I "identify" with them or not, our actions speak louder than words...
In just a few hours, I have to be up and ready to face life. My new life. My life without drugs. To be honest, it kinda sucks. Sometimes it's too much; too overwhelming...just like trying to clean a room at 2 am...
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