I've never wrote a blog, but I'm detoxing and having a rough time, so maybe this could offer some distraction, or an embarrassing read in the future.
I've been a drug user since I was 12, I'm now 31 and this really bothers me! It started much ealier than 12, an older friend would go on and on about how amazing weed was or the weekend and the E tabs she'd consumed, I was 9 and fascinated with drugs from her stories, however I had no access apart from my dads weed I knew were it was hidden, I didn't try it until I was 12 and found it just didn't agree with me, infact it made me sick instantly (still does) but all my friends smoked it daily.
I found alcohol to be much better! I was living in Northern England (Manchester burnage) same streets as oasis, my claim to fame, though I had been bought up with good morals by my parents, in Manchester thieving was almost considered normal, least in my area, so my first drink was a theived bottle of wine from kiwk save, which was later burnt down, typical Manchester. The wine was 12.5% I didn't know how much I needed, so me and a friend shared the bottle, him being much smaller than myself got pissed very quickly, I thought he was just acting drunk, so decided to remove ourselves from my home, as soon as I stepped out side my house I felt amazing I was... Drunk! I'd never felt so good, I knew this is how I always wanted to feel, so every single weekend we'd find a way to get alcohol, I never tired of it, I wanted more and more and of course had to take it to far.
14 we moved from Manchester, my parents had enough of the crime, their kids being in danger, most notably me being attacked by a gang then not long after broken nose from a grown man, me being 13... Just so much happened that looking back it made sense to move, I however was finally doing well in school for a change, had a gf(first love) and seemingly great friends, I was the quiet kid but became popular by selling weed, life apart from being attacked was good for me. The issue we moved to Plymouth, this was a 280 mile drive from my home, my family, friends and then now ex, to say I wasn't impressed was an understatement, I was really upset that I had been moved against my will during what I deemed the most important thing in the world to me at the time GCSEs how little I care about them now! I don't think I was believed as I shown no appetite for school before, but I was predicted high grades and this did excite me, as my brother was meant to be the smart one(he is). Well I passed with C's for the lessons I bothered to turn up for and one B in geography that must have been studying maps on how to get "home" hehe.
Oddly I found it much easier to find drugs in Plymouth than I did Manchester, but alcohol went from weekend to every other day, even turned up for a class drunk, people thought I was just unwell. I moved out as soon as I possibly could at 17 after a failed attempt at moving to Manchester at 16, it's amazing how 3 years away you can change! I found MDMA on day one moving to a house share back in plymouth and instantly I didn't drink for another year not a single pint. I'll remember the first day, my mum drove me to the house share, "Ste, don't do drugs, promise me, there's loads round here" I looked at her as if to say "yeah right as if I would" that night I was at a dealers with my new house mate collecting pills, I feel so guilty writing that. I remeber thinking "I'm only 17, is this a good idea, what if it kills me" this was 2002 MDMA wasn't too bad, though I'm sure not as great as the 90s manc scene I was too young for.
MDMA was the anti depressent I was looking for, I oddly never got come downs, I would be fascinated by people who did and why they got so annoyed once it wore off, I found it relaxed me oddly, I took just the one tablet my first time and many after until I dared myself to do two"double drop" that felt much better and over a year it escalated, I took as much as I could as often, doing a data entry job that paid well for what it was and 17 years old paying tiny amounts of rent, I had too much disposable income, yes this is possible.
The issue with me, I didn't want to be around people, I still steuggle with this today, but I use to pretend to take my pills with my "chav" house mates, I was caught once and sneekly quickly took it and they agreed it just took a while to hit me, already observing how minipulation I can be huh? I wanted to wait till everyone fucked off so I could take it be by myself and relax, lay in bed and watch tv while buzzing, it was becoming a nightly thing, I was working nights at the time at data entry, I said I was 18 in work and somehow was allowed nights until much later when they sound out I was only 17 and put me on days for much less pay and much more work, I hated this, already suffering depression it just escalated my pill use, I use to go parents on the weekend to escape house mates and take my pills in peace, my mum did my washing for me, which looking back is terrible! I'm 31 and detoxing at the mo and she has done my washing for me, looking after me with food while working and studying so hard, guilt being my theme. Side tracked, I was 17 visiting my parents house with 50 E tabs on me bought and taken Friday by Sunday I had 13 left, but just wasn't buzzing, worse, I felt normal which meant depression and bordom. I obviously took too many of these crap pills "euros double barrled" over 3 days without sleeping a single wink, I started hearing voices and seeing things, Marilyn Manson poster moving, thanks bro, was his poster, mist in my room and voices in the attic, I was so naive, I guess I can still be, but I didn't drug research ever, Internet use back then was minimal apart from msn messenger. Long story short, I thought the house had two robbers in and we was being robbed called the police and they took one look at me and knew, my pupils were like huge discs kinda obvious, plus their was money on the counter.. The voices and visuals for worse and worse but I didn't trust anyone to tell them what I saw or seen, I'll save myself that embarrassment here.
So 13 pills were disposed of me by my mum, I promised not to take anymore and quickly quit my job and moved out, much to my sponge house mates displeasure, back to my parents, this was difficult even with having cool parents, it's still THEIR home and once you get a taste of your own place it's difficult, I'm sure having their eldest home while their two youngest were gone wasn't so fun for them either! Pills scared me after my last experience but I did take them 2-3 times more, but it was back to alcohol, yet noticed I was getting serve pain one day before Feb 2003 from fizzy drinks, this wasn't the pain you pop a paractomal for, this was full blown incredible pain, we later found out 3 years later! That it was my kidney, damn kidneys, stupid important life saving organs! I'd just met my first and I guess only real love that I can say I was IN love with, "Birdy" not her real name, we'd talk 8 hours a day nearly every single day for months and months and kinda one day it clicked to me I liked her, typical boy huh? She wasn't my typical type when I first saw her thought she was just avg looking, later went on to fall madly in love with her personality and looks, taught me not to be shallow, she taught me many things really, she looked after me when I was really poorly, I had a serve pain condition which was worsen by eating and liquids(water) for 2.5 years undiagnosed in hospital almost weekly, GP weekly with "it's in your head" I lived on codiene every single day for 3 years, while this helped slightly I was still so low, I thought this was my life, bed ridden in agoney for good, so while on going hospital investigation was on going I planned to kill myself by carbon monoxide poisoning to escape the pain and depression, woah deep haha, it give me a sense of relief that the 3 years of agoney would be soon over, I humoured the hospital with the constant MRI scans until one day "oh your kidney doesn't look right" somehow they missed a blindly obvious issue for 3 full years, they was so determined it was in my head. I was treated like royalty then, had a piss bag in place directly from my kidney as it was close to tearing, I was told women who had labour said the kidney issue was worse, I'd gone 18 to 21 with it, I'm still not mentally recovered, but I did have an op and it resolved the issue and I have no symptoms on that kidney, they give me sweet lady morphine, oddly I preferred the itchy feeling from codiene than feeling heavy on morphine, hell I'd take em both though at the time.
Birdy did everything for me, I was codependant on her, I was so use her doing everything it felt like I didn't have the confidence to do anything, she worked nights and I couldn't sleep without her next to me, sad huh? So I would sneak alcohol when she worked, and hide the tins in the outside bin, need to hide the evidence, I was still low, drink made me mean, and I'm ashamed to say I treated Birdy terribly, insults calling her dumb, fat(she was stick thin as she refused to eat because I did..) crazy behaviour and we finally broke up, I instigated it and moved back home, a 1-2 months I was begging for her back, she'd moved on by then and to be honest this was a great thing, but I was broken and didn't see the greatness, I finally went on anti depressents and a back to work scheme, something clicked, I wasn't over bird, but I felt determined and finally dared myself to try for a change career wise, so somehow with no exp other than developing computer games in my bed room, I got a software dev role, the issue, it was back "home" near manc, a lil place called wilmslow, a place where people who aren't use to money end up, vanity plates on their expensive sport cars, just yuk.
So I'm isolated. Old friends aren't there and to be honest I didn't wanna know them anymore. I focused on learning and trying at this apparent dream chance I was gifted, I was still drinking almost daily 21-24 when my other kidney went, as did my little sisters, it's a herredatory issue but sure drugs/beer didn't help. I was told it wouldn't when I expressed fear many years back, but what can you expect from a doc who got it wrong for 3 years. So one year in I'm with a new girl my own expensive as hell tony shoebox in up yourself wilmslow, I didn't feel I did well at my job but they kept me on 4 years including a big pay rise, however I lacked confidence and this shown, I just felt I was going to be fired every week, that my code, apperence, and speech really suffered as a result, I honestly thought I had a stammer or speech issue! But I'm really fluent and clear now, it wasn't the best environment in that job, you needed a thick skin which I guess I didn't have at the time, the lads were lad lads, tits arse phoooarrr... While I do appreciate women, I just don't oggle them like a horny dog, I didn't fit in, I liked one work friend he introduced me into some amazing horror films!
The stress of worrying about losing my job, being isolated and HATING the north of England and it's weather haha, it worsen my kidney pain so no drinking for me, but back on codiene and tramadols this time, I preferred tramadols, they had mood lifting. It just seemed my whole life drugs were my constant my savour, I'd never experienced physical dependence, but believe I was mentally addicted to MDMA when I was 17.
So I'm noticing I can take 3 codienes and this let me get to work, wow it's so much easier to code and talk, boss has a word "your confidence is too low, sometimes it's fine but other days it's terrible" makes comments on my bad apperence etc which I've always suffered with self image. So I take more and more but never crazy amounts.
This is when I started using the Internet to research drugs heavily, legal highs were becoming a big thing 2010 I'd tried some spice but that made me sick like weed in the past, and I'd tried salvia when I was younger and had a pleasant trip, but I became a legal high tester, what was the harm its all safe, it must be right? It's legal... Haha so naive. I was lucky I didn't have any serious issues, I enjoyed methadrone the most but not as much as MDMA, but it held me, fortunately I caught it just before it was banned and nothing ever lived up to it since legal wise. With the kidney pain worsening as well as work load and stress I found KRATOM, urgh I hate kratom.
So this little "innocent" weak plant that's meant to be on par with a lil caffine addiction ruined me! I tried the leaf and noticed it did help pain which was why I first started to take it, took it often and noticed it also give an opioid like buzz but weakly, tolerence goes up but I haven't stopped taking it daily to know if it's physical dependence, I found a local headshop and got to know the owner who did me a deal on 50x Bali 3G 10 packs for £100 which seems expensive but they was £25 a pop, and sometimes he'd throw in 2 more packs, when I first tried this 50x kratom I couldn't believe it was even legal, it didn't just take my pain away better than morphine codiene tramadol it also got me stupidly high, sooo itchy, a little stimulating, but I always find opiates/opioids stimulating, yes weird I know.
It made me want to work, I can't say it improved my performance only motivation, I managed to work 45 hours coding a new language while ALSO going home to learn a new language making a game for the xbox360 in c#.
Months passed maybe 2-3 , while I was visiting my gf in Sheffield which was a distance from wilmslow and I didn't drive, I took a little kratom and ran out and noticed I was getting seriously sick, watery eyes, yawning chills followed by heat all night, the runs, so I thought if have to go home early which I did (that caused an argument..) got home and instantly took kratom as pain relief and noticed it took EVERY symptom away, even watery eyes which didn't click was withdrawal, so next day was work and I went in without kratom and once again these horrible symptoms continue to become unbearable until I dismiss myself early, head to the headshop get my batch and bang I'm fine again, enough to go back to work, it hit me "omg it's kratom I'm addicted!" I wasn't to bothered I figured I'd just stop, it's only caffine like withdrawal for a day or two? Hahaha nope!!
I told my gf at the time instantly and that I can't go hers and don't want her with me while I do a weekend detox, me and her were toxic together, she filled a tiny part of the huge hole Birdy left, but unlike Birdy I knew she'd just make it worse. I download Disney films, I have 4 codiene tabs 30mg just incase and I also have packets of kratom left over, I think it's going to be a lil difficult as I had a taster but never was I prepared to how serve the pain of wds were, I later withdrawn from methadone and that was easier from 25ml jump, maybe my body chemistry, mental state or fuck knows made the kratom extract impossible for me to escape, but only 18 hours I'd saw a demon walking around my room, I was jerking my limbs everywhere crying and thinking sucidal thoughts, stabbed my restless legs to divert the pain for temp relief, codiene tabs barely touched it, Disney films didn't help either who would have known haha.
I ring my then gf crying saying how bad it is and she advises me not to kill myself and kratom is a better option than death. So I'm stuck on kratom for months and finally they run out of the extract, I panic and try normal leaf which does NOTHING I try other extracts, nothing works, nothing at all, the brand I was taking Apperently got done for having illegal substances in, however I can't be sure that my packets had those substances in.
Finally half a year into addiction, I go doctors, of course he's never heard of kratom and needs to research and of course everyone goes on and on about how kratom isn't that addictive, yet I've found countless threads where people cannot escape this drug, I'm refered to a drug worker and she's clueless about drugs, all drugs but anyway!
I'm sent to a detox clinic for a week in Manchester, and told not to mention kratom, obviously we didn't need H addicts and alcoholics hearing of kratom haha, I last 18 hours again the drugs they give me did NOTHING I couldn't believe it, I was close to home so took a taxi back home to kratom crumbs I found urgh.
My drug doc reluctantly puts me on methadone and was surprised how much I needed to "hold me" it never lasted the full 24 hours though! He said it would kill a normal person and was then fascinated by kratom, and oddly me, a young lad who was a professional taking this obscure unknown drug and showing serve opiate like wds, I'm so lucky he believed me, it's kinda hard not to when someone is shaking sweating and shitting themselves?
So after codiene 3 years, tramadol, morphine in decent doses, I get put on methadone for kratom of all things! However it was a life saver, it saved me money, I didn't have to worry about the guy at the headshop taking a day off (he did this often and I'd suffer a night for it) I quickly got my methadone down to 25ml and rapid detox was mentioned but 80 miles away amongst scousers, now manchester and Liverpool has some odd rival thing going on, but I seemed to get by buy lying that I'm from cheshire and we just sound like mancs haha, a bald guy theived my shampoo, seriously?! I manage one week into the detox reducing my methadone down, but we had group therapy every fucking day and I felt patronised "now what will you say when offered? Anyone?, that's right just say no" I didn't have drug users around me where I lived, it was ME and only me that seeked, never offered.
So I've left detox a week early thinking I'm too ill and I need to be well for work next week so I'll just cold turkey... Just. I went to my then gf house in Sheffield, she was just awful! To be honest we was just incompatible, but I had no one else which sadly kept me from dumping her, soo no sleep for a full week, the hell never ends on the methadone, it's much more manageable than my kratom detox attempt I manage 8 days since my lower dose of methadone and I have work in 2 days, I learn there is no way I'm gonna be able to go in the state I was, so bought otc meds nurphen plus and co codamol, shouldn't have the last one as it made me sick I was taking 5 with nurphen plus 5-10 just to feel only a little wds which is too much when you need 100% mental capacity in work.
I go docs with my pain kidneys which after methadone detox went from bad to incredible pain and he had to give me tramadols, I learn you can buy them online and here comes my tramadol addiction period so I'm loving tramadol at crazy doses, but my gf is worried as Apperently I'm jerking violently in bed and at times unresponsive, I get my op finally and it works for a good month but I'm still using during this time, then I'm in pain again this has been the case since I was 26 I have ops and I get scar tissue and kidney blocks I get pain and it furthers my excuse for pain meds.
I find a good source for poppy pods, after a failed seed attempt, tastes like ball bag sweat I'd imagine, I bought a grinder for my HUGE 2kg boxes of pod heads, this saved me the hassle of going docs often for scripts during work, it also was a lil cheaper than tramadol online and offered a longer duration which meant I drank my disgusting drink in the morning and was fine for work, I use to sneak off to the bathroom to dose various drugs and hated that, thought it looked obvious as I'm taking in a cup with me...
The pods never got me crazy high and I managed to just use the same amount for a long time, however being seasonal meant matey was running low on supply, it also smelt my room out a little. So back to tramadols codiene,morphine which my doc even knowing of my past addiction (not current) prescribed me, all this just to stay in a job I started to seriously resent.
3 years into my addiction and health issues my boss calls me in "now that your so ill, your not in the place we need you, you have a job waiting in 6 months" I felt mixed emotions, half of me was so relieved as I really really hated the job in the end I written out my leaving letter and accidently left it on my desk, wooops.
So I moved back down to Plymouth with a new found love for Devon, it's a beautiful place, next to the sea with some of the best countryside and beeches in the uk, after up yourself wilmslow and the Boss put downs, it just felt amazing to be away from it. I was giving quite a big payout which I didn't even thank him for.
I moved in with an old friend who needed the money in a mini room but I travel light so no issue for me, PC internet connection and I'm good, didn't even need a bed, but one was bought. The only issue was "you can only stay here if you don't bring drugs into my house" shit that was bad and I really respect and care for this friend, so I did a detox.
I managed to wien tramadols down to just 8 X 50mg a day which is max prescribed dose however I was taking them all at once, it wasn't too bad compared to methadone withdrawal, two weeks past very slowly, I'm a natural insomniac, I was just so greatful not to have RLS, this is by far the worst symptom for me followed by a burning sensation on my skin like serve sunburn and anything that touches it feels like a cheese greator infact that's how it feels as I'm writing this. I fell in love with a black cat (friend had four cats) he seemed to just take to me and really knew when to leave me all own and when I needed company, it was eerie! He's still my baby years on. I was also talking to my ex after we split as I moved 280 miles away, that seemed to help a little, watching films together , trying to press the play button at the excate same time so it was almost like watching the film together while on headset, it worked well and I appricated that, in 4 years I can say that's the only time she ever helped me and I'm greatful .
2 weeks of wds with no sleep, and time going almost backwards felt like 5 weeks and while I got well done from friends, I just needed a break just a tiny little bit, so I bought some nurphen plus which only has 12.5 mg codiene in and I'd been on codiene for 3 years without issue, well nurphen plus set me back and I was getting worse wds, so I went to the docs who didn't know me, and being an expert now at scamming pills, I gave a pee sample with blood, which was normal for me, and was honest about having pain as I really did however I wasn't there to help the awful kidney pain I was there to kill wds, because I had got my tolerence down 8 tramadols a day was alright, 3 in the morning etc nothing to heavy, until it escalated as it always will with me. I'm borrowing money now from lending sites as I'm on benefits, I'm not able to work due to kidney pain, sitting still is difficult and I need to lay down often and avoid food and water sometimes when it's really bad, then a new law comes into place where they couldn't lend to me as I had no job and couldn't prove i had one, I had to borrow money from my dad and he and my mum thought I owed drug dealers haha I just needed it to buy trams Of internet pharmacies. So I lie and say I'm getting off, sort my finance out and manage to cut back to the trams from the docs with a few days here and there wds.
I met a really pretty girl and we had a great time, she was upset I didn't stay the night and I promised it wasn't personal, I see a beggar and I felt sick I said could you sort me out, I'll give you a 10er and that's how I found heroin, it's odd people always wince when they hear heroin, I use to myself but now I laugh at people's reactions, I just remembering being kinda underwhelmed, i didn't see the pretty lass again, but I did see heroin a few more times, who needs sex when you have opiates?
I hated waiting on dealers and I never ever got the number of one, the lad that got it for me refused, clearly he got money from me for his drugs and looking back thank god! His greed saved me having direct contact with dealers, the hassle of one dealer is fucking boring seriously time is something I value, much more than money AND then I'd have that bell end asking me for money for getting it me hahaha!!
The brown was underwhelming for the hassle and price, each time it was different and I felt ripped off, street heroin has such tiny traces that I seriously got better results for my fave drug, which leads me to DHC better known as dihydrocodiene, I loved the buzz when younger of codiene but very short lived and limited, but DHC it actually helped the pain, my moods and my body chemistry clearly loved it, I didn't need much to hold me either, having no ceiling effect(confirm?) I could go higher and higher.
So I run out I have exhausted the supply from my doctor, told him trams and codeine give me headaches, so I could get DHC. online pharmacies wanted double what I could reasonably pay and with no lenders possible, I couldn't ask me parents or friends, I felt bad enough, so I scored more heroin this time I had needles critirus etc I wanted to shoot it, I'm a total needle wimp! I've had hundreds, seriously hundreds because of illness, I'm okay if I simply don't look, but this isn't an option self administrating. I've cooked the heroin after much research with harm prevention, I've smoked it from foil quite a few times now and it just doesn't touch my wds, the needle manages to break my skin I'm tapping it into my HUGE fat arm vine which seems impossible to miss, but I just can't do it, I'm feeling so sick and my left arm won't push down hard enough to enter the vien, so I push the plunger to skin pop.... OUCH!!! It hurt so bad, I had a swollen ball on my vien and started to panic, yet all I could think about "what know? I'm gonna be sick soon" I do the next best thing, I plug the herion gross I know, but it was the best absorption method I could think about, it was all in vane though, I went through horrible withdrawal.
Maybe I'm lucky I can't shoot up? I'm a loner and don't hang with H users I'm sure my family and friends wouldn't have helped me out there haha that was it for me, heroin was just too weak where I lived clearly, I could take 10-15 DHC and feel normal, was less hassle but just as expensive.
I've been on benefits for a while by the time and they admit to underpaying me, by quite a lot, having paid thousands in tax and being let down by hospitals the police when I was attacked etc I was now entitled to a lot more for being really poorly, I had a big back payment, this just allowed me a crazy habbit, I moved out from my friends as she wanted to live alone p, I was only meant to be there one year while she paid of debts, but ended up 2.5 years so it wasn't an issue, everywhere I looked it had strictly no dss (no one on benefits) so I applied anyway and just provided a cover letter, and everyone got back to me to offer me a place even thought I was dss, it was really flattering. So I moved to a place next to where I first moved at 17 MDMA love hole. It's not cheap but with the extra money it was really the cheapest place I could find, I figure I'd go drug centre in plym own up to the doc which meant no more scripts, I was put on bupe and because I was a pill user and not a H addict, I think I was classed as low risk? 8mg bupe held me and found it did better than methadone, first dose I just felt slightly sedated but okay the next day which all I cared about, when I was on methadone, they'd give me the bottle and I'd go away, once again I was trusted way to soon, but this time I had to stand there like a child while they made certain it melted under my tongue, I really struggled with this, I hate being patronised, but thankfully I was quickly put on to pick ups and demonstrated quick ability and determination wiening down the bupe, I'd have some spare to give away to ppl who needed it way more than me.
My sister has a baby my first niece, I'm at 2mg and decide I don't wanna be a junkie uncle, so stop my script and switch to DHC at a tiny dose that held me with every intention of weining down and jumping off, I'd rather jump from a short acting opiod than long arse bupe/methadone, anyway with my crippling depression the DHC habbit just increased.
I meet a girl after three years promising myself to stay single, the last ex was just so toxic for me, I had bad luck with the women friends I meet wanting to be more after I'd been brutally honest about never wanting a relationship. Women really love a project don't they? A broken man to fix..
This one is really lovely and am over exes Birdy had come and gone as a friend during my relationship and seeing her as a friend made me move on, I felt ready in a way for this one, my DHC wasn't too high, I wasn't showing that I was on drugs and I hid it from her, which I normally don't do with new friends, I'd rather just be brutally honest. I also didn't tel her about my kidney hurting me, I'd constantly pretend I was not in pain, just tired so need a lay down but it got harder and I just admitted my kidney pain is crazy and I can't work because of it and am on benefits.
Here my drug use went from damaging my health a little, hurting relationships, killing motivation to putting my life in danger, I'd never feared drugs killing me, as I studied sooooo much about dosing and being careful but addiction overrides logic, no matter how much you think you know addiction doesn't care, least mine didn't, I started taking hand fulls learning how to open my throat so it was quicker to get more down me, I'd loose count, or forget I took a big dose so take another, ended up panicked in hospital a few times. Worried friends by going pale and struggling to breathe during sleep, looking a right mess.
I confronted my gf about it "I've got some news and you have every right to dump me, infact your probably going to" she thought it was that I cheated which was laughable, sex was the last thing on my mind! I told her I'm addicted to the pain meds, she was like "phew it's not as bad as I thought" I knew that she didn't understand how bad it was and how long it's been going on 6 years at the time addicted to opiates every single fucking day and how it controlled my life from not going out because of no money to having no sex drive, I lied when we met and said I just have low desire, which is honestly fine as we have such a healthy relationship, for the first time I can talk openly and honest with a girl and them not take it personal or hold things against me, she will say when she's hurt by something I've said and done which allows me to either change or compromise, it's fantastic.
She learns just how bad this addiction truely is and stand by me, but gets very paranoid that I'm gonna die, if I didn't text back quick enough it would worry her, my moods get seriously low and I start getting upset that I'm waking up, taking endless amounts of pills thinking I shouldn't be waking up :/ my best friend who is seriously close we talk every single day for past 8 years was getting really worried and started offering me stuff to get clean like trips to Japan etc my gf wanted me to detox, I had a few close calls and finally told my dad "I need help dad it's got really bad this time"
So back at the drug centre and offered a script, I want of this shit NOW, I got scared of dying and realised I wanna live, I wanna try at least, I give up on my health or getting help for pain, I just figured I'd suffer it out, "I'm done" so I met a fantastic detox prescriber, I'd met many before but all were just dreadful (for me) but this one is just incredible at her job. I'm promised I'll be kept comfy as possible which I obviously heard many times before and then ended in serious hell, so no, I didn't believe her at first, the plan was to decide when and I went "next week" which made everyone's eyes wide including my own haha I was so bloody determined, I had serious fire ready for a fight. The plan was a rattle pack,front loaded with bupenorphine for first three days at big doses for a smooth fall, lofexdine, diazpram, zoplcone and non opiate meds like paractomal, I'd never herd of lofexidine before but was promised it was good, I never liked benzos, I still don't, I don't get the abuse potential but many don't get opiates I guess. So that's it next week am fighting a serious hell I believed.
I promise to taper down, and a few days I take half doses but honestly, I bought 300 pills and they were all gone by Monday, 5 days before the detox was the lowest moods it was just the worst time to start a detox.
Day of the detox, so I'm given 8mg of bupe which I say is too much, WRONG! I was in minor wds when I picked the bupe up, so decided to wait until proper wds hit then take 2mg and slowly increased, 30 mins later I'm in serious wds sweating, shitting acid water and hot as hell, heart racing Thinking... What the fuck?! So take another 2mg and same again only worse, so I end up taking the rest the full 8mg and I'm shaking in agoney and realise I'm fucked, I knew I was gonna be having some wds but they was meant to start on the 4th day when bupe ran out and slowly left me while on lofexdine, this was my time to clean my room of all the hidden pills and other tasty treats I always found when desprate searching, cmon we've all been there, then flush and go my parents to see out detox, but I was just soooo sick I phoned my dad "it's bad dad really bad" he instantly picked me up, he said he'd never seen anyone in that state before, it wasn't the worst I've been by far, but it was still a living hell, I never ever get neasua during wds, I'm lucky with that, but this time I did throw up, I was up all night in wds but by morning I seemed better it took the bupe sooo long to help so thought okay well I'll take my 2mg now and 30mins I'm in a mess again! So I'm now scared to take bupe as when I do it felt like it was forcing me to wds, it makes no sense as it worked so well last year.
I had an appointment with my prescriber and a pain doctor for relasp pervention on the morning I'd stayed up all night on 8mg bupe doing seemingly nothing til morning, took 2mg in wds and sat with detox prescriber while pain doc is busy, I own up, I've been seriously depressed before the detox am mentally not ready I don't wanna waste her time and I feel such guilt, she was lovely about it, offered me a bupe script which I said I'm so scared of bupe now, methadone worked before but a bitch to escape, or do nothing I go DHC myself and live that shitty life and lastly skip the bupe and go lofexidine diazpram etc because I was 80% I couldn't do it, I refused and then pain doc comes in, we talk and admit we don't know plan of action, he talks about pain and emotional related stuff which I refuse as I'd cry and make no sense haha wds make me very emotional. For some reason I say "sorry, I'm not giving up, I HAVE to try, if I fail in a few days I can still get help right?" My lovely detox nurse said of course! So I said lets do this, but because I was in such a state talking about sucidal tendacy both weren't so sure. But I promised I'd be okay and I'd be at my mums. So I was giving the FULL rattle pack benzo sleepers and most importantly lofexidine.
My habbit was the worst it ever was by miles and somehow I took one lofexdine to get use to it and it helped, the bupe was obviously still in my system, day two I took much lofexidine and felt okay, just dizzy, dry mouth etc but was able a small walk on Dartmoor national park where I stay to detox, day three going so well, I text my detox nurse "this is toooo easy" then that night RLS my arch nemesis says hello, I wasn't sleeping great anyway but the next 3 nights I didn't even manage a single hour, I felt I was going crazy with my legs, I had no sweats, hot or cold, chills etc just RLS, restlessness, slight anxiety which was about RLS to be honest, they was just the worst. It would have been a million times worse without lofexidine I know this, but it wasn't a walk in the park either like the first few days!
7 days in and I've not been sleeping so it feels 14 days and I'm fed up I'm bored now of pain I've had enough and the RLS was the last straw, I knew I'd have drugs at home as I didn't clean up as didn't have chance, my gf is visiting and she's seeing I'm in agoney, feeling powerless, I feel guilt for this too, and I quit my detox, I tell her to take me home, it's late night and I'm miles away from my home, there is no bus stop for a mile up a long hill which on lofexidine I can barely stand. She does her best to convince me not to but I'm done, so she walks into my parents room and tells my mum haha! I was like "you bitch!" Half joking haha, my mum comes in asks what's wrong etc and I tell her I'm going home I've had enough, I was honest day one with her that I prob have drugs at home to clear out, so she knew why I wanted to go home, she suggests everything but going home, I decide to try as I promised myself I would, we don't have a bath and I don't at home, and showers hurt my skin, but I sat on a stool with the shower head on Luke warm resting on my knees and it did help, it give me 20 mins of low pain and I decide the detox is on 7 days of shit is too much to suffer for now!
I stay for some more days but the RLS WILL NOT stop, 24/7 non fucking stop, I was in tears, so I got a knife and stabbed it into my legs to divert pain and it did help a lil, but made a mess of my legs, however superficial I'm sure it'll heal with minimal scaring, maybe a reminder to not use huh?
I see my detox nurse and ask for quinine for my RLS, as I read on here from a memeber cooki? That quinine helped her, I'd tried before but it gave me a rapid heart beat so I was scared of it, but lofexidine kept my heart rate in low 40s sometimes into 30s so I wasn't as worried, so after seriously suffering 4-5 days with RLS in the extreme I take 20mg benzo zoplcone, quinine, 3 lofexidines and managed nearly 3 hours of broken sleep full of nightmares and while normally that sounds awful... I fucking managed to sleep so it was a success to me, plus I kinda don't mind nightmares, I'm a horror film addict, I like to be scared sometimes.
So three nights or using quinine in half doses as I was paranoid about heart issues I noticed my legs weren't half as bad, they are still going now a lil but I can just about bare it
So I'm no longer taking benzo , sleepers etc JUST lofexdine now, annoyingly I'm finding I'm on longer than planned! I read DHC withdrawal lasts weeks to months depending on useage and time, I was taking crazy doses for a long time, so I'm not sure why I'm surprised on day 15 I was still feeling so dreadful when lofexidine has chance to escape my system a little.
This is easily the longest time since I was 12 where I haven't tried taking something to get high, today has been the hardest in terms of cravings so instead of using I'm writing this and it helped!
Lofexidine is as close to a miracle drug I've ever experienced there is just not a chance in hell I'd have done this without it, mentally at 20% when I started, obviously my Mum my dad my gf, best friend whose messaged me every night knowing I'm awake struggling asking about me, my friend that knows and of course my gf who seems to want to do everything for me, even put socks on me when I literally cannot move!
A thought, one I think about often, without my family and friends, I would be that person asking you for change, maybe selling big issue maybe dead? Most of us here without good support could be there, be generous to those without my luxury.
Opiate detox day 15 using lofexidine. With drug history. LONG READ!