Overdose - Accidental Or Not?

By PillMan · Apr 30, 2013 · ·
  1. PillMan
    So this is a somewhat personal story I feel I can finally share on here. This is from a bad, or should I say worse, time in my life. I have only told this full story to my friend Blu.

    So this dates back about two years ago on a night that, then and now, has never been able to leave my mind. I can't go a day without this memory coming back to me. I guess lets just say it's a night to remember.

    I was at home and in my room by myself. Sick to my stomach at the news I have just heard. I felt horrible, sick, and out of control. The night could not get any worse...or could it? One could decide one way or another.

    I began thinking of drug cocktails to take...Neapolitans even. Whatever floats your boat. I was out of most of my narcotics and was desperate for a high or a getaway of some sort. I started scrambling through my shoe box of drugs to find anything worth taking. Nothing...

    I started off by smoking some weed and popping some temazepam. Next, honestly, any drug could have been taken. I don't really remember. From here on I was still desperate for my getaway. I get an idea.

    I mixed up a shot of Temazepam. I put the powder in a spoon with water and stirred it up. Stuck the needle in it and drew back. No filter was used. I stuck the needle in the vein in my left arm. Shot it up. I instantly said "I need more".

    So I found some Seroquel... This is where shit gets bad. I prepared another shot just like the above except this time it was Seroquel. I stuck the needle in the same vein and banged that shit up.

    Within ten seconds I was wobbling, dazed, and confused. I was definitely in a getaway at this point. Next thing you know I'm curled up in the bed with my head tucked in my legs. The most excruciating pain was going through my head. I have never been in so much pain.

    For about 3 hours I was stuck in this position because if I was to move, the pain would strike me 5 times as worse. I say "fuck it, I need help". I get up and look at my phone. I'm staring at it like its a foreign object. "How do I call someone? How can I get help?"

    I rush to find a heating pad and discover my mom is around. "I need a heating pad mom." She can't find one so I wobble back to bed and fall down in it for another 2 hours in the same position. My mom comes in with a heating pad she finally found. I wrapped it around my head.

    About another hour later I just black out. Next thing that happens is me waking up in the bed confused and questioning my every action the night before. I see my mom and she asks me "Were you drunk last night?" "No mom."

    Now what bugs me the most is that I can't decide, after taking all of these drugs, was I trying to OD and kill over on purpose? Or was it all just a stepladder that led to it? Everyday this runs through my mind.

    What do you think? Obviously you could never know for sure. Just from what I have wrote...do you think I tried to OD?

    I don't know the answer and never will. Thanks for reading my story. It has taken two years for me to come out and say it.

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  1. SublimeTrip
    Thanks for sharing, man.

  2. PillMan
    Yea I am really debating deleting this...I'm not real comfortable sharing it. I don't know. The moral of the story, though, is to not do dumb shit like this without thinking it through. Think before you act.
  3. I_MISS_160s
    Wow man, I have done the very same thing. I have injected 15mg of Restoriol (Temazapam) ubt it was not until a few hours later I was told (Temezapam has a way of erasing ones memories but not their actions right) I mixed up roughly half of a 300mg Seroquel XR. I woke up with no knowledge of what I had done (many more things such as commit numerous criminal acts) or if I had experienced the same pain you did.

    I should probably be glad I did not remember. I mean really, who the fuck is desperate enough to inject those two drugs? I'll tell you who pal.. US. Couple of real winners huh?

    Thanks for sharing your story, I never would have admitted to doing that if you hadn't

    Peace brother

  4. Thirst4knowledge
    Pillman, I think its good that you shared this because it bothers you so much. Often getting thoughts out in the open helps to reduce the impact they continue to have on us internally. It can put them into perspective or simply be a release as we let them go from within to without, like the expulsion of air. Having said that, if you are uncomfortable with leaving this blog here then delete it. The release can still be effective even if the words only remain here temorarily. But before you do, I'd like you to consider the following-

    That your intention was not to OD - you were in such emotional pain that night that it became overwhelming and you simply wanted it to go away.
    You were attempting to get away from your pain ,not this life. You didn't really care how, but you wanted that emotional agony to go as quickly as possible, hence the speed with which you chose to take a mixture of drugs without thought to the consequences. When you realised that you needed help you went in search of your phone. That is the survival instinct. You wanted to survive.....and you did. You have lived to tell this experience and also learned a valuable lesson from it.

    Now, why let it bug you every day? It is done. It is time to let it go and move on, a little wiser. This ceaseless resurrection of the events that night is taking up too much uneccessary space in a lively curious mind that could be enjoying other more constructive thoughts instead. Be free of it.
  5. una_cavaletta
    It is really brave to share stories like this. Important too, because people can learn from what happened. I think we hurt ourselves all the time without understanding just how badly we're doing it or on what kind of sub/conscious level.
  6. PillMan
    I want to think all of y'all for commenting on this. Especially SublimeTrip for being first and Thirst4Knowledge for that wonderful post.

    I felt good about posting it then felt really dumb because it had a lot of views but no replies. Made me feel weird. So thanks.
  7. FamousLastX
    Appreciate the story. Don't get down over having so few replies. You shared a very difficult personal story which takes a lot of courage, but as has been mentioned, could very well make an impact on others. Be proud of that. As for the question you asled, it's simply a very difficult one to answer, made even more difficult but the fact, that even you acknowledge the fact that you don't know the answer yourself for sure one way or another. I'm sure many of us have been in similar situations, where we don't understand why we've done what we've done, but simply have to deal with whatever comes of it. That's the sad truth of addiction and simply wanting an escape. Just look back on that experience, and realize that you overcame it, you survived, and realize that there's a reason for that. You'll find the purpose one day soon enough. Until then, just stay strong and stay safe. Thank you again for this excellent personal experience.
  8. Beenthere2Hippie
    Pillman, I just stumbled upon your story. You weren't trying to kill yourself; you just wanted to get high--escape--somewhere else.
    I also have done things in my life that looked a lot like trying to OD at the time, and my behavior confused the crap out of me when it took place. But I now know that I wasn't trying to die; I just wanted a temporary release from life.
    Please leave your blog up and let visitors who come here, with doubts about their own similar intentions, see that there's more to an episode like this than meets the eye. You're still alive and doing well, and that gives hope to everyone who sees this blog, including you--I hope!
    Thanks for sharing, PillMan. :vibes:
  9. derpahderp
    ..can start to be undone by writing about them. This kind of catharisis through putting them down on paper is a good way to go about it imho (whether it's public/private). Repressing our emotions only mucks up any growth or healing.

    ^besides, you left a good disclaimer.

  10. PillMan
    FamousLastX - Thanks for your comment. It means a lot really. You are right...I should just find out why I'm still here and keep moving. Life goes on.

    Beenthere2hippie - Thank you as well. You could be right and probably are, I was just looking for an escape. I am doing better, it has been a long time since it happened but it still hits my mind from time to time. Thanks again.

    derpahderp - Very insightful compilation of words you put together. Short and to the point. I should work on letting my emotions out more and stop repressing so much.

    Thank you all,
  11. Lizard777
    I'm sure if it was going to be an attempted suicide you would have thought about it first so I am fairly certain it was an accidental overdose. Very accidental.
      PillMan likes this.
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