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  1. DocBrock
    I'm considered many things according to DSM. I spit on DSM.

    I see and think and hear differently. I experience the world differently.

    I considered and cognise differently.

    I reason differently.

    Does that make me paranoid?

    The below is one of 482 text files I've just deleted beyond recall. It represents my view on a subject. I'm guessing I wrote it during a paranoid moment. I'm leaving unedited at first, but will highlight in a different colour. It represents one example of my thinking and what my typing looks like unedited. I have removed my usual header and footer, but it contained the document times of creation and first opening. The below was typed at 80wpm ish. And it shows..

    All the files were like this. Jeez, how the fuck can my thinking get so fucking screwed up. Are my thoughts patterns so out of whack?.

    The whole directory represented a days worth of musings during one of my PAWS nights.


    I am a systems thinker. When I am outside, I percive differently. In a common crowd, such asa gig, bike racing etc, or a common cause direct, not a coomnon cause different, ie, a mardch or prteost not fucking commiunting to go to most workplaces.

    I see each person as an actor or element.

    Each actor in a system is a system within itself, and thus hwe spira;l towards a madlebrotian lanscape of ereasoning of thought of actor direct or indirections in our sysytemic perception of ourt surroiundings and interactions theirin, wherin and whoin we find aor think we are, if you probably dont see whaitittat I mean.

    When I am hpermanixc or higher, this is my world.

    I am not on drugs right nomw

    This oin si si s me. I am niot pereffect but am me to the core.

    I've just explained my hearing to my wioife when she opened th e door. How IO can hear and visualise the bnbrass of the door componets slinding acdcrsooos the each other. The knitting needle staccato of the paint flakes fretting against the brass as the surfaces scrape. I can visualise down to the surface deformation of the metals surface and understansdd it because I used to fucking teach it and to fucking teach it you have to know it backwards and how it works or you don't know enogh.
    I told her how rthe door handle housounhds adn howe the plastic bags at the on the wall sounds win in ind it creates.

    Wjehen I'jmnmn in a crowbd, I hear all in that detaoiil. I blink and I snapshoty my visual field and tie he sounds in.

    I can anlayse each actor and thereir interaction loop. Is it a positive or negative loop. It is part of the feedback dynamic of the system as a whole, so it si a loop. Th e y are in my awareness, so rthey are part of my system perception duynamic.

    I find this oveerwhelming. It drives panic.

    It is normal. I am just hyperaware of it,..

    Welociome to the first part of fight ofr flight reasoning exposed. for me.

    I fucking hate being awar eof my first real sober hypermainc experience.



    And now the cleaned up version.

    I am a systems thinker. When I am outside, I perceive differently. In a common crowd, such as a gig, bike racing etc, or a common cause direct, not a common cause different, ie, a march or protest not fucking commuting to go to most workplaces.

    I see each person as an actor or element.

    Each actor in a system is a system within itself, and thus l spiral towards a Mandelbrot-ian landscape of reasoning of thought of actor direct or indirections in our systemic perception of our surroundings and interactions therein, wherein and who-in we find or think we are, if you probably don’t see what I mean.

    When I am hypermanic or higher, this is my world.

    I am not on drugs right now

    This is me. I am not perfect but am me to the core.

    I've just explained my hearing to my wife when she opened the door. How I can hear and visualise the brass of the door components sliding across the each other. The knitting needle staccato of the paint flakes fretting against the brass as the surfaces scrape. I can visualise down to the surface deformation of the metals surface and understand it because I used to fucking teach it and to fucking teach it you have to know it backwards and how it works or you don't know enough.
    I told her how the door handle sounds and how the plastic bags at the on the wall sounds with the wind it creates.

    When I'm in a crowd, I hear all in that detail. I blink and I snapshot my visual field and tie he sounds in.

    I can analyse each actor and their interaction loop. Is it a positive or negative loop. It is part of the feedback dynamic of the system as a whole, so it is a loop. They are in my awareness, so they are part of my system perception dynamic.

    I find this overwhelming. It drives panic.

    It is normal. I am just hyperaware of it,..

    Welcome to the first part of fight or flight reasoning exposed for me.

    I fucking hate being aware of my first real sober hypermanic experience.

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