So this is part 4 of my story, how I became to be addicted to heroin. To put into some context or if you haven't read the other parts of my blog, my first opiate experience was in New York on the plane back after a girl I met had given me pain killers for the first time. I was 26 almost 27 when this happened and other than heroin or opiates I had taken every drug you could think of and was regularly using a variety of 'party drugs' at the time and it was normally weekend use.
Now in the UK it is slightly different to the states, opiates are not common place and the opiate scene is usually a smallish collection of heroin addicts in each town and city. The whole pain killer explosion that happened in the USA never happened in the UK as we have an NHS (national health service) rather than a private medical industry, so prescriptions are tight and unless you have cancer or some kind of terminal illness it's unlikely you'll be prescribed opiates for anything and it would be even more unlikely to get Oxycontin although it is prescribed in the UK still I believe. Heroin/opiate use is seen in most circles as unacceptable, there is no middle class heroin/opiate scene in the UK and if you were at a party and everyone was taking ecstasy and cocaine and mdma etc. and you decided to smoke some heroin, everyone would look at you like some kind of tramp/junkie/fuck up and you would most probably be kindly asked to leave.
I remember being surprised when I met this girl 'A' in NYC that she spoke so openly of using heroin and opiates, it wasn't normal to me to hear this but I was intrigued and at this point was at a pivotal moment in drug taking life/career. The normal drugs I had used to escape my depression and general apathy towards life just were not working any more. I had become paranoid about it, I was convinced someone was fucking with the drugs I was taking and cutting them with shit that made them not work on me. I started to rigorously test my ecstasy with a reagent tester AND a mandelin tester because every time I took ecstasy I threw up and felt awful. I started washing my cocaine in acetone in a coffee filter over and over but even the 'pure' flakes of cocaine as well as costing me an awful lot of money were simply not working. Instead of euphoria I just became paranoid that everyone was staring at me or wanted to harm me. I had taken so much ketamine that I had a bladder infection and my legs had swelled up, it felt like someone was stabbing my urethra with a rusty nail when I pissed and I had to run a boiling hot bath and get in it to take a piss just to make the pain slightly less. It was awful, I wasn't in a good place, the hallucinogens had slowly helped me to lose my grip on reality somewhat, I had taken too much acid and DMT 2CB and all the other hallucinogens, shrooms, salvia etc. on a far too regular basis and it was catching up with me.
I was depressed, I'd come out of a long draining 4 year relationship with a girl that suffered with depression and anxiety and it had also taken its toll on me mentally. I also hated my job and was bored senseless all week, the escapism at the weekend was NECESSARY rather than indulgent in my eyes, yet now I couldn't even get to have that because none of the drugs made me feel good any more. If I wasn't sick physically when taking them I would be messed up psychologically and usually have to leave wherever I was abruptly and go home and take a lot of valium and smoke a lot of weed. Even drinking alcohol had started to disagree with me, bad hangovers would leave me feeling almost suicidal and I was drinking most nights and had been since 17/18. It was at this point as a 26 year old almost 27 when I came back from NYC with these pain killers which had been given to me by this girl 'A' I had met, it's in my previous blog post.
I remember taking the dilaudid on the plane back, I was feeling like total shit. I'd had almost no sleep at all in 5 nights, had drank gallons of booze and sniffed my way through several grams of coke in NY and was physically exhausted from all the wondering around on the streets and the running back and forth and of course the copious amounts of vigorous sex. I was also feeling pretty depressed at leaving 'A' whom I was unlikely to see for the forseeable future, so I thought I would take this Dilaudid to go with the two valium I had already washed down with a vodka and orange that hadn't even touched the sides. I had almost forgotten I had taken it when about 20 minutes later, this beautiful moment swept over me. It was unmistakable and poignant moment of my life, this incredible bliss coming at a moment when I wasn't sure if it was possible to feel any worse. It just engulfed me in its arms and have me this lovely warm cuddle, and I cuddled it back, for a moment everything was almost perfect serenity and a calm warm sensation that actually, in spite of my incessant self loathing tendencies and bleak pessimistic and morbid outlook on life, I managed possibly for the first time ever in my entire life, certainly for the first time since I remember taking my first ecstasy tablet, to just 'be happy' or even to just 'be' without the tumultuous inner turmoil that would beat inside me like a horrible drum that you couldn't stop hearing. It was every bit as real as my heart beat only a lot more painful to cope with.
And that was pretty much it. I got home and I knew, just like I knew the first time I took ecstasy all those years ago, that I had found something that I wanted to be part of. I had found something that made me feel whole, that made me feel like most other people (who aren't depressive fuck ups like myself), probably feel some of the time, elation, joy, zest for life, excitement and genuine happiness. I began to research opiates and specifically opiate based pain killers, there was a lot of talk of addiction but it is not something I really thought about an awful lot. They seemed so harmless and beautiful and positive to me at that time that I wouldn't have been dissuaded from taking more of them anyway, they were like a shining beacon of light in a world of torturous misery for me and I was chasing after that light with relish. I think the second night I got back I took both the 10mg vicodin and the percocet about an hour later. I got that feeling again and it was everything I wanted it to be and more, I was alone sitting on my sofa just grinning as happy as fucking Larry only this Larry was on opiates having just won the lottery and got a date with Kate Moss! All I had to do next was find a steady supply, not as easy it may seem but also not impossible, nothing is impossible if you want it bad enough, it's why determined heroin addicts can always fine heroin wherever they are.
Now heroin at this stage was still something I wouldn't take in my wildest dreams, it was a filthy substance that conjured up images of people with haggard skin and track marks, a dead corpse with a syringe still stuck in the arm, misery, destitution and horror. I wasn't taking heroin, I was taking (or trying to take at this point) PAIN KILLERS for fucks sake, the shit doctors give to people to make them better when they get sick! The two things seemed worlds apart, totally worlds apart to me, they were a different sport altogether let alone ball park as Samuel L Jackson would say. I stayed in contact with 'A' the girl I met in NY and we talked about pain killers and how great they were, she could send me a couple in the mail but she didn't have a lot and didn't want to get mixed up in buying them and mailing them to me a lot as she had developed an addiction to them previously and had started taking heroin so she didn't want to the temptation, which was fair enough. She warned me that they could be very addictive and I shouldn't take them too often save them for special occasions, I thought this is what I would do and that it wouldn't be a problem. I am an intelligent guy and I can look after myself I am not stupid enough to get addicted to anything, although I was already addicted to and taking every day of my life without fail, cigarettes, weed, and valium, this didn't seem to register to me. Or maybe it registered but behind the screaming desire to get my hands on some more of those lovely pain killers.
I started to join 'Pain Forums' and interact with people online, there were lots of people looking for online pharmacies at the time it turned out and many were willing to trade information. Within a week I had a regular UK supplier of Dihydrocodeine, this is like the UK equivalent of hydrocodone and I could get a bottle of 56 x 120mg extended release at the time for about £50. If I crushed them up and swallowed them 3 of them all at once and drank them down with grapefruit juice (which is an opiate potentiator) I would slip into this beautiful dreamy kind of state and could just find this beautiful inner peace that I had sent my life longing for. My problems and the problems of the world would slip away as they hit my stomach and I'd slip into my new found world, a world where I didn't hate myself, where I was comfortable in my own skin, it just felt so natural and so perfectly right, I'd suffered my whole life with low self worth and self loathing and low self esteem and I deserved some peace from the traumatic experience that life was for me. I had also got in touch with some email contacts in Mexico who shipped out the stronger American pain killers and was talking about placing a W.U order with them too and this was very exciting, small orders at first until I trusted the vendors but after that larger orders would be coming. At first I was only taking them 1/2 a week and I had started hanging around with an old friend from my teenage years, she used to date a friend of mine when we were kids and she had started coming to my place and taking these DHC's and getting high with me and eating a lot of food and smoking weed.
I had a partner in crime now! A lot of my other friends thought I was odd with this pain killer thing and when they took one they felt nauseous and didn't like it but I wasn't deterred at all I just thought they didn't get it, with their coke and their MDMA crystals, sweating and gurning like fools whilst I was wrapped in a warm, hazy, foggy, opiated state, like being incredibly stoned but just pure floaty beauty and no paranoia or edginess. Me and 'E' enjoyed sitting in my flat and taking these pain killers together though, it became a regular weekend thing and I think I was slowly falling in love with both the drugs, but also the girl in my life that had started to be there when I took them each time. I'd always liked her but when we were young she was dating my friend, we always got on so well it became embarrassing to be around her because it was so apparent we had so much in common I thought it would upset my friend. But years later he was in a LTR and it wasn't a big deal any more and she was single now, I couldn't get it into my head that she would be interested in me because why would anyone be? I hate myself and everything about me so why anyone would give me the time of day, let alone a beautiful, intelligent, intuitive, driven, successful and amazing girl like 'E' wanting me to be her boy friend. That would never happen, I was almost convinced she only came to take the drugs and that she didn't see me any other type of way but people started to say we would make a good couple and she WAS spending a lot of time with me so maybe it is possible........