Paws with claws?

By DocBrock · May 27, 2012 ·
  1. DocBrock
    I originally put this as a reply to a thread. It was meant to go here, so here it is.

    I cold turkeyed my last opiate in my opiate addiction list in Feb this year. I've had a stumble or two, but not got out of it, or taken to any level approaching my old habits of 30 years.
    30 years.
    30 years of mixed opiate and benzo abuse, and I was denying every last one of those years.
    PAWS first struck, I suspect, in March this year. About five weeks later anyway. I thought too quick. Too soon after the physicals and the flu and the shivering, shaking, sneezing, freezing, bunged up, shitting, dried out, puking headfuck that is week one.

    Give some fucking space will you. I hadn't even come to fucking terms with the different way my body feels to me before you showed up.

    The general physical injuries, and the repercussions of them I've sustained over the years, I was scared they'd come back. They did, but it was a doddle to deal with them.

    I get bad physical days. I get squirrely and squrrely days. Squrrely days are similar to squirrely, but run deeper.
    I get couchlock days, firelock days. Meh, I -could- push myself through them if I had a job.
    I get self-hatred days, but I'm so used to them anyway, I don't bother too much about them.
    I get -painfully- empathic days. If these meet a painfully both lonely as heck with either totally sympathetic or seemingly utterly cold to everyone days, to the point of the room emptying as I entered, -that- is an emotional headfuck to work out alone. Some sort of psych or a friend who is -not- your partner.
    Someone who will take away and dump the absoulute peaks, not absorb and keep them. Spelling above deliberate.

    I get -very- good half days, but then crash too low. Takes a day to stabilise for each hour of utter pleasure in the company of my family. Lop the peaks off, they gotta be stored as a deep memory. How that memory is recalled is dependant on mood as sleep comes. If you're super happy naturally, a bad dream will wake you feeling a bit down.

    On the downslope though, unguided bad recall can drive deep depression. It takes a lot to lift from that deep. Friends and loved ones the best as they have shared memories with you that are happy to talk abut. Solo, it can get tricksy.

    I have good weeks, peak like -fuck- as I did this morning ( recorded average 192 IQ ) with -four- concurrent, but nice, personalities. Sadly woke wife as two opponents were abit, er, 'vocal'. Yay!, three opponents now!. Two rhetoricians and a very sleepy wifey whose sole argument to everything put to her was 'fuck off back to sleep'.

    Then my lovely youngest, autistic son woke and joined in. Fuck me!, his 'uber-clever-when released' personality is so way beyond words, you'd need to be a mood synaesthete to see and hear his world.

    We talked for hours. He remembers nothing. Wifey hears much. It troubles her to hear us.

    Then I fart, loudly, he belches in return. In that instant, we were both teenagers. It rocked. Wifey annoyance at stupid hubby and son hurling South Park type insults and each other, peppered with Terence and Philip. Like I say, it rocked.
    Until my harshest rhetorical critic let forth a torrent of Shakespearian stature, peppered with bifurcated barbs where the upper, public hear a mild rebuke or insult, the receiver gets the lower, harder, sharper, barbed spike that was designed to hurt like fuck on a deep level when it finally withdrew.

    I don't know what I said. It realised how horrid I'd been, and how calculating with my words. Each designed to hit part of him only we shared through memory. To sound contemporary and slightly sarcastic, if a bit nasty to most. To tear away a shared memory and try to twist it back in as a bad experience is a calculatedly nasty thing to do. I am ashamed.

    My psych predicated moments like this. I've had them before. Really stupid little things, magnified out of all proporption. Amplified by unwanted dislike emotion, boosted with some undeserved feeling of superiority over some meaningless, trivial event. Vocalised through a rhetorician who delivers the fatal blow QED. There is no space for argument. This is presented as a truth held to be self evident for many.

    Done that in the past. Recently, wife has said 'Stop it Sheldon!'
    I then watched Big Bang Theory. Ouch and oops. Never been big on Sci-Fi, or been so finicky as to 'the room-mate agreement', but yeah, I do see him reflecting a lot of me. I think like a rhetorician, speak like one when addressing a group. Pity I can't seem to write like one.

    I've now exceed my valium taper dose by a substantial margin already. The shakes are only just being held in check. Just as my psych warned me.

    I'll now hit a colossal low. The next high won't be as high, but neither will the next low.

    I won't post how much valium, but it has taken some of the peak. IQ now dropped. Feel slower, crave that high. That has been amplified by the PAWS.

    Unfortunately, I have now developed a love of RC's. First taken to mask the symptoms. Can you see how insidious the mechanism can be?.

    I've been told to expect a few bad spells but that they reduce in depth and intensity fairly rapidly, but allow one month for each actual year of use, rounded up. Rough seas ahead.

    It has hit me early, and hard. As far as I'm concerned, it can bugger off just as fast too. I think I may have overdone the reflectivity and recall and underdone the social aspects a little.

    If this is PAWS, or this is PAWS being amplified by sometime RC use, then at the moment, I have to say it sucks.

    To other folk with head issues, this is like dropping from the best manic high to dysphoria in a morning. I know I'm going to overshoot down nearly as quickly as I got up. Hope I'm asleep when it hits.

    About ten hours after waking now. Out of tobacco. Disgusted at self for failing to plan to buy more whilst out previously. Disgusted at self because now cannot face leaving house. Disgusted making cigarettes from dog ends, which is eating away at being unable to leave house through irrational fear, which in itself is very pissed off at being dumb enough not to buy when guessing he'd end up housebound through anxiety.
    And so it goes on.
    And on.
    According to two 'Test your own I.Q' programmes, I.Q now dropped below usual level. Currently down to 120. I feel slow, but remember being so much more earlier.
    It hurts. I need a clean smoke. See above.

    Add self loathing to the list and fatigue. Two's company, three's chaos. Four or more and all bets are off. Just as I soared so high, thus I plummet. How's that for rapid cycling.
    I crave that type of high, but want real me to have a greater hold on it.
    I've spent my life seeking the easy come up with control, and staggered, cushioned, staged downs in sedated comfort.

    Today it first dawned just how young I was when I had my first natural full blown cycle. I was 10.
    Yes, 10.

    Elder Sis tried drugs young, so thusly did I, at her age, minus the difference + a month.

    First got pissed at 10 1/2.
    First cigarette same night.
    Regular smoker at 11
    First cannabis at 11 1/2
    First speed 12
    First heroin 12 1/2
    Start of regular cocktail of illicits+alcohol drove head issues and behavioural problems, which were often peer reinforced positively? 13 and a bit.
    I found a ticket stub from a UFO gig stapled to a picture of me on the train home. I looked utterly spaced.
    Drunk with speed in the mix.
    Puts me at 13 and a bit. Only physical evidence in the form of a photo of me from that entire year!. I was shitfaced.

    From then, even when I proclaimed being done of the demons, I'd had a codeine habit.

    Raiding my mum's rather impressive pill collection as well as my sisters. From memory, Tenuate Dospan, Ponderax, aka, fenfluramine. Morphine, pethidine, codeine, ativan, tuinal, librium and mogadon.

    Which came from whom is beyond memory. Gave a wide view very young.

    Knew I was in for a nasty, dysphoric downfall after recent happy memories had resurfaced just before days of reflection. This one is going to be nasty. I was so high, now I feel in freefall. I so crave for a soft landing. Still falling.

    I need a clean cigarette, thus it begins again.

    Three hours later from the above and I'm still rolling from my ashtray collection. I'm near all out.
    Valium taper shot to fuck. Had to have 25mg seroquel as thoughts getting a bit odd.
    Headache coming in. Getting drowsy after seroquel and valium. Not crazy amounts. Usually just enough but I have a large safety buffer.

    Could kill for a clean smoke. Bit worried ashtray and roach farm differences been forgotten too.

    Later on. 21:42 BST.

    Could kill for a clean smoke.. Remembered what our brilliant conversation was about. When I teach systems, this is where I bring in chaos in a two element system. Remember, at this point, there is no intervention. Usually leads; with bright candidates, to about half an hour group discussion. With not so bright or motivated, my enthusiasm wanes exponentially over time.

    You think you know two, because you think you have a grasp on one, and you believe one and one is two. Sadly, you do not yet fully comprehend the meaning of and.

    You find initially, people treat their beliefs as possessions. Bit like faith. They're reluctant to re-examine their belief in their understanding of the concept of and. They are reluctant to visualise ( verbally, ie, dialogue ) . Discussion is the order eventually. Discuss/Concuss. Same root word. Hold your belief, disabuse others of theirs.

    Someone realises that the understanding of one is being questioned, and how each entity may comprise many sub systems and entities whose reactions and interactions will differ if the other, second entity is seen also only as a one.

    It isn't just the entities, it's how they interact too that determine what two will be like, so we need to know both the entities and the interactions, or at least have a good working knowledge of each entity, or each stock, or each actor in order to be able to predict and portray to others the nature of the resultant two.

    When combining experience viewpoints from a need driven toward acquisition, so we can shift the burden we have assigned to drugs for example, we focus on acquisition. That is one entity. We posses our magic powder. We add powder ( one ) to self ( one ) somehow. The interaction and action of getting adjacent play both a role in the answer ( two ) and in the conjunct via ROA, pre-mood, expectations, tolerance.

    This is also good for disabusing those trapped in cause/effect linear hell.

    Nice, but at stupid O'Clock?

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