Playing a game of chess in my head..

By Jels · Apr 17, 2014 ·
  1. Jels
    I decided to start a fresh blog or as I like to call Journal. Even though my last thread was not overly commented and full I feel that I need to start something more organized and new to go along with my new attitude toward sobriety from heroin.

    Background stats:
    Using opiates for 7 years, Started wtih Oxycontin 80's then when they disapeared graduated to heroin. Went to in patient rehab once and outpatient three times. Both at which I only kept my sobriety no longer than 3 months. Used Suboxone in my previous detoxs but only temporarily. Now I go to a clinic and recieve subutex. Iv been on the subutex regimen for 4 months, but still have maintained using H every so couple days. I smoked marijuana daily, and it is the only true medicine that helps me..
    Sometimes when I cannot score and smoke weed instead my brain attitude changes so drastically that it actually tells me Heroin is BAD and do NOT go do it. does this happen with any one else?? like weed is subconsciouly giving me advice? or is that just my inner ID telling me you already know all this STOP DOING DRUGS.
    Well anyways throughout my years of using I have managed to become a convicted felon (burglary for money for heroin), almost kill myself in a DUI that I blew .32! Spent thousands of dollars going to 4 (almost 5) different colleges and STILL not finishing to recieve my DEGREE. (pathetic) Destroyed my veins from some major IV damage. Lost EVERY SINGLE friend Iv ever had. (DRUG DEALERS AND USERS ARE NOT MY FRIENDS). SOLD all my families jewlery possessions. Frauded multiple banks with checks. IN BIG DEBT FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

    * Only postive thing is I met the love of my life even though I have used most during our relationship and lost his trust more than NUMEROUS times he has stood by myside and is DETERMINED to help me stay clean. We live together and I am currently unemployed. He supports me to the fullest. But at the same time he is loosing hope, If I do not do this right this time It really will be the end. And im not just saying this to say it like I usually do every single time Im getting sober.
    ** Family background- Mom Did not drink throughout my whole life then became A big alcoholic for the past 3 years, (found out she used to drink heavily before I was born) DAD- drank couple times a week, would get a big temper but has slowed down heavily. BROTHER-uses drinking to let his emotions out which usual is a combination of him breaking shit and yelling really mean things to all of us. He recently has been charged for 5 DUIs and sits in jail :/ (This always brings me down bc he always sounds so sad when we speak)

    OK pheww. Now that all that is done, today is Thursday. Its beautiful outside sun shine birds chirpping. And once again today is day ONE. I do not know what number day ONE this is any more. But I am not going to dwell in the past anymore I am just going to focus on heading forward Been getting more and more serious since Iv used the support of DF. I am subscribed Subutex but I really would like to do it without as much subutex as possible this time. Just enough to get rid of w/d's and to stablize me to not want to relapse so I will go one day at a time seeing how I feel and trying to stay as strong as possible.

    Id talk about my yesterday and more of my past but thats the past I really need to stop living in it, I have another thread you can rid and get some Idea, but from here on I will keep everything fresh. I have also found writing down a routine or list of things to do for the day has helped me calm my EXTREME anxiety.

    -woke up
    -was thinking about scoring H, made a few phone calls, No luck
    -convinced myself to stop being a pussy and stick through it
    -smoked some weed
    -got the confidence I needed in knowing I can make it through today
    -blog/ research and read other DF blogs (my form of support system)
    -clean house
    -take my pups on a walk
    -make sure to remember to eat something and drink lots of liquids!

    I just need to not out of no where flip the switch in my brain that says FUCK EVERYTHING LETS GET HIGH and not think about any of the stuff iv said above. I need to turn my cell phone off, I just recieved a text from a dealer but instead of getting that andrenline high heart pumping blood rushing feeling Iv somehow managed to stay calm and not act upon it.
    I think Im going to go start gettin busy with all the things I need to get done to get my mind off of it. Who knows I coiuld drop everything and go in 5 mins then again I must practice restraint and control! Okay well untill later, XOXO

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