Poly substance addiction

By Scloud90 · Aug 13, 2014 · ·
  1. Scloud90
    I've been addicted to so much shit it seems like its a new substance everyday, while I am completely sick of dealing with it, I dont want to give it up. I love drugs, I love the way they take away my pain, and even me out. Meth makes me feel invincible and accomplish so much and when I start to feel like a zombie I switch to another drug.

    Im living in an octagon of drugs replacing one addiction with another addiction, and I care but I also don't at the same time. Ill drink while doing downers then use the remaining downers to detox off the alcohol then get my hands on meth and have some more fun all over again, I can get opiates but its a little harder and I only do them cause my tolerance is so low so its cost efficient.

    Im really sick of life and being sober is fucking retarded. I dont care when I die, I just want to be happy while Im alive and drugs have given me that. It doesnt make any sense that ive been so depressed and feel empty recently(I have borderline personality disorder) Because Ive actually had a lot of extremely attractive women interested in me, which should make me happy, but none of them really know what im going through and I just wish I could find someone that could relate to me and talk about our issues together and get through them, im feeling so lost right now. Looks arent that important to me, Idc about these women I just want someone mature enough to be able to relate to me on a personal level, thats all I really want out of life, I want to be my true self around someone. I always feel like im going to be judged cause of my taboo behavior.

    Anyone ever feel this way.

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  1. vicelord
    Yeah all the time....
    You gotta find the flip side
    The auto destruct side is easy peasy
    Reversing the polarity is a little more difficult.
    But I believe we can all do whatever we want and sometimes I want to be selfish and not care if I love or die. Other times I think that's stupid. Right now I guess I'm kinda in between. Needle in my arm but still not yet come down from being high on life!
  2. vicelord
    Thinking about the future and trying to build one is the only way to get through. Pick a goal and achieve it..... its the BIGGGGGEST of all clichés but, fortunately it's actually spot on the money!:vibes:

    "being sober is fucking retarded" sounds juuuuuust a little bit retarded itself.
  3. Scloud90
    I understand it sounds retarded itself, I wasn't using that word as "literally someone is always going to be a better person just cause they're not sober," or "less/more intelligent" that's obviously not true.

    What I was referring to was my own life and trying to express that for me(as this is a blog entry) being sober seems so retarded at my point in life, because when i'm not, I don't necessarily feel like living. Being high and living till you die is better than just not living as well as wanting to end it all.

    Its hard for me to make goals hence the borderline mention in my post, I have goals right now but my goals change too sporadically. My motivation to due certain things is way too off. And these are the feelings I get when i'm sober, not just the drugs.
  4. vicelord
    I get what you're saying totally but there's another cliché coming:
    Think of all the people so much worse off who just get on and do shit.
    You need to prove it to THEM that WE have value by showing you can do whatever THEY can do you just CHOOSE to do what you do, which is your right.
  5. vicelord
    This conversation can go one of two ways: You agree that life ain't so bad. Or we have a "drug-off" (.... saying who's taken what bla bla bla) (I'd back myself btw) and me eventually showing you that there's just a little bit of bullshit in you saying you don't feel like living....
    ...Have a wank for fuck's sake! That feels great! And you can do it whenever!!!! (it's a little frowned upon in public, and on motorways you have to think about how much higher up lorry drivers are!)

    Just look out the window. Notice the fractals in the trees.. Listen to some reggae smoke some weed and say ereeting gonna be iree! You're just chronically lazy, man, same as me. And a psychopath probly. But you gotta use your powers for good. We can heal sick minds. We can make those girls come all night long, I don't know about you but I love driving boys crazy too and that's probably what I love most about live,..... loving myself. What you give is what you get. The meaning of life is to be selfish. And true selfishness means happiness. And true happiness is actually best achieved by affecting other people positively. So It's a cycle. You choose to go round the wheel getting squashed each time, or you dance like a monkey and prove to everyone you can do whatever the fuck you like and still rock a sober day and be the brightest beacon on the beach.
  6. vicelord
  7. vicelord
    And this lifestyle conversely can go one of two ways. You calm down a bit. See that the Sun is actually quite a nice colour and it gives you energy. Or you just continue to hammer it. And Bradley Nowell, Kurt Kobain and Amy Winehouse were the lucky ones... they actually died young. Live fast die young is not how it works though. The real saying should be: "Live fast, get old fast, die early." Think of all the old 50yr old smack and crackheads u know they look 80 and they're fucking slow and stupid and boring. You have to see the light. Live fast, but take breaks cos tiredness can kill, and it's not glamourous. Dying coughing your fucking guts up on a respirator after every toke of the meth or the crack or the hash even that you just can't do without, cos everythings so shit. I wanted to play you a song but I've forgotten what it was...it'l come back. I mean there're so many fucking songs I could play you, dude, that would instantly lift your mood. There's always one sound or sight or sense, that you can find, that you wouldn't care if it was experienced high, low or even just plain-old-sober, you've just given up searching.:confused:
  8. vicelord
    borderline personality disorder is bullshit
  9. vicelord
  10. vicelord
    It's too much of an excuse. Like everything else it's just the fucked-up conditions of our wildly unnatural existence. Everyone has it. Some people indulge it. Others control it. Others don't notice it.
    Everyone's either a psychopath or an empath, sometimes actually both or somewhere in between, and fully responsible for their actions, in my opinion.
  11. vicelord
    You've become a cliché

    Great song...... right one the money, I saw them live in my hometown 10 nights ago actually!!!!

    It seems to describe me at a certain point before I accepted I'm happy just doing whatever feels good. Sober or otherwise
  12. vicelord
    FUCK! I'm nearly 20 years younger than Fat Mike tho...

    Which, looking back on the previous 20 years, makes me reflect on the fucking huge number of chances most of us must get to do whatever the fuck we like. get habit, quit, maintain, quit, maintain, moderate, relapse, maintain, quit... there are lots of options in one lifetime. There are the unlucky ones too. I could die in 30 seconds. If I happened to become sober (*going back to your post) in those 30 seconds. I can't see the problem. My brain has all it's nirvana chemicals ready to go at any time anyway! That's why you gotta be positive. Cos heaven is chemical. Cosmic but merely chemical.
    But the way you're going you could die and put yourself in brain-chemical hell! No one wants their final eternal DMT trip to be based on the thought "Damn it all I'm sober!"

    It's the quantum loop paradox thingy, like that awesome one family guy intro, (that ripped off the simpsons intro with the same theme)
  13. Scloud90
    Actually this conversation can go more than one two or even three ways, stop using false dichotomies and talking out of your ass, and saying something is bullshit without even knowing what you're talking about.

    I don't like to assume things, but you probably know very little to nothing of biochem/neuroscience/psychology or anything related, either that or you do know something of them and youre making this a semantics game and refuse to use labels to describe anything in behavioral science which is very silly. Besides man, all you have are your own experiences to relate to, so never talk like you can transcend that, it makes you look unintelligent.

    I never use anything as an excuse and hold myself accountable regardless of my deterministic materialistic philosophy, which may seem contradictory but most people dont understand what is going on around them so to have to explain why the general public is ignorant about their views about other people and their actions is a waste of time.

    Im sober right now and fine, this feeling of hopelessness I get occasionally(but a lot) it passes but it comes on repeatedly and randomly, right now I dont really care cause im just in kind of a fucking shitty mood right now so I could give a shit less whether my life sucks right now, other people in my family seem to have lost their shit right now so I have to focus on that. You just need to put your thoughts together and not post 100 things about everything and actually construct something worth the time because I dont see any point in talking about nothing. That's all I view this conversation as.


    I know you probably have good intentions, but something you said just increased my anger.

    PS if you like opinions so much heres some of mine that will probably irritate you just a tad bit if at all

    I think bob marley sucks

    and I hate weed I think it gives the illusion of someone coming to some realization, when really their IQ is temporarily 50 points lower while they're high on the shit. But hey what do I know, I only smoked the shit in high school really and a few times when it was necessary for the situation I was in.
  14. senorlou
    Hi S Cloud. If you have BPD, have you been treated for it? I see you're treating yourself for it - I've been guilty of the same thing for depression. I understand how you feel the sober life is lame. Sounds to me from what you wrote that you're a little confused. Seems like part of you wants to keep on with what you've been doing, and not get judged for it (that's sadly an impossibility for almost all of us). Another part of you might be thinking of slowing down a little? If I'm wrong let me know.

    You spoke of a pretty heavy drug habit - you're into a bit of everything. That's common. But part of you seems concerned - you care but you don't care. Well, not that you asked for my advice, but perhaps you should feel good about caring about your drug use. Maybe it isn't helping you. You mentioned women, hopefully good ones.

    Have you gotten treatment for your BPD? They can give you drugs too that might make you feel a lot better than you do now (they will also probably be addictive and dangerous), and if you don't want to be sober you might want to take a look at what psychiatry has to offer, if you haven't already.

    Sounds like you might benefit from a change in your life. Maybe some good professional treatment - you might have to shop around for that. You aren't going to get full blown treatment for BPD online here, but hopefully you have some access to it. It's just a thought. I can relate to what you say about sobriety. I'm currently trying it, and sometimes I fall back, but I keep on pushing through but it's hard and sometimes I wonder if I'm better off sticking with what I was doing before. I guess we all have ambivalent feelings about what we do.

    Anyway, I hope you feel better and find some relief and happiness either way. Stay safe!
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