"Is there such thing as making progress without having struggles?" This is a question I'm asking myself here at 8:21 am on a cold December morning here in Washington.
These days can be so drab for me. I've fallen into a pit of depression. You know, the type that feels like you're dreaming that you're drowning in black liquid... trying your hardest to come up for air but no matter how hard you try you're just not strong enough. That's how my brain has been feeling lately.
What I've been learning is that maybe recovery never ends. Although I must add that I have been suffering from a severe anxiety disorder and major depression since I was a child. The fact that I have no means to treat it affectively (by seeing a doctor) at this time has to be one of the hardest parts of it all for me. I need someone to talk to, to help me through this. I need to not burden my boyfriend by giving him the job of being my psychologist, caretaker, and supporter of my mental health. That is certainly not his responsibility. Sometimes I feel foolish and ashamed for bringing others into my life when I suffer so much in my own head.
A lot of the time when I'll mention that I do have these mental disorders to a friend they'll be like "What?! You don't seem like you do!" Which is because I, like many I'm sure, hide that shit! Of course I don't want to bring people down, but also I don't think they'll understand.
There's so many factors that go into my mental health. For instance, I had these problems before I became an opiate addict, and now I still have those mental problems... and am recovering from an addiction that was a major part of my life. I feel like it's made my depression and anxiety much worse.
As winter settles in I realize how much it affects depression. The biggest hurdle of life has been simply getting out of bed in the morning. It's so hard. Why is it so hard? Why do I fear so much? It's astonishing the impact that events and my own mental imbalances can have on my life.
There is a light shining through though. I can sense it. I will overcome this. It's just hard. I need a nap.
Wishing you folks all the happiness in the world. A positive blog will be coming up soon!
Let me know how you cope with the blues, I'd love to hear some suggestions.