Some of the core text is a direct lift from that thread. It reflects my feelings.
I'm in a very empathic phase of PAWS at the moment. Sorry. Leaves me rambly.
We -DON'T- need the self important, linear thinking, medicate them to buggery and back, non-listening types I've had assigned to me.
I'm curious too as to why more and more things come to the surface with each day. My synaesthesia has come back!. Why did I mask it for so long, what was the trigger?. Now I can control it, music looks fucking beautiful. It doesn't come on with street noise, just music.
Why the fuck have I been denied that beauty, or did I deny it myself?.
If I'd had a life without opiates, without prescription drugs either, could someone have guided me toward control?. I know speed didn't kill it. I know psychedelics didn't. Was it the opiates?, was it the nasty stuff they pumped in me which seared my brain and cost so much. After I was sectioned and pumped full of nasty head altering brain-burny sedatives and whatever, the light show left. The addiction remained. Untreated. Just like the root cause.
I know it first terrified me. It came just before my first ride on the manic depression rollercoaster. Terrified me. Welcome back.
For me personally I need someone to understand that I am torn up inside , and can't utilise my intelligence when it comes to many things. I can't communicate. Words are too slow when spoken. My usage of cannabinoids for some reason it is a grey area in my head when it comes to right and wrong. I feel like the chemical makeup and connections in my brain are forever changed, and it takes on a separate identity when it comes to choices around drugs . I am scared to deal with everyday life, desire, disappointment and difficulty without reaching for a crutch. I am pissed at myself for being that way, so I have a real desire to change, but need a professional willing to really dig deep and help me discover and repair things I may not even see yet.
I am pissed that I am screaming inside through fear, frustration and rage at myself.
I am pissed that painkillers don't work and I've broken my elbow.
I am pissed that I have had a number of grande mal and petit mal episodes THAT TERRIFY ME since quitting. No-one has the answer and I feel no-one is looking for the answer because I USED TO TAKE OPIATES. NOTICE THE FUCKING TENSE. Fix me, and I'll go back to work. Help me fix myself and I'll go back to work.
Put another fucking plaster on another fucking mental artery and when it comes undone, 50/50 I'll relapse worse. 100% I'll relapse.
Where does that leave us!. Scared and scarred is where. If we knew of what we were scared, we could confront it.
D'you know, right now, I could quite happily relapse if I could afford to. I'm in PAWS up to my neck, according to my ( not that bad really ) nurse headwise.
She asked me what I'd done before when I felt like this, that wasn't illicit when my first answer was a gramme of H smoked over a day.
Previously, I've been given barbiturates as previously I've gone days without sleep. Just to give me a break.
Previously, I've been prescribed sedatives.
Instead, seroquel ( meh, it sort of works ) and my valium has been up from 6mg to 30mg. Compliance expected.
It has taken me fucking years to get from 30mg to 6mg ( was a lot higher. Oops )
When I had a humanitarian GP, rather than spiral dangerously, or keep me sedated without cause, he -trusted- me to not abuse a 6 pill Tuinal prescription. Emergency use only, and he wanted to see me after each tablet, bottle in hand.
If I spiralled up to mania, or dropped to deep lows, tuinal to murder the dreams, switch off, stop the process. Stop the patient. Wake up, event over. It worked a treat. Kept me in employment as I could attend. Kept me from my own excesses.
Kept me sane, stable and on very low doses of librium. No opiates at that time as I could deal with it.
Seem to remember that bottle of six lasting about a year.
Changed doctor to a real twat. No more sedatives, take this, this, that and this and it's all in the head dismissal.
I became desperate and fell back to opiates.
What do we NEED?.
To be listened to would be a start. To be heard would be better. Some empathy and trust would be good. I and a lot of people know what works for us. We know what we need, we know what we want, and we know what we don't want. We can be expert patients. We know our bodies and quite a bit of our minds. The doctors don't.
The fastest way for them to get to speed with us is LISTEN and TALK -WITH- us. Not to us or at us.
If you got this far, well done!
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