At the beginning of my budding career as a journalist, my goal was to write headlines for the New York Post. I never made it there, but have written, and appreciated novel, clever or quirky headlines all of my life. When appraising some of the headlines written today, I've also played a little game in my head of responding to them. These are all real headlines I've come across on MSN, Huffington Post or Buzzfeed, and I couldn't resist writing down my first response to them.
Cat Missing For Over A Year Found In Pet Food Warehouse
"What does a 200 lb. cat say? 'Leave me be, muther fucker.'"
Men Try To Find The G-spot
"Nope, that's the F-spot. Oops, missed it. Now you're at the H-spot."
Man Has Sinking Feeling About His Boat
"Glub, glub, glub."
Plus-size Vlogger Barred From Trying On Sweater At Walmart
"Stretch marks on a sweater? Hell no, watch me bust a knit!"
Woman's Fitbit Knows She's Pregnant Before She Does
"OK, smarty, is it a boy or a girl?"
11 People Who Are So Fucking Wrong It's Not Even Funny
"I have a list here, too, at Drugs-Forum."
Teenagers Are Much Better At Snapchat Than You
"Probably. Er, what's Snapchat?"
What Level Of Southern Are You?
"California. I've been living on the Gulf Coast for 9 years and still suffer culture shock."
14 Reasons Working Out On Your Period Is The Devil's Work
"Throwing pitchforks at men?"
62 Breathtaking Images From Rio De Janeiro's Carnival
"31 women standing on the beach side-by-side sans bikini tops?"
Reasons You Should Be Proud Of Yourself
"Uh, uh, uh... Dammit!"
We Tried Edible Lingerie For Valentine's And It's Absolutely Horrifying
"OMG, you bit my dick!"
Sex At The Beginning Of The Relationship Vs. After One Year
"Never had one last that long."
Apparently The Wi-Fi In The White House Is Crap And Annoys The Obamas
"Even the First Family has to wait for those damned AdChoice ads to load?"
Things I Learned When I Decided To Start Eating Vegetables
"I fart a lot more."