Well, it has been a bit rough this month. I just got done having my third surgical procedure in the last 30 days, and I am truly hoping that it is the last one. I hurt so fucking bad! I am pretty much a solid bruise from my waist to my knees, and this last procedure was done a week ago today. My balls were swollen up to the size of fucking grapefruits and it felt like I was pissing ground-up glass for the first two days after I got back. It appears that the hernia damage was a bit greater than expected, and I was under the knife for a little over 90 minutes, but it is fixed now. Thank the Gods! Medically, all that I have left to do is the endocrinologist tests and then I am done-assuming that they do not find anything there! And for what? Nothing they have found or done has helped, so I am on my own again in finding out exactly how to live with a bit of quality of life. It is about as I expected it would be-you want something done, you have to do it yourself. I will do all of the research, work out a method of what works best for me, put it into effect, and then wait and see. Add or subtract as necessary until I reach a state that is acceptable to me.
The good news? Well, I did it all without resorting to the use of any additional pain meds. The surgeon said he would give me some 5 mg oxys for the post-op pain and I just laughed at him. I told him that I was taking upwards of 90-100 mg a day of oxys, in addition to the fent, the opana, and the dilaudid, and I doubted that 5 mg of oxy would make much of a mark, but be all means, prescribe away! Something else I can toss into the emergency drug box, I guess. I had to explain about my recent tribulations in beating back this prescription pain med habit, and then he finally understood. I have made this decision already-I will suffer the pain before I go back to a drug habituation. Although I had not considered fully the fact that surgery HURTS, I made it through and stuck to my plan. No additional narcotics unless ABSOLUTELY necessary! I doubled up on the buprenorphine, from 2 mg to 4 mg, for the first few days post-op, but went back down to the normal dose after the first few days.
A situation such as this will really test ones resolve! It would have been so much easier to drown the pain with the pills, but I know where that leads. I have to wonder-am I going over-board on this? Do I fear my addiction so much that I would willingly embrace pain rather than treat it with drugs? Or is it just myself that I fear? Do I fear the fact that I might not be able to stop if I get started again? Do I not trust my will power and resolve? I suspect that the true answer lies somewhere in between. I know I can do it, because I have done it before, so it can't be that. I know that, when used properly, narcotics can be quite useful in controlling pain. So what am I afraid of?
I'm afraid of me. To paraphrase a bit-Drug addict, know thyself! I know myself VERY well, and I know what I am capable of. I am intimately familiar with my process of justifications, excuses, and reasons.
The only way to win is not to play the game. If I give in just a bit, just a fraction, I open the door. No, I firmly believe that the only way for me to be secure is by not allowing ANY additional narcotics over what I am already on. I worked hard for this, and I will not piss it away because of a little pain. OK, a lot of pain! But the body does not remember yesterdays pain, all it knows is today's. So it truly IS one day at a time right now! All I have to do is deal with the pain today. Yesterday is done and tomorrow never comes. Or, to put it a different way-This too, shall pass.
Lets see, what else has been going on. The vacation was a mixed bag. I personally wrote off that area and the majority of the people in it a long time ago, but the wife was still hanging on to memories. Well, that is over and done with. I finally got her to see the truth-our old "friends" were just a bunch of tweakers and nothing has changed in the years that we have been away. The community has dried up and shriveled away and the "friends" are still spun. Nothing at all has changed. I think what brought it all home to her was when we went and visited one of her oldest friends. We stopped by to say hello and visit, and within the first 15 minutes, this "friend" (who was spun TIGHT!) was asking if we had any dope, did we want any dope, did we have cash, and could she borrow some and pay it back in a few days. I just looked at the wife and shook my head, as in "I told you so. Nothing has changed!" So, we are finally done with Arizona for good. I told the wife that we would have our son and his family moved the hell out of AZ within the next 6 months or so, and if she ever wanted to see her mother again, I would fly her out to see us, rather than go back down there.
The wedding that we were going down there for got canceled at the last minute. More fucking tweaker games! The wife's nephew decided a couple of days before the wedding that he was not ready, so he hooked up with some other tweaker bitch and hid out. The son of a bitch did not even have the courtesy to tell the woman he was supposed to marry that he wanted out, he just took off and never showed up. My personal opinion is that if you are a grown man, you can do whatever the hell you want to, but there are proper ways to go about it. You do NOT just bail out! At least have the courtesy to contact the woman and say that the wedding is off. No, this piece of shit just ran away. The really funny thing is that they are all in a very small town, so it is impossible NOT to see each other! He is running around with this whore, while the other woman (who has his kids, no less!) has to stand there and watch. I no longer have any respect for this scum. The sad thing though is that this woman who he was supposed to marry seems like a very nice person. From my limited contact with her and from what others we know have said about her, she is a genuine keeper. We keep in contact with her and have written the nephew off.
Other than that, the vacation was uneventful. It was a long drive, but we stopped on the way down for the night in New Mexico, so it was not as bad as it could have been. Got to see the grandkids, which is all I really cared about to begin with. I took some of my MMJ down there with me, and it was a bit hit. We were sitting around with some friends and relatives when I busted out, and I casually loaded a huge bowl with a strain called Ice Widow and lit it up. I got one comment on the taste and not much else was said until after the pipe had gone around a few times, by which time it was too late. My son's friend tried to stand up and fell over, people were stumbling around stoned out of their gourds, and it was pretty funny. I brought home some local AZ weed and a bunch of seeds that my son had been saving for me for next year's crop, just to see if I can produce a quality strain from local product. We finally called it quits and packed up to leave and I decided to change the route back, so we ended up staying for an extra day, which gave the wife more time with the grandbabies, so everybody was happy. The ride home was a bit of a trial, we came back via state highways (rather than the interstates) and went through several state parks and national forests, so it added about an extra 5 or 6 hours to the total travel time, but it was worth it.
As I have mentioned before, my grandma died a few weeks ago. She was 93 and was in end-stage Alzheimers, so it was actually a blessing. However, even though you prepare for the day, when it finally comes, you are still wrecked. My mother, even though we have been getting ready for this event for quite a while now, was devastated. The funeral went well and she was getting back on track, and then received word that a close cousin of hers had died as well. 24 hours later, word came in that yet another close cousin had life threatening surgery was not expected to pull through, so the family is on chaos right now. 4 deaths in the family in less than 60 days, and they were all "close" relatives, so moms is pretty flustered right now. She is all alone there, except for her church people. She is a devoted christian (I don't know which flavor of christianity she practices, but she is very devote.) and the church is like family to her, so she will be looked after. I called the pastor (unbeknownst to her, of course!) to make sure that he was fully aware of the situation, and he said that she would be looked after and checked up on frequently, at least until this current time of difficulty has passed. I even offered to move back up there, or move her down here, but she said no.
Both of my daughters have got their driving permits, so now I get to worry about that! The youngest already got busted by the po-po's too. It seems that she was at a party and a "drunk friend" needed a ride home, so her and her girlfriend loads this clown up to give him a ride home. She gets the guy home and starts back, and then they decide that they are hungry, so they head over to MacDonalds and park in the lot to wait for it to open. Well, it opens at 4 AM, and at 3:45, a cop rolls up on them. Now, they are sitting in a parked car with the motor turned off in a public parking lot in the very early hours of the morning, and the cop decides to check them out. That is reasonable, I think! Well, he claims to have smelled alcohol (what cop wouldn't, in a situation like that!), so he gets them out of the car and has them blow, and she blew a .024. Here in Colorado, impaired is .08, but for teenagers it is only .02, so she was "legally intoxicated". Hell, .02 is like 16 ounces of beer in an hour! I was willing to be reasonable, or as reasonable as one can be when gotten out of bed at 4:00 AM in order to go and collect one's child from the police, but the cop was acting like a dick, so I had to bust him off a little. He was trying to give her a DUI, threatening to impound the car, and in general, he was acting like a total power-mad small-town cop who had a couple of teenaged girls scared and was enjoying the hell out of himself. Needless to say, that did not go over very well with me. It ended up with additional officers being called and this piece of shit and I had a nice discussion with the chief. This fool tried to play the "I'm a cop and everything I do is right" card with me and it blew up rather badly in his face. We will go to court on the 6th of next month and I will get her out of most of this. She will still have the ticket, but I can make the DUI go away, so it was a lesson learned at a reasonably small price for her.
School starts again tomorrow for both of them, and I think we are all a little bit happy! My oldest daughter and her husband just got a foreign exchange student from Germany for a year, so that is pretty cool. The young lady is named Hannah and is from southern Germany, I believe. She will be going to high school here with my two youngest girls, so at least she will not be coming into this totally blind! The son-in-law has a sister who also has two foreign exchange students this year, one from Germany and one from Chechoslovakia, so we will have quite a few foreigners living with the family for the next year. Just another day in the life of a simple man!
So, even though the month is only about 2/3 of the way over, it has already proven to be fairly exciting! I wonder what tomorrow will bring?