At this moment I feel a little better than I have in the past year or so. I have accepted that my life is in turmoil, and I know that things will get better one day. I have to see my probation officer in 2 days and if they piss me then I am going to jail.....I am only dirty for weed. They do not care what you fail for but it's not like I'm strung out on heroin or meth like the majority of people on probation/parole here. I am not even nervous about it. If it happens, it happens. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with things but it is what it is......my life would not be where it is if it weren't for the choices I have made. I forgive everyone that has done me wrong and also hope the people I've done wrong can forgive me. I have felt like I was crazy because I have gone through a lot of shit in the past few years and anyone I try to tell my problems, what was happening to me, or why I felt like I felt either did not understand or would make me feel like I was completely insane. I have learned that I do not need to explain anything to anybody......I will no longer tell anyone my deepest thoughts since not many understand anyway. I have felt so alone. I have been locked up most of the time between 3/2014 and 6/2015 and the last couple months I had to do I didn't hear from anyone. No letters, nothing. It hurt so much but I believe it has made me stronger because I now realize that when it comes down to it no one will be there for you....it is only you.....and I realize that I can make it on my own (maybe not financially but mentally). I have spent many nights in the past year and a half crying myself to sleep. I can no longer do this. I realize that people aren't going to feel the same way about me as I do about them. I feel like I do too much for way too many people who wouldn't even write me a letter in jail or accept a phone call. No more. I can't continue to stretch myself too thin. I need peace and tranquility and I can't achieve that having to worry about everyone else. It is time for me to be happy.
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