Realisations and Revelations
In everyone's life there are certain marked events, those that perhaps change us in some way, stick with us as important, commemorate, mourn, celebrate. These are the ends of eras, beginnings of new chapters, moments of significant change. Your first day of school, your first job, your wedding day, your 18th Birthday, the birth of your child, the first time you popped your cherry, the moment you came out to your parents and maybe even the first time you tried your DOC. Whether positive or negative these are the chapter headings of your life's story.
The idea of turning points can also be applied to your drug use: first time you tried drug X, first time you bought, first time you tried a ROA. The most profound of all these turning points is the realisation that you're an "addict" (see previous blog for discussion) or that you've become someone you never expected to be. These revelations can be startling and I had one just now triggered by a short inoffensive comment I read on a thread.
This got me thinking, what has caused those shock "what have I become" moments. There are few that come to mind:
1. The Breakdown
The phone rings. One response is to pick up the phone. If you happen to be busy then you might let it ring out or if it's someone you don't want to speak to, you might decline the call. These are all reasonable reactions. On the 28th January at around 1am, the phone rang and I did not have a reasonable reaction.
In fact, I screamed uncontrollably and quickly threw the phone at the wall, smashing it. I then paced back and forth, back and forth whilst hyperventilating, heart racing with palpitations staring down and shaking as I walked in cold sweat. I soon came to a stop in the corner of my dealer's flat where I then sat down on the hardwood floor and curled my knees to my chest. I was only wearing a pair of shorts for some reason so I cuddled my legs and rocked back and forth. People soon arrived at the flat in a rush, the phone had been ringing again and again on the other side of the room. The tried to communicate with me, but I didn't speak or move. I stayed in this catatonic silent stupor for about three hours I think (I don't remember exactly), I then shifted onto my side still curled up and slept until about 10am, when I awoke frozen. I looked in the mirror and I couldn't see myself. The person staring back was pasty grey-skinnned with bloodshot eyes and sores on their face. Their lips were cracked but worst of all, they were skeletal, gaunt, with ribs protruding and sunken cheeks - absolutely skin and bone. Of course, it was me in the mirror.
That's when I realised I was a meth addict.
2. The Frenzy
Every tweaker remembers what happens 'that time you ran out'. I went into a complete frenzy and tore my flat apart, broke things, scrambled and screamed trying to find a shard. Just one, because I just really needed it just one more time. I posted on here about it: https://drugs-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=284189. Reading it the next day was quite a wake-up call.
That's when I realised that I wasn't in control of my mind.
3. The Failure to Function
So long as we're able to keep the important things ticking along as before, then it's all still okay. You might miss the cinema with a friend or be late for drinks but you go to work everyday like a functional adult. Then one time I crashed out unexpectedly after a binge and didn't set an alarm. I was four hours late for work when I awoke. Previously I had always made sure my use had never interfered with work. It was the one thing keeping me in check.
That was when I realised I was not a "functional addict".
4. The Warning
This is the one that happened a few moments ago. I was reading a thread I had subscribed to and the comment referred to one of the positives about Drugs Forum, it said roughly:"Sometimes I'll read a post that sounds like a horrific experience and it acts as a good deterrent or warning against ever touching that drug". I first nodded to myself and remembered a couple of tragic stories I had read from addiction journals and had then thought to myself: "Woah, that's scary. I will never go near that drug". I completely knew what the poster meant. Some tales show you the real horror of a drug and it puts you off using it.
Then suddenly I realised that I was that warning. My tales were a deterrent. People must read my story and think the same that I thought. Sympathy - yes, pity - maybe but also detachment, those thoughts of "that will never be me" or "I'll never become someone like that". I received a really lovely message on one of my posts about how I ended up a meth addict, it said my story was 'painful to read'. So I've become a warning, a lesson to be learnt from, an example of the mistakes not to make.
This was when I realised I was a meth addict who was not in control of his mind, unable to function properly, and worst of all I was the exact person I promised myself I wouldn't never become..