Old writing from my very earliest days of recovery...the morning after a relapse...finally getting some of my old handwritten journal entries typed up
This one is entitled, "Reclaiming the Crown," and is about taking a stand and coming against the enemy to say "I have had enough and I choose this day to serve the One who sent His Son to die for ME!" The beauty in this that I can see looking back is that I still relapsed again after this was written, and AGAIN He picked me back up, dusted me off and LOVED ME through it. He knows our heart...He knew I would fall again, and still He stayed by my side. Like a parent who is watching their child learn to walk...allowing them to fall and make mistakes and work through them and learn from them....but when frustrations mount or boo boos occur, allowing them to feel it for a moment before swooping in to gather the child in their arms and comfort them so that they come to know that life is not always easy but mama and papa are always there...
The Lord is a consistent and loving parent and wonderful and mighty...He KNOWS our deepest darkest fears, our inner most struggles, when we finally allow Him to break the chains of bondage that are holding us in sin miracles HAPPEN. When we allow Him to come into our lives and LOVE US through what ever mess we are in the results are undeniable.....I promise you won't regret it.
DAY ONE DAY ONE STARTING OVER AGAIN...
The words of Alanis Morrisette echo in my head this morning as I wonder why, when wht?
WHY? do I have such a tendency to resist change so much?
WHEN? will I finally let go of the old "quick it hurts, make it stop!" mentality and just learn to TRUST God like I know I need to?
WHAT? is it going to take?
HOW? much more must I lose before I finally stand firm, square up my shoulders and declare:
I think I am done getting high....THINK?!?! Why think? Why not just BE done?
FEAR is setting in...but fear of what exactly? Fear of failure fear or loss fear of more pain?
Or maybe, just maybe:
FEAR OF SUCCESS?
What? Who fears success? Have you gone mad? Why should I of all people fear success?
Maybe because if I get it right, I will prove to the infamous "THEM" that I am capable of doing it...and then what? They are going to expect it, and THEN what happens when I fail?!?!? Then they will really notice my faults and shortcomings, my brokenness, my HUMAN-ness...You see, if now one ever sees me really do WELL, then my failure is not so obfvious, if my heart is closed off to love, real love, it can never truly be broken, if I just let my eyes remain closed I never have to face the truth. It is so much easier jsut to stay broken, to just remain the same...it is safe.
I am sure you have all heard the sayings, "A beautiful disaster," or "A hot mess," I have heard myself and others use these terms to describe me often in my life. I have always been what you could describe as a walking contradiction, it is what I have become a pro at, playing whatever role I need to play to be accepted and 'loved.'
I AM SO TIRED OF FAKING IT
I have perfected failure, the masks I wear and being 'that girl,' but I am so tired of pretending to be someone I am not, I am tired of being "her." God I only wish that truly knew how to just be, ME...Amber Lea, the perfectly imperfect child of a King.
How many times have I consoled my sisters in Christ, lifting their chin and telling them, "chin up Princess, your tiara is slipping, don't be sad, do you have any idea just how LOVED you really are?"
Why then is it so difficult for me to believe the same applies to me? Am I not also a Princess? A bold, beloved, beautiful Princess Daughter of the Most High, Lord God Almighty? Why do I count myself as unworthy when deep inside myself I KNOW the TRUTH?!?
Satan, I take back my crown and right now I reclaim my rightful place at my father's side and you are no longer allowed to rule and reign in my life. I choose today to be the day that i stand firm and declare that I have had ENOUGH of your schemes! I will not be robbed any longer of my dignity, my happiness and most importantly my LIFE! I have given you enough years of my life, I have paid in more than enough heartache and sorrow and I have felt enough pain. My DEBT was CLEARED when Jesus Christ died on Calvary's Cross FOR ME and I know that He would do it all over again if He had to because He LOVES ME that much! I claim that His death was a one time payment IN FULL and NO SIN can take that from me. I will no longer believe the lie that I am not good enough or not worthy because the word says that I don't have to be perfect I just have to believe! I AM a new creation in Christ Jesus, and I am made righteous through Him. It is by HIS BLOOD that I am REDEEMED and counted not only worthy and blessed. I WILL PRAISE HIM, though the rains will come, I will PRAISE HIM STILL! Because He BENDS DOWN to LISTEN I will pray as long as I have breath! (Ps 116:2)
THANK YOU LORD for loving me, thank You JESUS for saving me, thank You that You NEVER LEAVE ME, that Your GRACE will ALWAYS COVER ME and your arms will always HOLD ME. YOUR LOVE ALONE Oh Lord is ENOUGH, Your love is all I need and because of You I don't ever have to be LONELY. Thank You Lord that in YOU I finally get to KNOW ME.
What a grand adventure what a rush what a thrill, ohhh the wonder? It makes me want to shout from the rooftops praises to Him! Praise Praise to the Lord Most High! King of All Kings, Name Above All Names, El Shaddai! Elohim, oh Lord my GOD!!!
HALLELUJAH, PLEASE FAN THIS FLAME!
Lord You alone know my heart, my very soul, my mind, I choose this day to TRUST YOU GOD, I am so sorry for the times I gave up and was weak, for the times I did not put my trust in You I repent. Thank You Lord that all along You were right there, arms stretched wide, calling me to lie on Your breast and find comfort there, and to think, I ran the other way! Forgive me Father for seeking comfort every where but You, thank You that You do not stop waiting for me to fall back into the safety of Your arms or chastise me for my lack of faith; but rather embrace me and hold me in even my darkest hour.
Help my lack of faith Lord, show me Lord who I really AM, who YOU Oh God intended me to be! Thank You Lord for the sneak peeks and previews of what YOUR LOVE looks like, I am so hungry for more of You! Guide me Lord and help me learn to ACCEPT rather than FEAR Your Plan, I know Oh God that YOUR plan for me is never for harm! You speak life into me, into the silliest places of my heart, and make me laugh with joy unspeakable! You turn everythign to Your Glory Lord! Even those silly things I have running through my head You turn into an opportunity for me to learn more about YOUR HEART for me. You use everything Papa, to give me just what I need in the moment I need it! THANK YOU!
God You are GOOD! You are mercififul and mighty and wonderful and I am SO VERY THANKFUL that You are MINE! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Thank You Lord for the gifts You have placed within me! Thank You Lord for the people You have placed in my life that never stopped praying for me! Thank You God for BELIEVING in ME! Even when I was not sure whether or not I still believed in YOU!
Thank You Lord that You DO hear my prayers and my cries for help when I fall! Thank You Lord that You KNOW all of my inner most desires! You are the Lord my God and I DO!!! I DO LOVE YOU! Yes Lord, I Do love You and YES, I will LET You LOVE ME!
You may have to help me along the way from time to time, but I know You understand...You see God, it is just that Your Love, it can be a bit overwhelming for a girl like me. I tend to get awestruck and stupified because I don't know how to react or what to say, but I say to You now, YES LORD, PLEASE show me what depth there is in Your love! Please, show me how YOU intended it to be.
Let me feel YOUR ARMS around me when I am lonely, let it be Your voice alone I hear when I am lost and need direction. Give me confirmation, Lord, you know me, I doubt myself and often get distracted easily. Sometimes You are going to have to use big bright flashing lights, neon signs, bells whistles, something shiney, whatever it takes Lord, GET MY ATTENTION and guide my feet.
Yes, I know I know, be careful what I ask for...but I am CHOOSING to follow YOU, I am CHOOSING to TRUST Your plan...RIGHT NOW. YOUR WILL not my own be done Oh God, I am choosing to walk in obedience, whatever that my look like. I just need You to be loud and clear on the directions, God. Leave me no room for error, show me and guide me oh Lord...
Father, I need a big, fat, double or triple confirmation as to what steps to take next. Where am I to go? What changes do I make first?
OKAY, ALL OF THEM, I get that, but seriously I am a little scared here, I need to know You won't let me down. Please God, I am counting on You, please don't let me down...I know I know You never have before, okay, yes...okay, Yes LORD, I DO TRUST YOU. Please clearly guide my feet, You point em and I will move them, fair enough?
AHHHHH NOW I AM EXCITED AND A LITTLE IMPATIENT TO SEE THE FUTURE YOU HAVE FOR ME!
Yes, Lord, I know patience is a virtue...please he-wait hahaha Oh NO You don't! AGH! You are sneaky, You always get me with that one God...Okay fine...we can do the patience lessons...just go easy on me okay?