so been a while I guess, 62 days clean now. Yet it feels a lot longer and not in a bad way. In a really good way. In a way that makes me feel strong. The time hasnt dragged for me or been plagued with cravings and depression - in a way I may be waiting for that to happen - but Im not waiting to hard so that it does if that makes sense, just so that i can catch myself if I feel myself falling. But I dont think that will happen. Honestly. Ive had enough of the bullshit.
I guess I started this game when I was 19 the addiction I mean, drugs I was 14. But heroin 19 - that is nearly 17 years ago. In 17 years I have had 4 years clean (plus 2 months! whey!) Its like all the stuff Ive learned about addiction and letting it go and how to stay off, and all that CBT stuff reversing the negative thinking has finally clicked into place. I have always had the tools to do this. My relapse was about finally facing the abuse I suffered as very small child and finally standing up to heroin on my own terms in my own time. Not because I had been sent to prison for a year. That wasn't my choice, although it was an easy way to get clean, one day I was using (iv'ing) heroin the next I wasn't - simple as that. I was on 100mg methadone when I went into prison and a nice slow long taper (2years) was pretty simple and straightforward and dare I say it *easy* but it was also bullshit, and didn't give me the tools or the satisfaction of finally beating heroin, and it made me complacent.
I was abused by a family member when I was 5 - sexually. I have memories of events and things happening and nothing too graphic, but I always doubted those memories, and never really believed in myself. My nan knew about what was going on, and because of the things she said to me then (I was called a 'dirty little slut') I got really confused in my head and didnt trust the memory - why would anyone call a 5 year old that or think that - I think because of this i convinced myself it couldnt be. I have thought about it a lot since I got flashbacks when I was 13. I was angry, angry at the person who did it, acting like it never happened, and I felt I carried the burden alone. even though I didnt remember or trust the memories i had, my thoughts would return to the abuse. And I didnt know how to deal with it or confirm it or clarify it. I didnt know how to get closure. My nan died 4 months before I relapsed on Heroin in 2013. I think part of the relapse was to do with this happening. I never thought Id confront the abuser, but I could have talked to her. Although I lost both of my nans in the same week, and it was the first major life event Id hit clean, so could have contributed although Im pretty matter of fat about death, it happens right, and grandparents die, followed by parents thats kinda the way this shit works right? we live, we die. (its when it messes up and kids go before parents that id get stuck). But anyway, my nan died and with her so did my answers. I think this was a big contribution to my relapse.
But if it was a big contribution to my relapse then dealing with it was a massive contribution to my recovery. Late last year I decided I had to confront my abuser. The facts are I was 5 he was 13. I never considered the abuse malicious, just a curious kid with learning difficulties in a strict upbringing with older parents. It wasnt so much the abuse that messed me up, but the confusion and the being let down by my nan, and not believed by my mother. These factors hurt me more, and not believing in myself because of it. I dont know if that makes sense, but I carry a strong sense of 'justice should be done' if only that is acknowledgement of the wrong.
Anyhow, I confronted the abuser via secure email and to my surprise the person admitted the whole thing, immediately like he was waiting for it. apologised, told me he had wondered if it contributed to my drug use. The weight of it just lifted it was odd. I had the power to forgive him. so I did. I made it clear I didnt want to take it any further. I just wanted to know what I knew was right. I took back control. Just as I have now taken back control from Heroin.
And since detoxing, its like even Heroin has gone away, I dont crave it. Its like it knows I dont need it anymore. If I can confront and deal with that abuse then why would I need heroin. What can hurt me more than carrying the effects of sexual abuse followed by 31 years of seeking out destructive controlling relationships? What more can Heroin really do for me? Nothing, and even she knows that now.
Yes I have taken back the reins of my own life. And now all I want to do is help others do the same.... But I also know that it isnt something everyone can do right away. You have to find the reason, and you have to sort it, or find a way to deal with it, or fill the gaps. You have to make changes in your life, real big lifetime changes. You have to be able to be happy. Forgive, yourself, or whoever, let it go, dwelling on shit isnt healthy, the past is gone, there is nothing we can do but change and control the future, even if control is an illusion, because none of us do know what will happen next, but we can try.
And letting yourself be happy is the biggest step you can take. Loving and letting yourself be loved, because if you made it through and lived to tell the tale then you deserve it. damn right. YOU DESERVE IT!!!
Right sleep for me!