1. AllAroundTheLight
    I find myself at a crossroad intersection in my life. What's strange is that it feels so vague and undefined. I know I'm at some sort of crossroad, but I'm frozen a bit at the thought that there are infinitely many different paths that diverge from here. I wish I could see it as 2 more easily. Perhaps that's where having faith comes in. I guess I can have "faith" that 2 "sets" of paths are available to me to explore.

    One involves drugs (of abuse) and alcohol. The other set of paths don't. Throughout the last 5-6 formative years of my life, drugs have settled into my life, quite (uncomfortabley) comfortable at times! I won't go through how and why it is so easy for me to say that the drugs haven't gotten in the way of success.

    I think success is relative not only to where the individual begins, but to the experiences that one goes through. In other words, 3 years ago, I was successful if I was able to get good grades in college. Now, I re-evaluate that. I have done it already, changing nothing and continuing to get good grades is no longer successful because it's not like I'm accomplishing something I haven't already proven I could before.

    I'm unhappy, isolated, self-centered and afraid. I'm also a good person that has the capacity to be empathetic to others. Things have felt this way for a long enough period of time to where I can say that yes, I am at a crossroads. There needs to be a conscious effort to change my lifestyle in ways that will undoubtedly provoke discomfort. Yet there will be no way to know for sure what lies beyond this discomfort without having to dive right into it, embracing it for what it is, finding myself in the process.

    With that, I open the cabinet that has become my personal pharmacy. I know that based on my honesty with my doctor, I am under good medical supervision. The fact of the matter is that this supervision is not "interventional" in nature, and I should be glad that I don't have to let it get to that point. I have stockpiled enough my meds to the point....doesn't matter. I don't have to do this all today. Maybe I can do one.

    One bottle today, without opening it, knowing it's excess and that I'm only holding onto it for the apocalypse that will never come. I've compulsively made the decision to use this stuff so many times. I'm making a compulsive decision right now to flush a hefty portion of my apocalypse stock...

    That felt good. Maybe I'll do it again tomorrow.

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  1. AllAroundTheLight
    Did it again. Thought of holding on to some of the shit. But once I decided I could do without having one bottle, it became easier to consider that I could do without several more. There were easily 300+ pills that I just flushed. I still have somewhat of a stockpile though.

    That's okay. I can get rid of those another day. Soon enough, I'll be at a point where all I have on me is what I tell my doctor. Doesn't feel like I took a huge step just now towards recovery, but I allowed myself a reprieve from the obsession that characterizes drug addiction. Maybe it will feel better later on.
  2. AllAroundTheLight
    yeah, nobody's reading this but me. A way of journaling I guess.

    I'm writing this with a mind to give up on what it was I wrote about getting "clean." I find the less I think about...well, anything...things seem to just work out. I am tired of the feeling that I'm not worth it to anyone. It isn't something worth spending so much time thinking about. I don't know if what I am doing now will lead me to a state where I want to kill myself. That time will come. Just wait for the old folks to die...hell, maybe sooner...but I'd prefer not to hurt people I really care about when I go out.

    But what the fuck does it matter in the end anyway? in 200 years my suicide wouldn't really mean jack shit
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