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Redone, I want you to know

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  1. jessilee
    I am writing a blog about this as awareness, and my personal feelings towards this matter. I dont want anyone to pity me, or feel sorry that this is happening. I want people to know what is going on around them in the world. And maybe a prayer for others. I go thru many stages of emotions in one day. If you read my blog, you know how deep of a thinker I am. How I can go from ups to downs. And I always try to end on a positive. In my heart, I want to see compassion for others. Others to have empathy. And I want people to realize that there are things in life that you CAN change. Not the things that you have no control over, like the one I am going to discuss. I will break it up into two parts the facts, and my emotions to the facts. I dont feel it is fair to censor anything because it might make you feel bad, sometimes we all need to wake up and realize....we really could have it way worse. Because I know that we all face things in daily life and how we deal with them is ultimate factor of how things turn out. We can lay down and die, or we can fight our feelings in even a situation that we cant change. I wish I could remember who said it... but it was along the lines of... Your feelings are not always real. They will make you do things. Its best to not always act on impulse on a whim of feelings. You could be placed somewhere worse with a new set of problems.... anyway..

    The Facts

    In the Midwest we are experiencing record low cold. -20 with windchill on top it is supposed to be -50 on Monday and Tuesday. Yes very cold. But the horrible thing is that there is a propane shortage. Which have driven the prices so high that no one can afford it. I will explain, cause I know lots of people live in cities where you dont have to fill a giant barrel for heat.
    My tank holds 500 gallons. But the minimum the trucks will bring out is 200gallons. 3weeks ago I put in 200 gallons cause its all we could afford. Its was a high price than being $2.14 a gallon. Which was $498.00 and add some taxes.. I live in a 100 year old farm home. Not much more I dont think I can do to weatherization wise... usual plastic and lath. Well it only last about 2 and a half weeks with it still only being 62 degrees in my home. I went to order yesterday. And they told me there is a national propane shortage, and the price per gallon is now $5.30... that means for the minimum delivery that is $1060.00. I've never had that kind of money at one time. And they wont bring it out without full payment. There is no cold weather law.

    I have come up with the money now ...I refused to pay rent. Luckily my landlord understands. And said this month we do not have to pay. In 8 years I have not missed a month of rent.
    The propane is supposedly short cause farmers used it all summer drying corn...for ethanol im sure so the gas market can make even more money. The governors of MN and WI are trying to get help from president for aid...but it will be too late for most. I honestly dont understand cause I am hearing reports now that there is not a propane shortage and its just the gas companies taking advantage of the cold snap... no this of course is the conspiracy theory people. But I tend to kind of believe this. Also sadly to update there was a Natural Gas pipeline explosion from the Canada pipeline. So I am assuming prices for that are to rise soon here as well. As homes that are not heated with electric or propane are heated by natural gas. Horrible time to have this happen....


    MY EMOTIONS ON THIS, UPS, AND DOWNS, SADNESS AND A RAY OF LIGHT -KINDNESS OF A STRANGER....

    As I sit by electric stove with only 12% left in my own fuel barrel I am devastated. I think of all the money I have spent on junk. I feel like such a failure. This whole time I have been bitching about who has what, what I dont have. When really I had been spending over $500 a month on junk.... seeing that on here makes me sick even right now...
    My friend helped me get extra blankets for my walls, and for us to have when we sleep. She also came to me with a free bag...said it would make me feel better. I was so weary from worry and working 10-12 hours a day I didnt even do it.... But the next day my thoughts of how I hadn't had any drugs to carry me away from all this. Or give me the rush of brain power to find a way to get money. I have never stole a thing in my life. I have always believed God would never let me fail. Let alone die. Or my children get cold or starve. But my faith has wavered. Im weak from working. Tired from stress, so i used it would make me feel better I told myself, give me answers. I felt worse. No flood of answers. No new options came to me. Instead. I stayed awake and fucking panicked the whole time. And instead of solutions I was frantically looking for a way out. Thankfully that has passed... and im trying to stay clean. And stay away from my friend as well. And while I sit here in my home that's 56 degrees. Im trying to stay positive again.

    I found it slightly amusing at work yesterday... I was getting something from the basement and I broke a giant Budweiser mirror. .. I laughed and thought 7more years of bad luck huh??!! Can it get much worse?!?! I was yelling this at God. Cause I feel abandoned. Now I sit here and wondering if my outburst and wavering faith and relapse is going to have me struck by lightning or something crazy. I know fully well that it can get worse. Much worse.

    But the light in all this mess.... When I was working the gas station a woman came in while I was on the phone with the gas company. She heard me speaking to them as she shopped. When she came to my register she told me she was lost. And needed to go to the casino. Which I found odd cause she was over an hour in the wrong direction. She paid for her candybar with a credit card and took out her checkbook. She said... You know, I am going to go to the casino. I dont know how I got this far away when I almost went right by it. But I think I know why.. she gave me a check for a $100 and told me that she was just going to spend it at the casino, and that she was well to do and wanted to help keep my children warm.... I tried to not accept it, but she asked another customer for my name, they gave it to her. Told her that "they are good people" referring to my family. I took the check, added it to my amount. Im ready to finally pay the company tomorrow to get my fuel. $1,060.00 with the help from my landlord, my paycheck, my brother, and this woman who never met me. I am truly blessed.

    So for all of you. I wanted you to know. There are people that will likely freeze to death here in the Midwest. Pray for the families, the elderly, and the children. When you feel how hard life is getting. AlwAys know it can get worse. When things in daily life block your path, and there is no way around it, dont use to escape. The problems will be there when you sober up. You have to deal with them. There just isn't always an easy way out...

    But there is a light, a positive piece. There are strangers who care, family members, and we all can get thru the tough times that lie ahead. Or that are current. With will, courage, and a little help.

Comments

  1. jessilee
    I also want to say, I wrote a note to this woman on the check. I will be mailing it tomorrow. With my thank you for her trust in a stranger. And her selfless gesture. Prayers really do come true. Maybe not as in raining money from the sky, but in its own way.
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