(this is a post from my other blog that I wanted to share here love y'all)
Sometimes I find myself writing for no other reason than because I want to write something amazing, profound, something that will make me well known, and much liked. Those are the times I forget the real reason I am writing in the first place, and those are the writings that I never end up completing, or completely STINK. I am reminded of that quote from the Chad Varga book where he had to ask himself if he wanted the credit or the reward, why was he REALLY doing what he was doing? Was it about being famous or was it about the one soul that didn't go to hell because he shared his testimony that night?
I think on some level, we all have that desire...to DO SOMETHING, BE SOMEBODY...and often if we let ourselves get in the way, we lose sight of HIS plan for our lives and then next thing you know we are right back where we jumped track before or even worse. I know that I am guilty myself of wanting at times to be "the best" at ANYTHING, I want to be noticed, commended, loved and admired even if it was for something 'bad.' Those are natural human desires, but all too often we forget that we can't look to each other to fulfill them. Those times that we rely on anyone other than our Heavenly Father to building us up and make us feel whole again, the results are never satisfying and often leave us feeling more empty than we were to begin with.
Again, I will raise my hand and say GUILTY. One of the biggest struggles I am having lately is learning to turn to God to make me feel better about me and not to which ever boy I can bat my eyes and and make tell me I'm pretty. You may laugh, but I'm dead serious, this is worse than a drug for me. It is a good darn thing that male attention is not available in a bottle on the shelf, because I'm telling you, we'd need to build clinics because I know I'm not alone. The problem with this, is that no matter how much love they show me, it will never be enough because what my heart is really longing for can't be found in any one but God. All others will fall miserably short and in the process I would wind up hurt once again after they ran for the hills because I became that clingy, desperate parasitic creature I promised them I wasn't.
You see, when we put an unrealistic expectation on someone (such as to build us and fill us with God's love like only He is capable of) we are setting them up to fail, and when we are not feeling enough love coming from them (because we are not spending time daily with Jesus and letting HIM fill our love tank) we latch on and begin to suck them dry, we find ourselves becoming the very thing we swore we would never again be. Eventually, all of that work focusing on the person who is incapable of filling us to capacity and next thing you know you have run your self dry because you've spent so much time trying to get enough love out of your human partner, you don't even notice that it has been days since you prayed, read your word or worshiped; and now that tank is pretty close to empty and your 'host' has either been nearly drained or escaped.
These are the moments where we get stupid. All too often in my own life, I reached out and grabbed the next willing host and latched on, clinging tighter and more desperately to the new one than I had the previous, I became a professional at adaptation and playing a role to make them happy. I would completely reinvent myself to become what ever the new host wanted, I learned how to read their cues and become the best suzy homemaker, naughty nympho, innocent vixen I could be. I wanted them to brag to their friends about how perfect I was, about how I was willing to do ANYTHING they wanted and I would LOVE every moment. The problem with playing a role, is that eventually it becomes exhausting to pretend that it doesn't hurt to watch someone you love...'love' someone else, or that you enjoy being treated as nothing more than a live toy to be used and then discarded. The pain to conform and become the fantasy girl would eventually become unbearable and the beautifully painted porcelain work of art that had been custom ordered and painstakingly created would begin to crumble and they would begin to see what was behind that mask.
The truth was, I may have always LOOKED like I had it all together, but on the inside, I was falling apart. I was starving for a love that I would never find in mortal men, but had spent years allowing unspeakable things to occur in my desperate search for acceptance and love. I became so used to operating in trauma that it became normal to me, if there was not some sort of stress in my life, I would create it because 'normal' scared the living hell out of me. In fact in the very rare instance that I would happen across some guy who treated me well, I would inevitably freak out and find myself trying to run him off, or hurting him because I knew eventually he would bite back and I would feel safe in my own personal hell. There is an old saying that the hell you know is better than the hell you don't. For me, I truly believed that if I allowed myself to buy into deserving a guy treating me well and not hitting me, or just using me for sex, that eventually, right when i was happiest, the other shoe would drop and I would look like a fool for ever believing I deserved to have love and happiness. Like I said, I was a MESS on the inside; broken, beaten and barely alive.
Then one day something happened, and I will never be the same. God showed me HIS love and it literally took my breath away. My heart raced and I gasped for air, much in the way I used to do when I would inject meth, but this was different, there was not FEAR here. The high that occurs with IV meth use is in part due to the body's fight or flight response and a massive adrenaline rush, so really it is fear based. God's love was something NEW, completely intoxicating but on a whole different level and a million times better than the rush from ANY drug I've ever done. Even in small doses it is so overwhelming that it can make a room spin, a person stumble, laugh uncontrollably or even fall out completely. Once I FELT the full power of the love of our Creator, I was hooked.
Today I am learning that when I feel a little low, I am working on making wiser decisions. I am learning to reach for my Bible first and my phone after so that I let God fill me up, this way I know I'm getting the right fuel. The other problem with reaching out to people to fill our tanks is that we can't count on them to fill us up with the right fuel, after all they are only human also and broken people tend to seek comfort in other broken people and the next thing you know you have some goofball putting diesel in the gas tank and a BIG mess on our hands. Thankfully we have a wonderful savior who loves us unconditionally and understands that sometimes we are going to be that dumbfounded individual sitting at the wrong pump and turning the key, perplexed as to why her car won't start. As the master mechanic of our hearts, bodies and souls; when we admit our mistakes and need for His assistance cleaning out the sludge, He's a lot cheaper than an auto-mechanic...All we have to do is ask.
Love in Christ,