Warning: The following is the ramblings of meth enhanced mind! The thoughts shared below may seem a bit hard to follow, disorganized, and lacking in... well just lacking. (Due to the above warning the following post is a bit longer than my average size.)
Wow how life can change in an instant. One day I'm planning my summer vacations, rearranging the living room to fit my new furniture, and playing with my new kitten. Then it happened... like slow motion, I tripped over a cord in my living room, and fell braking my fall with my arm. Instead of braking my fall, I broke my arm.. and shattered my wrist. 2 weeks later I had a metal plate put in my wrist to hold it all together, permanently, and watched my Vacation in the Virgin Islands pass me by...
But I am lucky, I have great friends and family that have helped me out. And have really been there for me. Because of course, I broke my right arm, and I'm right handed. When I realized I wasn't going to go to St. Croix, I called my girl from rehab, and told her it was time to come visit.
Maybe I should back track for a minute, I have been sober since 12/26 when my "good friend" and my connect, left my house with a bit of my money to never be seen or heard from again, at least not by me. After treatment, he was the only person I could score from. Needless to say I spent 2 weeks in bed detoxing from a bad meth habit, again. But I overcame, I had things to look forward to, two vacations of a life time coming up. First a week in St. Croix (Virgin Islands) and then a month later 2 weeks in France!!!! I was the luckiest girl ever, and I overcame, until.....
My trip with Britt went well, but you know, she's my girl, from treatment, she's of my own flesh, my kid ya know, the spitting image of me at her age (and yes she will probably read this as she is my friend on DF and I hide nothing from her). Anyway, the one thing we both agreed on, that when she finally got out of treatment, and if she didn't have to go to prison, we were finally gonna party together. So the night before she was supposed to leave... I thought it was time! I put a shout out to my bff, a long shot.. but it paid off... and when I knew I was gonna score: Came the feelings of anticipation of hooking up with a lost love. My heart starts to race, my hands started to shake,,,, my skin.... and it was so amazing to be with someone who knew exactly how I felt at the prospect of scoring... We had a great 3 day run!!!!!! And no I don't consider it a "relapse" and I lose all my clean time, screw that.
So, between being in the worse place I've ever been, no use of my right arm, asking for help for showering, cleaning, cooking, it was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. I couldn't do anything, my life changed in an instant! All I could do for weeks was sit on the couch and watch t.v. After surgery I had a full arm cast, the day after I got it off, I was supposed to leave for St. Croix.... I quickly realized when I saw my arm out from under the cast, stitches still in, going to a long arm splint... that St. Croix was passing me by.... and then Britt came... and then Britt left....
But I still have France to look forward to! But first I have a convention for 4 days, 24 hours to unpack, do laundry, repack, catch a plane... wow....
I leave for the convention in 2 days, within that 2 days I have to have everything ready for both trips, 2 1/2 weeks, and what am I doing? Dope of course. I've been high since Thursday night.... yeah I've gotten some sleep here and there... but now the panic sets in!
WTF am I doing??? Am I trying to fuck up the best vacation of my life?? Really like I'm not going to have physical and psychological set backs from this.. and what, when I'm craving and going through the roughest part, I'm supposed to expect my family not to notice while we are in France. "Oh yeah sorry I just can't do it today, go see Paris without me, I'm just going to stay in my room today." Yeah right!
I try so hard (to stay clean), I really do... so.. back to Thursday
Oh wait.. back up... a little history before we go on:
My bff has been dating this guy for a minute, it's been rocky as of late, but she loves him and will be there for him. You see he did a stent in federal prison for conspiracy to distribute, and since released to probation about 2 years ago, he has been working hard to get his life together. Turns out things got rocky because of his shady behavior I quickly recognize as using again, it's soon confirmed, and yeah... soooo.....
Back to Thursday.... I hook up with my bff, and the drama begins. Her bf violated probation, her parents forbid her to see him (she lives in a house they own threatening to kick her out if she does see him), the U.S. Marshals are all over looking for her bf, including her house. So one thing leads to another, fugitives are staying at my house, but I don't care cause I'm not one of his known associates, it's really one of the only places they can be together and not have to worry about the Marshals coming, and besides, he is supplying all the dope! And who am I as a good host to say no to free dope!!
Prior to Thursday:
I knew I was doing good, cravings were gone, feeling good about my life again, but I also knew my limitations, I knew that if presented with it, I wouldn't say no. And I didn't, but I must say, he has gotten a lot of work done around my house.... you can always count on a tweaker to take on a project or two or twenty!!!!
So now, here I sit, retreating to the one place I know I can let these crazy, pathetic thoughts spew and no one is gonna judge, and if they are, I don't have to hear it or see it in thier eyes. I also know that before it's all said and done, this blog will have been edited and rewritten at least 20 times, all while my bff sits in my living room watching her bf organize an old box of wires and cords for me.
I must say though, I saw it, but I didn't want to believe it, and now I have proof when I look into her aged, sunken, pale face. That I had a hand at what has and will become of her.
Here comes the guilt (I started this blog in a panic now I've switched to guilt gotta love what drugs do for your psyche).
When I was a raging addict last year before I went to treatment, she watched me slowly spiral out of control. But she had never danced with this demon, and to hell if I was gonna let her go down the desperate path I was going down yet again in my life. And she stood by me when I got clean. Of course with any good rehab, comes a good relapse, and figured if I was gonna relapse why go alone, and like the horrible sick person I am, I handed her the pipe.
I will find out later on, that it probably would have been the end of it for her, but her bf relapsed, and she loves him and can't turn her back on him, so he starts feeding it to her, like a true addict. Now I'm seeing her going, yeah I know how you feel, remember when... yep, you know what I mean.
I am leaving in two days, I AM going to France, and he WILL get caught, and it's what she faces next that I fear for her, because I won't be here to help her, I will be a continent away. The spiral she will face, when her love is torn from her, and just when she is trying to face the loss, she'll be slapped with the pain that addiction adds to make it that much worse....
There are a few scenarios that play out in my head, none of them good, to what I will come home to, and I pray that she is not to far gone when I return, or my biggest of the fears, that I go down that spiral drain with her. Because there is only ONE way that plays out, I'm not coming back from the next spiral down this wicked path.
I hope, I pray, I find the inspiration while I'm gone that will allow me to embrace the miracle of life again, that gives me the strength and will to want a normal life. Cause if I don't find it, I'm not sure I won't find that wicked path to go down all on my own.
And here we are at the end of another sad pathetic saga again. (wow shaking my head as I reread this for the 8th time). And as most cases my reality isn't as bad as the awful twist my mind puts on it, and luckily I have my blog for an outlet (and a sick reminder).
My kitten is my god send, he brightens my day and has been such a companion as I have been recovering from my injuries, but I am doing better, I can finally type with both hands again! Two days after I had him declawed I fell and broke my arm in two places and tore everything in my wrist, karma at it's best. I am slowly gaining use back one day at a time, and predicted time frame for full recovery is a year and a half. I don't recommend this to anyone.
I only wish the best for my bff, but only she can save herself, all I can do is offer to be there for support, a shoulder to cry on when needed, and be strong enough to recognize when I'm be drawn into the spiral again, and to walk away.
And I do know how truly blessed I am for my family and friends who have all gone above and beyond in helping me after my fall. The kindness and willingness to offer help, ranging from my neighbors to complete strangers really gives me a new found belief in the human race again.
Last but not least, a thank you to those that continue to follow along, and those that support me in my fight. I am also very blessed to have you all.
(actual number of edits and rewrites - 28)