I am such at the high end right now. I will probably sound weak and coward but I think I will relapse and sometimes I wanna relapse. I just want to stop feeling this fucking way.
I haven't used drugs as in abuse or for recreational purpouse in two years. Only codeine which I took once a week.
I've quitted 170mg of methadone exactly two years ago. Stimulants three years ago. I only took a reaseach chemical three weeks ago but was a small dose and it was more of a sedative slightly empathogenic than a stimulant. It wasn't like a real relapse because I didn't want it to do it the next day or any other day after.
I have used codeine and dihydrocodeine once a week.
If someone is reading this and dosen't suffer from OCD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and borderline personality disorder or at least one of those will not really understand so if you think of judging me you better fuck off.
I wake to find myself dreaming about how I can just go out and get the high and how anxiety and all that shit feeling will be gone at least for a day. Or to watch the list of quality empathogen and stimulant shit from my local RC vendor. That is probably not a good idea, but I'll take some benzodiazepine with them, something which I haven't took in a year.
Om my fucking God I didn't abused a drug in more than a year and I've lost weight like never before!
So I hope when my paycheck is entering my card I will not go fuck myself in a drug frenzy and something will happen and I go home nice and quiet.
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