Relapsed last night. It was crazy..I found a little bag that I had from before. I remembered hiding it. I dont remember why... I do remember panic when I couldnt find it. This was awhile ago when I wasnt daily using. It only had a couple chunks in it. I of course was weak, made up some justifiable reason in my own head and used. I was down, tired from working 15 days in a row, knowing I had only one more day left before I got a day off. And maybe get some house work done. Prepare meals for the week, and maybe sometime to myself. Knowing full well that a comedown would not allow me to cook 7 full meals, package and freeze, do 6 loads of laundry, and clean the whole house. Then expect time to paint?? Or draw? Im using this as an excuse of course. Normal people do things as they come up. Or have their families help them at least.
My person is back in jail however...which hold a little bit of sadness, and grief for them and myself... But mostly I am over joyed. I wont go search things out. I just never have been that type. im not a risk taker in life usually. In my days of not using I had researched my food plan and supplements to use, I have also my own food to prepare for the week, so I can keep good control of diet. Im prepared. And hopefully had finalized it in my own head that since there is no option that is going to fall in my lap I can release the demon.
I dont know how many people relapse on their way... I know the tendency to reuse percentages are higher. But as far as first couple months... I am not sure. I have met some wonderful, caring, supportive people here at DF. I am thankful for them.. Giving their time to help. Send resources of things they have learned, encouragement. So positive. Im very thankful... Dont give up on me. Or be disappointed. I will get it right..
So excited for my day off tomorrow. Look forward to just being a mother. At home. Hugging my children.
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