Relapses and hopefully the end

By jessilee · Jan 20, 2014 · ·
  1. jessilee
    Relapsed last night. It was crazy..I found a little bag that I had from before. I remembered hiding it. I dont remember why... I do remember panic when I couldnt find it. This was awhile ago when I wasnt daily using. It only had a couple chunks in it. I of course was weak, made up some justifiable reason in my own head and used. I was down, tired from working 15 days in a row, knowing I had only one more day left before I got a day off. And maybe get some house work done. Prepare meals for the week, and maybe sometime to myself. Knowing full well that a comedown would not allow me to cook 7 full meals, package and freeze, do 6 loads of laundry, and clean the whole house. Then expect time to paint?? Or draw? Im using this as an excuse of course. Normal people do things as they come up. Or have their families help them at least.

    My person is back in jail however...which hold a little bit of sadness, and grief for them and myself... But mostly I am over joyed. I wont go search things out. I just never have been that type. im not a risk taker in life usually. In my days of not using I had researched my food plan and supplements to use, I have also my own food to prepare for the week, so I can keep good control of diet. Im prepared. And hopefully had finalized it in my own head that since there is no option that is going to fall in my lap I can release the demon.

    I dont know how many people relapse on their way... I know the tendency to reuse percentages are higher. But as far as first couple months... I am not sure. I have met some wonderful, caring, supportive people here at DF. I am thankful for them.. Giving their time to help. Send resources of things they have learned, encouragement. So positive. Im very thankful... Dont give up on me. Or be disappointed. I will get it right..

    So excited for my day off tomorrow. Look forward to just being a mother. At home. Hugging my children.

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  1. ExistentialJ
    Hi. This is quite good. The panic you talk about...I remember that panic. Reading it here - it hit me like a shovel in the dead center of my chest. The moments just prior to the relapse, for me, are the most frightening - knowing that the regret can still be avoided...but not really, right? - The first paragraph picked me up from my nice warm chair and dropped me into that fear long enough to shake a little bit.

    That was substantially good.

    I relapsed plenty along the way...I think a lot of us do, without this level of honesty. Continuing to try is what we have to come back to, I think. But I'm not sure it's ever really over, in the grand scheme, without some basic and fundamental shift of Who We Are. See, I'm not this honest, as I spend time over in the Alcohol Addiction Forum patting myself on the back, because I haven't had a drink in 17 months. Of course, I don't ever mention in the same post that it took me 5 years of burning everything in my life to the ground to put those 17 months together that I am oh-so-proud of. And you definitely wouldn't hear me mention that I've since casually replaced my horrible addiction to alcohol with an increasingly problematic addiction to methamphetamine.

    Relapse hurts - this blog made me feel that hurt (even though you didn't mention it specifically, I felt it) and the panic - and the eventual uneasy comfort of knowing there are reasons to try again another day. Really outstanding work - you wrapped it up in a way that provides that hope that we keep grasping for, even if we only get it for a day..

    I know someone who owes you more than a small apology - he's not a good guy at all, truth be told - and he's also not very smart. He does, however, carry a good deal of both shame and regret. He's not difficult to find.
  2. jessilee
    Existential J, I Seriously feel so overwhelmed and relieved by your post. I am a worrier, sensitive, and I care very much about people. And I am not ashamed to say that this online situation has caused me a sadness. I wanted your respect. I felt not good enough. When I would see your posts, I respected your opinions, your fantastic vocabulary. I wanted to be treated on your level. Not giving my own level enough credit.
    Your comment here is very deep, a different side to you, which brings me to feel something for you that I would have passed by before. You have more to offer than what you give with your given talents I mentioned before. Its a very beautiful side, even if its painful. It shows you do know how others feel. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It truly means a lot to me. I have been afraid to write since than.
    The man that wrote that comment above is a good guy, a truly good man, genuine. And gifted. Also a man that carries a big burden. But sweet, and obviously mature. A man that has to come with things at his own terms. I like, and I am intrigued by this man.... just saying that about the person in above comment. ..

    A lot of us here at the forum carry that burden. But when your as gifted as yourself I can only imagine where your pain takes you. I know where mine takes me. And its not pleasant. Thank you so much for your post. I feel so much relief. I am sorry if I come across snive, or condescending, with an empathetic looking cover. I knew what I was saying. I was trying to make you feel as badly as I felt. In a different manipulative way. I can admit it. And for that, I am sorry.

    Take care. And Thank you.
  3. ZenobiaSky
    I've learned if I change my way of thinking about something it helps with how I respond to things without all that anxieety, regret, and pain. And in my humble opinion you didn't relapse, you had a little slip, it happens, we acknowledge it, and then move on without dwelling on it. Cause really that dwelling on it thing just leads to wanting to use again. It wss just a little bumpm in your road to recovery. A true relapse isn't just a one time use. to me it's going back to using daily, the hustle, well... you know what I mean. So don't beat yourself up because there waws a little bump....your still a good person!!!
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