Background: Experience with smack is a relatively short one. It's only been 4 1/2 months (came about after a 10 year narcotic pill addiction...cliché, I know) and I think about it every day. My run of use lasts 3 days at most, then off for 5 days or more. What else is new to me is the rush of scoring. The last 2 meetings with the dealer gave me a bit of a thrill.
Is it the getting away with the crime that is a thrill? It's kind of embarrassing to admit that. Make me sound like an 18 year old kid. I am a little repulsed by myself and the immaturity of that statement. I almost always overthink my actions and things I say, I'm a terribly insecure person who comes across as confident and outspoken...few people know the truth. Oh, the cliché of it: addict who's self destructive, insecure and overly sensitive. Boring? Maybe.
So today when I met my dealer, I kind of got off on it. I am disappointed with myself at this change of feeling. Yeah, I'm still paranoid and scared of police -- I'm not overconfident, I'm very careful -- but the satisfaction of the completed deal is a small charge on it's own.
yes, I am disappointed with myself.