So...today was a first for SWIM.
SWIM did something he'd never done before...and it wasn't any particular life-changing event that made him do it...it wasn't a grand scheme or a fuck-you to the system.
SWIM went to work high.
Well, wait, back up now, cause that's not accurate really. SWIM burned some enhanced Maeng Da kratom before work.
That's not high like being stoned....but it sure as hell isn't sober.
Kratom needs its own language and descriptors. Some other heads on another forum call the act of ingesting it "burning" Kratom - because they think that makes it sound like it's incense and that makes it ok and not a drug by some fucked up standard. They're not fooling anyone, but SWIM likes the term...burning some Kratom....now the effects need a new name. It's not being high, it's not stoned, it's not k'd out, it's not rolling or tripping or faded or trashed or anything. But man is it good.
SWIM's been doing drugs of one type or another for well over a decade - but he's never mixed any kind of inebriation with school or work. Never. His highs have been strictly recreational...strictly downtime. Until now.
SWIM has a job that has taken him 8 years to land. There are approximately 20 other jobs in his field that compare, and approximately 600 hungry-for-action kids begging to take a crack at his desk for free. And he's not even near the top of the food chain...SWIM's days are long, high-pressure, and after the glory of it all fades away...completely mundane. He's approaching 32, has a growing relationship with the dry cleaner, and can't afford to fuck this shit up.
SWIM got some enhanced Maeng Da from a new supplier the other day. He's been experimenting with Kratom on the weekends for months now and he often will exclaim that he likes how FUNCTIONAL he is while still enjoying the effects. Now...a lot of what he'd read about the Maeng Da was about the energy and how people used it to get mundane tasks done, etc.
So there it was, sitting in it's bag, staring at him...and he didn't feel like waiting for the weekend. Try just a little...half a dose from what other people say they use. Think of it like a cup of coffee...shit, he has three of those before 9:30am most days. So, as he was getting ready to bail, he straightened his tie, knocked back half a teaspoon of EMD and walked on out the door.
By the time he got to work, he could feel it. And thank god he'd only done half a teaspoon. He could feel it good and strong...bright, clean, and good. Not a buzz, but slight waves of good feelings gave him a shit-eating grin that most of his co-workers met with a confused look of, "Well that's a different nEone." look.
He got work done. He wasn't muddled or distracted...just enough off-center to feel it and enjoy having a secret on a Thursday like any other.
And that's why he's pretty sure he shouldn't ever do it again.
He wants to do it again tomorrow.
And that's a bad sign. Because if he makes it through tomorrow...he knows that on Monday, he'll go for the full teaspoon....just to see. Kratom has that kind of attraction for him.
So... his toe is in the deep end. Does he jump in? See how far he can swim? Does he retreat from the brink?
He's heard of Functioning Junkies before...guys who shoot up every day and manage to maintain. Doctors hooked on ether their whole lives....who are only ever revealed when they get too old to cover their bases and clean up after themselves. Is that where he's headed? Is he a modern day version of the ruddy-faced executive with a fifth of corn-whiskey in the back of his desk drawer...just to take the edge off?
Or is he making too much of it? Kratom's not all that powerful...he's not going to sink into the abyss from a few morning burns. Kratom is burned by housewives and feild laborers....it's not smack. It's not even weed, and half the people in his business are high on principle.
He gets that...but it's the pattern he's worried about....the idea that it's ok to mix business with pleasure...or maybe pleasure with business. What if the two become linked? Inseparable....what if he ends up needing the buzz just to make facing another day behind the desk a palatable thing?
But that was a pretty great morning. Sitting there riding the waves of Kratom and simultaneously IN HIS ELEMENT. Making shit happen. Thriving. In total control, and not completely sober. With a secret.
Maybe just one more burn tomorrow.