Do you ever have one of those days where you sabotage anything good you have going? Most of the time these days I have really good days. Days where I get up and am productive, I get things done, I get out and do things. Then there are those days where I don't do anything I'm supposed to, and either sleep all day, or like today, I've been on here most of the day. Instead of yesterday morning going to my DBT class and then seeing my psychiatrist. I called and rescheduled for this morning... but no.. I couldn't get up and make an appt at 11:30! No renewal on my ritalin or Seroquel or Bentyl, or Clonazepam, untill I see her. And she is not available next week, I knew all this when I missed my appointment. Well ok, I have enough of all of them to last me 2 weeks.
And then there is my friend that died, tonight is the viewing, and I just can't do it, I can't face it. (As I wrlte this Flossy the Cow is enjoying the addiction she MUST quit because of the low dose chemo, but instead sits there and smokes meth, maybe that will give her some energy, strength, courage... all those things she is lacking at the moment) But it doesn't.. I should know better than anyone it's about cognitive thinking. But the thought of leaving my house or answering the phone causes me so much anxiety right now that I feel paralyzed. I need to go to the store, the cat is out of food, today is my step-dad's birthday, I still need to get him a gift, I need cat litter. I certainly need a shower.
Ok, that's enough of the pity party. Everyday I wake up and say this is the day. This is the day I'm going to get clean. And everyday .... well we know how that's working out. I really do enjoy my D-F family, and the little place here where I can be me, be honest, get advice and support, and not be judged. It also makes me feel good when I can offer advice to someone else, or have something to offer to a conversation. The real word doesn't understand people with addiction, mental illness, those who are recovering or recovered addicts. It's now time for me to get off the pot so to speak and get past my anxiety, I have a funeral and a birthday party to attend to and people are counting on me. But on my big girl panties, set down the computer and get done what needs to be done, especially what I need to do for my own self. I do wish you all a great weekend... and for now peace out...
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