The Good Wizard and I recalled the following. The main bulk occurred more then 8 years ago, but we still feel its effects on occasion. Much of it is crazy, I am reporting the experience as it has impacted us and how we dealt with it. I will speak of many crazy things, I will try to explain where we were coming from and how we now look back. Please see the end notes for more info.
We were working with Serpents and spirals at the time, pretty much any kind other then the physical ones. Studying DMT pythons, genetics, Quetzalcoatl, "the Snake that giveth Knowledge & Delight and bright glory, and stir the hearts of men with drunkenness", calenders, the Evil Eye, dragons, Cthul'hu, and much else. It was part of the cult we belonged to and we really got into it.
I think it was Fall Equinox. I know it was getting cold, soon snow. The night's sacrament was Teonanacatl, P. Cubensis and probably cacao/80%+chocolate, dose unknown.
This takes place in The House of Found, my freehold and home; I spent years crafting for the express purpose of taking drugs. Each room was worked floor to ceiling to provide different experiences. It was one of my masterpieces of art. At one time I had a hay loft for six months, 4 bales of hay for furniture, four spread out to fill the room, it was for a Samhain party and I kept it far longer then anyone would think sane (I wasn't at the time). But I digress....
Can't recall much of the first part of the night. At the time, the rituals always started in the temple, in my attic, which was underwater, blue lighting, giant fish, coral, sea anemones. That room was designed to be intense enough to drive the tripp out after a while, to the rest of the house.
We were in the living room and I started to dance. Or to use voodoo terms, the serpents started to ride me. I used to dance a lot, it helped relieve my tics, when my Tourette's was a lot worse and psychedelics always make them worse. It was Spirals and Snakes, not surprising, we had invited Them in, asked for Their visions, and sure enough They came. I wasn't exactly enjoying this dance, I quite wanted to stop. Tourette's is semi-conscious, you only have some control over how you move, for many years I was at constant and violent war with my body, this situation wasn't exactly unexpected.
While dancing these snakey~spirals~and~twists, I was having visions of three serpents helixing through me, my body contorting to their movements. I started to speak. How the world was ending, how the rituals were useless, that magick was gone from the world, we had lost, everything was crumbling. Visions and Words of the Apocolypse, the Slow Decay, of the Corruption, of the Delusions of Maya. That humanity had gone to far, no amount of innovation would save us.
Needless to say, neither of us much liked this at all, but the hopelessness and despair was overwhelming. We fell for the lies of the Serpents. We forgot our training, we never questioned their intent or honor, we failed to arm ourselves properly, we dove into a dangerous working, head first, eyes closed. We invoked what we could not put down.
We knew they were lies, but they were good lies, believable lies, or maybe we still just tell ourselves that because they were horrible and a possibility we shudder to think of.
The next day was terrible. Grey and cold, completely hopeless. The third member of our circle tried to talk sense into us, he and some others would do this many times. We would acknowledge that visions are just unconsciousness, that Serpents Lie, that we had asked for these visions and the God Flesh supplied as requested. But they were potent visions, visions we spent somewhere more then an hour, but less then an eternity in, visions we just couldn't shake.
It took a lot of work to get back to baseline. We did our daily things, took care of ourselves as best we could. We tried herbs, drugs, ritual, reading, meditation, walking, talking, song, and dance. I'm not sure how long it took, but at least two to three months. Two to three months to build new walls, push back a corner of our minds, to come to terms with that darkness. We never really managed to resolve it though.
It last came back to me, this past Dark Night, Mid-Winter. We had plans for the Spice I have been keeping. My partner was under a lot of work stress and once again backed out at last minute. I recalled Liber AL "Let it be that state of manyhood bound and loathing. So with thy all; thou hast no right but to do thy will. Do that, and no other shall say nay." I felt her saying No, meant I was doing the wrong things, like what the Serpents say. I went through the same visions, sans dance and drugs. I was sick if catharsis, mine, and the ones we share at the rituals. Our last few season shifts have been rough, there's been more then a few deaths and other losses, in our tribe, in our family. I called off and started a fight. It got pretty intense, hurtful things were said and thought. Brother against Brother, you know how that can get.
There's been other times. The seeds of doubt remain. Doubt in humanity, in the future, in hope. Visions of an empty grey future. We've had them grow, bit since then, have dealt with them far more efficiently. Once a year or two one of us gets a little out of control. I was in a bad place when this all started and bared the brunt of the first few years, though in the past four years, I've healed in many ways. Usually it's only few hours every other year or so, though this last fight was a few weeks of silence.
You can't invite something in and toss it our if you don't like what they say. At least not in this sort of situation.
Our rituals are catharsis and celebration. Remembrances, stories, song, dance. Secular, Satirical, Self-Effacing. They are how we vent the pressures of the world, remind ourselves of reality, keep each other from going over the edge. We don't believe in religious stuff, I hope there is more Jung then not.
Psychosis, HPPD, Visions, Spirits of Our Unconsciousness, I tend to think a little of all of them. A lot of this was a manifestation of our studies, fears, and doubt, but there has always been something else we just can't shake.
Tripp in groups of three or more. It's two easy for one person to get a little crazy and the other to fall into it. A third person doubles your chances that someone is going to slap you and say "knock it off you're sounding bat-shit!"
This is one of the psychedelic nights that has shaped me to who I am today. Can't say it was a high-light of my life, but I can't say it isn't either. I'm pretty good at embracing the bad shit, in some ways, it's my job, but that's a story for another night.
When we told this story tonight, we felt proud that we have been able to handle this shit. A lot of people loose their minds to this sort of thing, ESPECIALLY when someone agrees with them. As Brothers, we could have fallen apart, bit we fought back and beat it. everyone in the room agreed, that our tribe does a good job of keeping each other in check, none of us are entirely sane, but we don't let our strange ideas interfere with reality.
I don't Believe in any of this stuff, this is just how it Happened.