So it's a week on from the last time I posted, during that time I've been almost completely free of taking valium and no cravings for H. Plagued by dreams of ravenous want last night which I woke from a couple of times but chose to stay asleep to stay in it, even though it was torturous. My dream was this:
It was about one of my exes, who I discovered was on a maintenance program of pure H (she's actually never touched H in her life but has been full time MJ smoker for years) and she wanted me to give her her fix. I was very upset by this because I wanted it myself and she wouldn't give me any. I struggled for ages, pretending not be able to get a vein (even though I am actually very good at venopuncture) and desperately trying to work out how to persuade her to give me some. Eventually I gave in and gave her the shot - very graphically represented in my dream, blood spurt and all and watched her get off. I could not handle this at all and went into near hysterics of desperate pleading which she eventually gave in and gave me a small fix. This was nowhere near enough however, I felt just like I'd taken valium and my eyes weren't even pinned - I noticed in anger that hers were so she got what I wanted and wouldn't share. She seemed amused, liked she knew she conned me and was revelling in how much greater a time she was having compared to me. I woke in tears, with a deep deep desire for H, a deep rooted desperate need for it and it made me very upset. needless to say i have settled for some valium, but that makes me upset and left wanting same as the dream, I mean it feels nice but it's not in the same league as a good hit.
It's worth pointing out to people who might not know at this point that I haven't taken scag for 20 years. For the last 8 1/2 years I have been undergoing intensive psychodynamic therapy and I think that it's been a shift up a level in that therapy that is causing all my cravings.
It's like after 8 years I'm finally getting right down to it and reaching the very deep parts of me that are in desperate need of whatever it is that being smacked off my face gives me.
I mentioned before that my last hypomania was only a month ago before this last one I've just been through. I always have a focus of a mad plan that I want to do when I get like this and I get obsessed with whatever it is I get comletely obsessed with it 24/7. It can sometimes be some unachievable amazing job that I might suddenly want to do but most of the time it's sexual, I get plagued by dreams about getting a right good seeing to (I've been single for 3 years) and it obsesses me for days afterwards. I don't actually do anything about it like I used to do when I was younger as I know that promiscuity isn't healthy for me.
This previous one was abot sex, I managed to work through it in therapy and realise that actually it wasnt sex I wanted but intimacy and ultimately love - it really wasn't focused on physical sensations but on that deep sense of love you get from someone in a loving sexual realtionship. We talked a lot about desire and what my desire was telling me I wanted in relation to fantasies I have. We made a plan to explore these fantasies and try and learn what they were telling me about the kind of person I was looking for to give me this feeling I so desperately wanted, their personality traits and so on. Basically so I could make plans to work out how to find this person and ultimately get what I want.
I realised this morning that the intense and desperate desire for Heroin is almost exactly the same feeling I have when I'm desiring intimate love. The desperation I have felt during this time of craving H is very similar. Except it seems to be up a level into more of a reality, I mean I've HAD the experience of what H gives me, and potentially it's a lot easier to get again than this elusive relationship that I've never experienced. (I've been constantly in relationships beofre the last 3 years but always with the wrong people, or at least not those capable of feeding that particualr desire). I think that's why the desire just wont go away so fast - potentially heroin bliss is within my grasp, whereas real love seems unachievable still and so much harder to find.
I've always known intellectually that lack of parental love can lead to drug abuse, but I think it's only now that I'm really getting to understand it and exactly what it leaves you with as a sexual adult looking for that unconditional love and the satiation of that hungry desire that true love brings.
So I know that the only answer for this young part of me is to find that love I seek. But I'm so close to just getting it from drugs instead because it seems so much easier. Someone let me know about the heroin drought which I have to say has been the MOST helpful information I've got on here. Obviously being so out of touch with the drug world I had no idea about this and the prospect of giving in to scoring and then not even getting what I want and remember is really helping me to stay away. I still remember very vividly the best hit I ever had and I want it, I want EXACTLY THAT ONE. The thought of that being unachievable is as upsetting as taking valium is to me at the moment - it's like being given an amuse bouche, but not being allowed into the banquet.
I'm so tortured, I want heroin, desperately desperately, but I know what I really need is love......
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