Saw the "attitude of gratitude what are you grateful for" thread today. I thought of this but didn't want to post this in the thread because it was really real and really long - taking LSD tonight I want nothing left of dead weight in my life that was driving me to do the same types of things I felt remorse for. felt bad about managing to get arrested for possesion at 12 so naturally after that I constantly bought drugs as much as I could it's a wonder I have avoided another arrest. I have reached a point where I have to share my real flaws with today being the year away from when someone who I cared about had to cut me off entirely because he feared my self hatred from not being able to hold out would make him relapse - and then just dying out of the blue because you got hit by another car. I am glad I was convinced that sometimes you need to have these things which have been very right so I wasn't going to argue with you and listened with open ears because I was always wrong. I will release these as I can write them I can't exactly handle it everyday. I didn't want to take LSD tonight and be focusing on things I deep down already know and waste the dose. Started with shawn because he was hope incarnate and should be here to smoke cannabis extracts in the middle of school and talk to someone about topics most people aren't comfortable discussing. and afterwards help a lot of people with any issue possible. I thought on the contrary to being enraged and depressed at something like addiction and failure and emotional consequences of that I should write down the happiest things I had and how I got there. How I nearly never would have even had it anywhere else I just liked that school it wasn't boring. But now that I'm over the big stuff hopefully I can be more flexible about why I like or dislike my environment.
You burned a close friendship we would've been gathering everyone together skipping the boring classes to smoke and talk about life, death, other people and basically anything we felt like talking about a little over a year ago. He had to try to help someone who needed it so badly and had no clue. I saw that despite what he went through he bounced back from something he couldn't stop happening and I saw you are still the same person trying to help people out with a long rant when you can't allow absurd lies to be told to people you knew who wondered how I'd been. So I said that I was over it and better than when I was rushed to the ER for OD caught with needle in arm and kicked out of school again.
You had me start to put more value in my life rather than this is just because of bad decisions compounded by drugs, alcohol and more awful decisions that's not the end for me but something that simply happened it was a journey which I believe has allowed me to grow in ways I never could if I just quit and did it it felt really insulting to people but he left me with advice that i didn't really consider doing until now. Don't exist as a shadow in the aftermath of a pointless obsession over and collection of all your bad things find good things and utilize them and be a helping hand to everyone not hands that shake when I think about the logistics of trying to go through fund and contain an unending need to spend my life living for the sole purpose of buy this bag, get these needles, wash hands with alcohol, rip q tip off, filter, insert needle in vein and inject this drug as much as you can find a way to pay for it thousands of dollars and then immediately spend that on something you openly accept is likely going to be a cause of death and didn't even manage to merely slow down quitting was incomprehensible.
because I thought I didn't deserve to think about sobriety or rehabs or appreciating all of the good things that happened as well as accepting the bad so I should just not progress as a person. I just deserved to shoot up to try to get rid of where I get depressed at living a life I am now unable to maintain, fund, conceal or control(because I saw addicts who were stronger, a lot more confident no matter what they faced and people who were so involved and kind for as long as they could die from one bad decision or just get unlucky and have someone dump fentanyl in your heroin because a fair amount of heroin dealers somehow thought that risking accidentally killing customers is good for profit. I thought I should be dead in someones place just pick someone I thought I deserved whatever happens because I need to self medicate. Addiction was an issue I couldn't even see until too late struggling to push down on the plunger because I'm not even sure why I need it so much but I always accepted it since I first tried opiates I knew they were taking priority right then from that point.
I'm so happy to have had these thoughts I am finally letting go of doubt, cynicism, anger and depression. And I'm letting go of figuring out exactly how it got there. I'm very happy at the memories I am remembering and grateful that pointless things will not bog me down again. I will not lose sight of what led me to this. just accepted I have a reason to stop and what saved me was advice I didn't act on until long after you were dead. I know that you're happy because you lived for the sake of having random conversations, guiding people towards were they truly belonged and never caring about the past and letting it get to you again. and for coming to realize you hated to see people unhappy or in pain yet you let that slide a lot before which is why you did heroin. I can understand that maybe it took a not so good person and rough times to make you you.
I have been lazy and spiritually, mentally and morally apathetic. I'm done I cannot lie to myself anymore and rationalize my addiction as something I want to be doing so I am stopping the turbulent waves of false comfort and pleasure or jarring withdrawals or losing my mind on whatever drug I randomly decided to do and never thought twice about. o never told you that never mind about me I see the path you walked as well the remorse of a human with their conscience and empathy more intact than they'd hoped that sheer overwhelming worthlessness when you failed and someone suffered from it could probably drive anyone to drugs. Hell I was already doing drugs when I ran into it. You chose to embody hope in word and action actually mean it you really got nothing out of anything other than satisfaction someone was better off now because you pushed yourself to be there because you couldn't let anyone else do it you had to but no ulterior motives just psychological well being and inward happiness that is good for everyone who sees it.
I'm sorry I was numb, I forgot where I was headed and why I wanted to go there. I forgot why I was even at your school in the first place to salvage my education and make a new option that wasn't unchecked drug addiction and a mind distracted by the worst shit that ever happened to it. I was desperate to meet new people who didn't use heavy drugs chronically despite however good they thought it might feel that was the first time I've seen a majority of people be functional casual users and usually just nicotine or weed smokers no serious pill poppers it was very surreal. It's not like I was surrounded by more at home it's just I stopped giving a fuck about everything non drugs which included cutting everyone who I couldn't use to buy or score out of my life and I'm left with people who share the same flaws as me in life poor self control, no self awareness, need human interactions to be motivated and meeting people again that's how people grow that's fairly obvious and I always thought I was an exception because I was distracted and didn't really care. No I cared I just tried to suppress it and told myself I didn't deserve it.
This is the first of a couple posts a lot of my friends died last year from heroin at the same time that was a huge hit for people who were barely into heroin to die from it. It's great to share this stuff on the internet because then you have to know that someone knows. I don't even care if no on reads this because it's too long as long as I know that someone could know if they wanted to. I did what I should've done I thought about things and started to see how the lies weren't stacking up and I should do more than not even bother trying to avoid heroin overdose and death because it felt good. I've gotta see what comes next I've gotta see what people are out there that I missed or didn't run into before. Need to go to college like you thought I should so I can give my brain something to focus on. I need an influx of new people, opinions and ideas for my brain because after I bored it last time I hate to see what another colossal failure would mean for everything that I really actually thought was good for me but didn't deserve. This is like a public open letter to a friend. I don't know if I ever properly articulated what i did to get here other than being vague and so high I really couldn't communicate.
I've been in sober mind all day this is all very accurate this is exactly what I've done how and why I failed and failed again and again. It did happen to be heroin for me but if I had someone elses brain it could very easily have been a wide range of drugs. I don't hate opiates or view other addicts as "worthless" I fully respect anyone who displays self control with opiates because I failed brilliantly on the other hand and I know what addicts go through so I have no real hate for the drug or it's users just that because of this single drug incompatibility with my brain and brain chemistry I was a born opiate addict. I fucked up constantly to be able to get a hold of it. I hate that I lose track of time constantly and forget to checkup on people I know that I shared good things with. I still have a couple left yes most are dead but that's better than going to somewhere you thought was boring with people you couldn't get to know due to their general insecurities and no mutual desire to have a conversation to learn about people and build off that.
I just have a lot of things coming back to me and I think I need to let psychedelics do their work not bogged down by things you knew were there. accept, see the things that made you happy now accept that you didn't pursue this course of action sooner. I just like getting things off my chest and at the very least maybe someone who reads it can find something good for them but this wasn't to help this was to breathe and let go and telling people how I just started doing it suddenly is kinda hard to explain.
I guess way back when I was 12 I STILL had pretty weird boredom constantly and time and money to kill. I feel like most people would stop were they me at that first arrest like it's a wake up call but nope I just obliviously cruised through and nearly lost everything that is important. Places that are comforting people that you get along with, a lot of good memories a lot of good stories. The one time I did get caught there think of all the times I did drugs and didn't have whoever it was I forget walk in on me in a self induced coma with a lot of drugs and paraphernalia I forgot I had when and left there when they conducted a search of my room. At the very least I have a lot of
Life is crazy but that's exactly what I'm counting on now. It's not right for me to be one of the people not dead from OD but I know life isn't fair so I've accepted that too. I'm grateful my parents wanted to have a family, I'm grateful that was me, I'm grateful I never died in childbirth or died in childhood or in some accident or from disease and on top of all that I constantly overdosed and almost never completely went to the point where I am irreversibly dead after an injection. Had one close call but they had got me back that is and how a lot of people aren't exactly overjoyed with life situations better than being a heroin addict so I'm grateful that in the end something worked out because I'm so lucky I didn't lose this joy entirely. When I thought I had nothing I had some sheer luck not to be a statistic I'll never forget that; now that I'm stopping some of this stuff I've been doing I feel clearer. I just feel like writing all of it down like a letter is a nice gesture to someone who had interest in my life and it's easier to write than just telling my story it's clearer when you bring light in so you can see what you're writing and why you care about it.