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  1. jessilee
    So I havent been on much. I thought with getting the new job id have all this free time. I dont. I didnt quit the other jobs. Ive now got 3 jobs. And I am constantly working. And its been pretty hard to keep up. So much stuff to lean and responsibility I just feel weighed down. I was happy to keep my 2 bartending jobs cause now it seems like more fun to do, rather than having to put on nylons, skirts, and high heels everyday. Not to mention I have to keep my potty mouth in check for 40 hours out of the week. I really swear like a sailor at the bartending job now. And I enjoy it. ;p haha

    With all the busy stuff daily life I have had kinda been neglectful of my friendship with Kay we see each other about twice a week, but only during my lunches at work. Its been a pretty rough road for her. Her court case done and she got the amost amazing deal ever! She should be happy, but her depression is bad and her problems are extremely draining on my already busy schedule... she still has tons of stuff to take care of, and it seems like we share incomes. Yet im the one with a family of four. But I never leave her hanging. I had stayed clean this whole time. Until last night. I cant believe it but I bought. Kay went to visit an "old friend" and I was joking and said "ahhh wouldnt it be great to have some time again?? Get high" and she was all over that. She went and got it. So I got some.... im having mixed feelings about this lapse in judgment im having
    . One part of me says," my god are you stupid. You have too much going on and a serious job for you to be messing around. What you going to do when you're coming off this crap and you have paper work in a serious job to get done!"
    The other part saying " its not like you have money for this, not like it will be as bad as before. Your not going to get all the time. Kay cant even do this like she used to. Just dont go all out with it where you cant function"

    In any case. Im not proud. This could always be that one time where you get pulled over, or make a sever mistake in someone finances and lose a job over it. Or your behavior is so off that people notice... Im getting more mad at myself as I think about it. And its not even that great of a high anymore. I have to be extra careful cause since I work so much I have gotten to be an early to bed early to rise kind of person. And all the sudden im awake all night? Wont fly. So im sat here in the dark on my phone last night. How lame. And I keep telling myself dont go all goofy and shit. Dont get strung out.. but I refuse to dump the bag right now...

    Whats going on with me? I was doing so well. Why did I give in? I really didnt have a sever urge. It was just... available... and I know I wont be able to keep getting. And I dont want to. It did a lot of damage to my guts, nose, and teeth. And I took care of myself!

    Im guess this 8-5 full time job is forcing me to grow up. I thought its what I wanted. Stability, not begging for tips, not relying on people to come to the bar to make a living and end up with the slowest day ever... I wanted tbe prestige of having and office. For all the people that thought I was white trash. I wanted them to see I could do it. But now. Im just bored. Its not very stimulating job. And when you have to wait two weeks to get paid I constantly feel broke. Budgeting, and scraping by. I always had cash working at the bar. But I never put any of it in the bank.. I dont have time for my art anymore. So I wanted the extra time. For a week.. thats it.. look at me justify away.

    I have hope as always. Keeping positive and still working my ass off in hopes of climbing the corporate ladder. Being satisfied and not needing drugs to give me the time I need, or the reason to be happy. And I know for me, and everyone on this board who has the I own little slip ups will ultimately succeed. We just have to have personal strength. I will regain mine back. Im sorry if I disappointed anyone.

    I was starting to feel really good before this slip up. Almost normal. The erratic choices I was making went away. My digestive system back to normal. I really pray I havent taken too huge of a step backwards.

Comments

  1. Beenthere2Hippie
    Hi, Jessilee- I know you've been reading DF long enough to realize that slip-ups like the one you jut went through are just another aspect of reconstructing one's life after detox. Truth is, more people do it than not. And more people than not who make slip-ups like this wind up doing just fine and move forward from there on in afterwards--with no more slip-ups like it again. So please be kind to yourself, and continue to move forward in your mind and in your heart and in your actions.

    The worst thing you can do right now would be to punish yourself for having gone through a weak moment. And that's really all it was: a weak moment. You've learned from it and now you must move on. You were honest with yourself and those here with whom you've shared your story and that's the most important element in any recovery. You're doing fine and things will get better every day. Believe it and make it happen.

    Take care. :vibes:

    BT2H
  2. idfma
    Hi Jessi,

    It's nice to see you back. B2TH put it perfectly. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing really well, and if you have one (even if it's more than one) slip up, it's certainly not the end of the world. As a matter of fact it sounds to me like you're not just holding shit down, you're making changes.

    I don't wear hose (usually) to work :) but I have to wear a tie everyday, and it sucks. It's the price you pay for having an office, though. Congratulations on your new gig. Now we need to just work on getting you down to no more than two jobs ;-).

    Seriously, hang in there. I think you're doing awesome. You're not letting your use drive or control you. That's what matters. Keep it that way, and you're good to go.

    Thanks for the update. I was starting to wonder where you had gone off to.
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