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  1. Mick Mouse
    Well, it is happening, slowly but surely. I am losing interest in this, and it is becoming more of a chore than the intense experience that characterized my every log-in as it was in the past. I neglect my blog, I neglect the social groups, I haven't reached out to anyone on my friends list in so long I have forgotten when the last time was. There was a time when I would be on for literally hours each and every day, and now I just......don't care. I don't know when the last time I posted an article was. My responses to others have been curtailed.

    This is probably the most fascinating website I have ever found. But I have ceased making drugs as well as using them. Any experience I could possibly have had is far from unique, and has, in all likelihood, been recounted by someone here at some point in our history. And quite frankly, i have lost interest in the endless repetition of the common-sense aspects of drug use/abuse. You can only tell someone "don't do this because....." so many times before some twisted part of you says "fuck yeah, you idiot! Go ahead and do all of that and then do a little more, just to make sure! And when you are done, make sure you post a request for help in all caps, using terms like ASAP, and asking if you are going to die. Of course you are going to die, you fucking moron. We are ALL going to die eventually! But with any luck at all, you will go first and all of these stupid goddamn questions will finally GO AWAY!"


    You can no doubt see why I would think I am having a slight issue here. This dialog, internal or not, is not appropriate for our mission. And even though it is, for the most part, internal at this point, I have seen its ugly face peering out of the cracks in my facade. And I am certain that anyone who has ever followed what I have had to say has noticed the difference over the past several months as well. And while I would dearly love to point out the reasons for this as being changes in the way the forum is run or the evolution of the forum in general or whatever, the truth is simply that it is me and me alone.

    The reasons for this are as complicated as I am. But essentially, the core reason is that my philosophy of life is in flux. I am questioning certain aspects that I have long held as immutable. I would also dearly love to be able to put this down as a "standard male mid-life crisis", but this involves my very core beliefs and the manner in which I relate to the world.

    Until this evolution has progressed further and my mental state has improved, I have decided to go back to my corner and lurk in the shadows. I am leaving several projects dangling, but.....oh well. I'll get back to them eventually. Or I won't! At this point, I don't care. Which really sucks.

    But I cannot help others when I am shattered myself. I need to get my head wrapped around who and what I am now, as well as what I want to be in the future, rather than what I was or what I did in the past. I need to remember that people are people, and are deserving of respect-not just objects to be manipulated for my amusement or desire.

    I need to re-discover humanity. I traded mine away out of necessity while in the military for a very specific skill set-which was fine......as long as those skills were being focused in the proper manner. But that ended decades ago, and I never gave them back, until they became who and what I was. I have been working on this for years, but finally understand what is necessary for further progress to occur. And it is going to get really, really ugly.

    But one lesson I have learned to be true across every spectrum.....anything can be destroyed. People, places, ideals, beliefs, dreams, faith-nothing is safe from the destruction of a determined man, and nothing can stop a man determined to change that which offends him.

    I have looked into the mirror, and I am offended. I have bartered my soul for glittering trinkets. I have traded true wealth for empty promises. I have become that which I hate, which I have always fought against. I forgot the mask could come off, until I forgot it was a mask to begin with.

    No more. As in every game (which is exactly what life is), there comes a point in which you say "fuck it. I'm all in." No testing the waters with my toe, I can see it's boiling and I'm jumping in head first. Maybe it will burn the monster away. I guess we will see! But until then........

Comments

  1. Joe-(5-HTP)
    c'est la vie my friend, c'est la vie.
  2. SpatialReason
    This sounds a lot like my own world.

    There are times where I wonder why I am around here. Only recently have I started using things again, but it isn't horrendous addictive substances that ruled my life as was there prior. I have just lost interest in drugs.

    Its like a tween-teen phase that I had with Pokemon. Drugs were my college days fascination. Now I am trying to lead my life to something better.
  3. Mick Mouse
    Still alive. Starting to get to the point in which I feel I deserve to remain that way, but honestly, that is still a ways off yet. This has been so much harder than I thought it would be, and yet, as I continue through this journey, I have come to understand that it is so much easier than I deserve. But the worst is yet to come, I have not yet fully committed to what I know needs to be done, and until I cross my own personal Rubicon and do so, I see that no true healing will be possible. I am dealing with the details, and not the cause.

    And that will be done. I see what I have to do, I know what needs to be done, but.....I am afraid. Plain and simple. If you can understand ripping a scab off of a wound, what I am attempting is cutting open my soul, brutally probing around with a sharp stick, and ripping out every last shred of ugliness and evil that I have packed in and compressed over the past 35 years and allowed to grow until it permeated every aspect of my life.

    Finished off 12 weeks of "professional counseling", which was worse than useless. Well, that is not totally true, it got me to a point in which I took action. So based on that alone, it was successful. But it solved nothing, addressed nothing important, made me unbelievably uncomfortable, and reinforced everything I already knew was "wrong". So, as with most things, if you want something done right, you must do it yourself. Isn't that they way we all know (and have always known) it to be? No person other than yourself can ever take away your problems, be they addictions, legal matters, relationship issues, or, as in my case, horrors from your past-both done to you and done by you to others. They can help, but in the end, it comes down to you.

    To me. I could, and can, and will no longer face the thing I see in the mirror each day. Its very existence offends me. So I have decided that it would be in the best interests of the world at large and myself in particular to destroy it.....completely, utterly, and totally. This is going to be both quite ugly as well as very interesting and, to be totally honest, the bloody sadistic part of me is quivering at the prospect of the carnage. That part of me will be destroyed as well, but the thought of the action outweighs the knowledge of the end result.....a huge part of me is completely terrified at what I know is to come, but a part of me feels an almost sexual excitement at the prospect.

    Anyway, the "professionals" couldn't help. Mind-expanding chemicals have been considered and rejected as being unsuitable for use in an unmonitored setting. I am currently a couple of weeks into a regimen of yoga, meditation, diet changes, and a complete cessation of all chemicals. I want a balanced state before I open the compartment of ugliness and evil. I have made arrangements to spend some time in the near future with a Shaman I know from SE Arizona, as well as a Wiccan High Priestess from there as well. Not so much for the spiritual components (although that will be addressed as well) as for the inner journey in a monitored setting with my Shaman and a "reintroduction" to the living, breathing, natural side of life from the HP.

    Why Paganism? Simple. First, I am Pagan. Second, monothestic religions were considered, because of their aspect of forgiveness and whatnot, but I am not prepared to deal with the guilt and judgement of others at this time-which is also another of their specialities. An atheist/agnostic/scientific approach was considered, but.....I cannot do this by myself. And science was tried, to little or no avail. So when all else fails and failure itself is not an option, what do you do? You go back to what you know to be true, what you know works.

    I was a good man once. A good person. I have been told that I could be a person like that again, if I chose to be. Not that exact person of course, but "a" good man. Honestly, I have my doubts. But the people who told me this-I trust them. And I can count the number of those I trust on one hand. So out of respect for them, I will.....believe. I will endure the self-inflicted agonies of purification-physical, mental, and emotional.

    I will destroy that which I have allowed myself to become-branch, trunk, and root. To paraphrase a song lyric, it is time to "get better or die tryin'".

    I was not going to log back on here. Perhaps not ever again, perhaps just not for a much longer time. But a wiser head told me a wise thing. I was told that, believe it or not, there are people here who care about you. Not you the avatar or you the moniker, but you the person. And those people deserve the consideration that you understand and acknowledge-and appreciate-that concern. After dwelling on that for a while, I arrived at the same conclusion. A big part of my healing process is and will continue to be is the understanding that people are people-they can love and care and understand.....and there is NO hidden agenda. Trust and acceptance will also be big parts as well. There will be good people and bad people. But there will be good people!

    And I choose to.....try.

    Regardless of the pain.

    This was originally meant to be a very short up-date of sorts. But (as that wiser head also told me) communication is also a form of healing. Honesty and trust, and no more burying the negatives, is a firm start on my journey. So it turned into a ramble. But now, for those of you who care, you know where I am. The hard part is just getting ready to start, but I will be back.

    Eventually.

    Maybe to finish telling the story and take my leave for good. Maybe to finish telling the story and return here alive and renewed. Maybe to relate a tale of total failure!

    I can no longer see my destination. Quite frequently, I cannot even see the path! But I can see the direction now.

    Forward.

    Up.

    And I have to go now.
  4. Mick Mouse
    It has been a very interesting 8 weeks. I feel a lot better and I am viewing the world, and the people in it, a lot differently now. This entire several months has been one long journey that I have subconsciously put off for way too long, mostly out of fear. I had to reveal myself TO myself, to see what I had become and why, and the real me is a scary proposition on my best days! But there was a reason why I was how I was, and I had to finally address that reason and come to terms with it. But facing down the man in the mirror is always harder than it sounds! And as in most challenges, the facade it presents is always bigger than the challenge itself, just as the wreckage a negative incident causes will only multiply over time when not addressed properly, until you lose sight of (or bury and try to forget) the triggering event. And digging that out, to relive it and try to gain some understanding of why was more painful that I expected it to be. More painful than I would wish on my greatest enemy! Because you have to really look at yourself, you have to remove all of the masks that you have trusted in and depended on for all these years and deal with the real you.
    I went to see an old friend of mine, who is a practicing Shaman in the southeastern part of Arizona, and he said he could not do anything for me. Said I already know what is wrong, just like I already know what needs to be done. All I have to do is come to terms with it and do it. Similar comments from my Wiccan High Priestess friend, she said that I had deliberately thrown myself out of balance as a form of protection and until I addressed that issue, there was nothing that could be done.
    So I......addressed the issue. And while it was, and continues to be, emotionally painful, it is amazing how much smaller it looks when you look back at it, rather than staring up at it.
    Started counseling again, to clean up some lingering bitterness and resentments, as well as to brush up on the necessary CBT techniques I was using to get over this and move on. And I am trying to learn how to just let shit go, rather than obcess over it to the point of craziness.
    I still have a way to go, and I am waiting to hear back from Alfa on a particular request I made, but I just thought I would toss out a little up-date on what has been going on.
  5. thirdeyelasik
    I have been where you are..the post drug use now I am going to DO something with my life phase. Only problem is once you have kids, a good job with recognition, great wife...then we are still left with the empty void we started with..or at least that is how it was for me. Drugs and mind altering states is vastly more interesting than work recogition and buying things. Having a kid and wife is the only thing post drug use I have found worthwhile and worth obsessing about. Needless to say I use droogz now but nowhere near when I was 18-25.
  6. Reasonable
    I would like for you to engage in an experiment, a challenge if you will.

    If it goes as planned, it could turn out to be very rewarding for you.

    You often mention the "mask" you wear.

    Until now it has been a way for you to keep two parts of your personality separated.

    I want you to buy an actual realistic looking mask and wear it for an entire day and sleep with it on throughout the night.

    You will have an interesting dream consisting of a very particular instruction given to you by the man pictured in my avatar.

    When you awake, forget his instruction and go stand in front of the nearest mirror and rip the mask off abruptly to see the real you.

    You will find this to be the turning point.

    It will be a truly profound experience.

    I hope you will report back with your results if you dare accept the challenge.
  7. natey7
    Nailed it.
  8. Mick Mouse
    Been there, done that.

    All the mask does is conceal the monster beneath. The over-riding issue is coming to terms with the monster. I know who and what I am, that has never been the issue. The issue is.....can I change? Can I become someone for whom the lives and dreams of others are important, as compared to being the means to an end which only benefits me.

    I am a sociopath, you are nothing more to me than a place marker in a game in which I am the main, and only real, important player. You exist to further my wishes and my place in the game. You mean nothing to me, because you are not "real".
    Now do you understand what I have been dealing with? Why I do and say what I do?

    You are not fucking real to me! When I take off the mask, all I see is.....me.

    I am honestly not trying to be offensive, merely honestly answering your question. I will never change, do you understand that? All I can do is come to terms with my worldview and realize that I HAVE to deal with this on a case by case basis-EVERYONE is suspect, but I can make exceptions on a case-by-case basis.

    The United States government, via the US Army, did this. I am a killer, plain and simple. It is all I have ever known. I would like to say that I dream of a normal life, but my dreams have been blood and gore soaked for longer than you have been alive-Death is an old and very well-known friend, and he no longer holds any fear for me. Sometimes, I long for his embrace.

    My goal is to come to terms with what has been done to me and what I have done to others, in response to that, There can never be forgiveness for what I have done. I fully realize that.

    But I also realize that, in order to retain any semblance of humanity, I have to try.

    And as always, failure is not an option.

    Get better, or die trying.
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