Well, it is happening, slowly but surely. I am losing interest in this, and it is becoming more of a chore than the intense experience that characterized my every log-in as it was in the past. I neglect my blog, I neglect the social groups, I haven't reached out to anyone on my friends list in so long I have forgotten when the last time was. There was a time when I would be on for literally hours each and every day, and now I just......don't care. I don't know when the last time I posted an article was. My responses to others have been curtailed.
This is probably the most fascinating website I have ever found. But I have ceased making drugs as well as using them. Any experience I could possibly have had is far from unique, and has, in all likelihood, been recounted by someone here at some point in our history. And quite frankly, i have lost interest in the endless repetition of the common-sense aspects of drug use/abuse. You can only tell someone "don't do this because....." so many times before some twisted part of you says "fuck yeah, you idiot! Go ahead and do all of that and then do a little more, just to make sure! And when you are done, make sure you post a request for help in all caps, using terms like ASAP, and asking if you are going to die. Of course you are going to die, you fucking moron. We are ALL going to die eventually! But with any luck at all, you will go first and all of these stupid goddamn questions will finally GO AWAY!"
You can no doubt see why I would think I am having a slight issue here. This dialog, internal or not, is not appropriate for our mission. And even though it is, for the most part, internal at this point, I have seen its ugly face peering out of the cracks in my facade. And I am certain that anyone who has ever followed what I have had to say has noticed the difference over the past several months as well. And while I would dearly love to point out the reasons for this as being changes in the way the forum is run or the evolution of the forum in general or whatever, the truth is simply that it is me and me alone.
The reasons for this are as complicated as I am. But essentially, the core reason is that my philosophy of life is in flux. I am questioning certain aspects that I have long held as immutable. I would also dearly love to be able to put this down as a "standard male mid-life crisis", but this involves my very core beliefs and the manner in which I relate to the world.
Until this evolution has progressed further and my mental state has improved, I have decided to go back to my corner and lurk in the shadows. I am leaving several projects dangling, but.....oh well. I'll get back to them eventually. Or I won't! At this point, I don't care. Which really sucks.
But I cannot help others when I am shattered myself. I need to get my head wrapped around who and what I am now, as well as what I want to be in the future, rather than what I was or what I did in the past. I need to remember that people are people, and are deserving of respect-not just objects to be manipulated for my amusement or desire.
I need to re-discover humanity. I traded mine away out of necessity while in the military for a very specific skill set-which was fine......as long as those skills were being focused in the proper manner. But that ended decades ago, and I never gave them back, until they became who and what I was. I have been working on this for years, but finally understand what is necessary for further progress to occur. And it is going to get really, really ugly.
But one lesson I have learned to be true across every spectrum.....anything can be destroyed. People, places, ideals, beliefs, dreams, faith-nothing is safe from the destruction of a determined man, and nothing can stop a man determined to change that which offends him.
I have looked into the mirror, and I am offended. I have bartered my soul for glittering trinkets. I have traded true wealth for empty promises. I have become that which I hate, which I have always fought against. I forgot the mask could come off, until I forgot it was a mask to begin with.
No more. As in every game (which is exactly what life is), there comes a point in which you say "fuck it. I'm all in." No testing the waters with my toe, I can see it's boiling and I'm jumping in head first. Maybe it will burn the monster away. I guess we will see! But until then........