So Damn Bored!

Still alive. Starting to get to the point in which I feel I deserve to remain that way, but honestly, that is still a ways off yet. This has been so much harder than I thought it would be, and yet, as I continue through this journey, I have come to understand that it is so much easier than I deserve. But the worst is yet to come, I have not yet fully committed to what I know needs to be done, and until I cross my own personal Rubicon and do so, I see that no true healing will be possible. I am dealing with the details, and not the cause.

And that will be done. I see what I have to do, I know what needs to be done, but.....I am afraid. Plain and simple. If you can understand ripping a scab off of a wound, what I am attempting is cutting open my soul, brutally probing around with a sharp stick, and ripping out every last shred of ugliness and evil that I have packed in and compressed over the past 35 years and allowed to grow until it permeated every aspect of my life.

Finished off 12 weeks of "professional counseling", which was worse than useless. Well, that is not totally true, it got me to a point in which I took action. So based on that alone, it was successful. But it solved nothing, addressed nothing important, made me unbelievably uncomfortable, and reinforced everything I already knew was "wrong". So, as with most things, if you want something done right, you must do it yourself. Isn't that they way we all know (and have always known) it to be? No person other than yourself can ever take away your problems, be they addictions, legal matters, relationship issues, or, as in my case, horrors from your past-both done to you and done by you to others. They can help, but in the end, it comes down to you.

To me. I could, and can, and will no longer face the thing I see in the mirror each day. Its very existence offends me. So I have decided that it would be in the best interests of the world at large and myself in particular to destroy it.....completely, utterly, and totally. This is going to be both quite ugly as well as very interesting and, to be totally honest, the bloody sadistic part of me is quivering at the prospect of the carnage. That part of me will be destroyed as well, but the thought of the action outweighs the knowledge of the end result.....a huge part of me is completely terrified at what I know is to come, but a part of me feels an almost sexual excitement at the prospect.

Anyway, the "professionals" couldn't help. Mind-expanding chemicals have been considered and rejected as being unsuitable for use in an unmonitored setting. I am currently a couple of weeks into a regimen of yoga, meditation, diet changes, and a complete cessation of all chemicals. I want a balanced state before I open the compartment of ugliness and evil. I have made arrangements to spend some time in the near future with a Shaman I know from SE Arizona, as well as a Wiccan High Priestess from there as well. Not so much for the spiritual components (although that will be addressed as well) as for the inner journey in a monitored setting with my Shaman and a "reintroduction" to the living, breathing, natural side of life from the HP.

Why Paganism? Simple. First, I am Pagan. Second, monothestic religions were considered, because of their aspect of forgiveness and whatnot, but I am not prepared to deal with the guilt and judgement of others at this time-which is also another of their specialities. An atheist/agnostic/scientific approach was considered, but.....I cannot do this by myself. And science was tried, to little or no avail. So when all else fails and failure itself is not an option, what do you do? You go back to what you know to be true, what you know works.

I was a good man once. A good person. I have been told that I could be a person like that again, if I chose to be. Not that exact person of course, but "a" good man. Honestly, I have my doubts. But the people who told me this-I trust them. And I can count the number of those I trust on one hand. So out of respect for them, I will.....believe. I will endure the self-inflicted agonies of purification-physical, mental, and emotional.

I will destroy that which I have allowed myself to become-branch, trunk, and root. To paraphrase a song lyric, it is time to "get better or die tryin'".

I was not going to log back on here. Perhaps not ever again, perhaps just not for a much longer time. But a wiser head told me a wise thing. I was told that, believe it or not, there are people here who care about you. Not you the avatar or you the moniker, but you the person. And those people deserve the consideration that you understand and acknowledge-and appreciate-that concern. After dwelling on that for a while, I arrived at the same conclusion. A big part of my healing process is and will continue to be is the understanding that people are people-they can love and care and understand.....and there is NO hidden agenda. Trust and acceptance will also be big parts as well. There will be good people and bad people. But there will be good people!

And I choose to.....try.

Regardless of the pain.

This was originally meant to be a very short up-date of sorts. But (as that wiser head also told me) communication is also a form of healing. Honesty and trust, and no more burying the negatives, is a firm start on my journey. So it turned into a ramble. But now, for those of you who care, you know where I am. The hard part is just getting ready to start, but I will be back.

Eventually.

Maybe to finish telling the story and take my leave for good. Maybe to finish telling the story and return here alive and renewed. Maybe to relate a tale of total failure!

I can no longer see my destination. Quite frequently, I cannot even see the path! But I can see the direction now.

Forward.

Up.

And I have to go now.

It has been a very interesting 8 weeks. I feel a lot better and I am viewing the world, and the people in it, a lot differently now. This entire several months has been one long journey that I have subconsciously put off for way too long, mostly out of fear. I had to reveal myself TO myself, to see what I had become and why, and the real me is a scary proposition on my best days! But there was a reason why I was how I was, and I had to finally address that reason and come to terms with it. But facing down the man in the mirror is always harder than it sounds! And as in most challenges, the facade it presents is always bigger than the challenge itself, just as the wreckage a negative incident causes will only multiply over time when not addressed properly, until you lose sight of (or bury and try to forget) the triggering event. And digging that out, to relive it and try to gain some understanding of why was more painful that I expected it to be. More painful than I would wish on my greatest enemy! Because you have to really look at yourself, you have to remove all of the masks that you have trusted in and depended on for all these years and deal with the real you.
I went to see an old friend of mine, who is a practicing Shaman in the southeastern part of Arizona, and he said he could not do anything for me. Said I already know what is wrong, just like I already know what needs to be done. All I have to do is come to terms with it and do it. Similar comments from my Wiccan High Priestess friend, she said that I had deliberately thrown myself out of balance as a form of protection and until I addressed that issue, there was nothing that could be done.
So I......addressed the issue. And while it was, and continues to be, emotionally painful, it is amazing how much smaller it looks when you look back at it, rather than staring up at it.
Started counseling again, to clean up some lingering bitterness and resentments, as well as to brush up on the necessary CBT techniques I was using to get over this and move on. And I am trying to learn how to just let shit go, rather than obcess over it to the point of craziness.
I still have a way to go, and I am waiting to hear back from Alfa on a particular request I made, but I just thought I would toss out a little up-date on what has been going on.

Been there, done that.

All the mask does is conceal the monster beneath. The over-riding issue is coming to terms with the monster. I know who and what I am, that has never been the issue. The issue is.....can I change? Can I become someone for whom the lives and dreams of others are important, as compared to being the means to an end which only benefits me.

I am a sociopath, you are nothing more to me than a place marker in a game in which I am the main, and only real, important player. You exist to further my wishes and my place in the game. You mean nothing to me, because you are not "real".
Now do you understand what I have been dealing with? Why I do and say what I do?

You are not fucking real to me! When I take off the mask, all I see is.....me.

I am honestly not trying to be offensive, merely honestly answering your question. I will never change, do you understand that? All I can do is come to terms with my worldview and realize that I HAVE to deal with this on a case by case basis-EVERYONE is suspect, but I can make exceptions on a case-by-case basis.

The United States government, via the US Army, did this. I am a killer, plain and simple. It is all I have ever known. I would like to say that I dream of a normal life, but my dreams have been blood and gore soaked for longer than you have been alive-Death is an old and very well-known friend, and he no longer holds any fear for me. Sometimes, I long for his embrace.

My goal is to come to terms with what has been done to me and what I have done to others, in response to that, There can never be forgiveness for what I have done. I fully realize that.

But I also realize that, in order to retain any semblance of humanity, I have to try.

And as always, failure is not an option.

Get better, or die trying.