After the disintegration of my second marriage, I vowed that I was done with relationships. So began my serial sex spree, absolutely objectifying women and finding that there are a great many of them that aren't bothered by that. I was catching up for lost time perhaps.
When one fling ended up being more than a one night stand, and I could tell that it was quickly turning into something. I don't know what, exactly, but I knew that I didn't want any part of it. That's when I decided for the first time in my life after discovering girls, what I really needed was to be alone. To actually abstain. To figure out who I really was. I had no idea who I was or what mattered to me. I was always partially defined by whichever female I was with. I had honestly never been alone.
So that's exactly what I did. I had no idea how it was going to go, being alone like that. But I soon realized that it was not only okay, but it was refreshing. I skirted anything that could have been more than nothing. I spent a great deal of time thinking. Eventually I did find myself, so to speak. I realized it over a year ago. I discovered what I believed and what values I held above all others.
As such, I had all but decided to stay this way. Alone, but not yearning for more. I fell into habitual life with myself. By now I was officially, completely, self-employed. I wasn't getting wealthy, I wasn't making enough money to put into savings, but I was self-sufficient and I absolutely loved it. This still holds true today. In fact, about a week ago I acquired several more domains in which to build on. A decidedly new theme that I hadn't explored. This led me to certain forums, meeting places of like-minds. This new subject all but consumed me and I dove head first, hungering for more.
So imagine my surprise, while talking to this person who had reached out to me with questions, that we hit it off completely. I found myself telling this person things that I never tell others, and she seemed to be doing the same. I realized that I was becoming enamored by this creature. I acknowledge, to myself, how attracted I was to her intelligence, the way she articulated herself. Her apparent wisdom and wonderful perspective. Quite incredible.
And then I find out that she's roughly a decade my junior. A bit crushing to me, privately of course. Who would want to be with someone my age at that age? I then realized that, hey, I wasn't looking for this anyway. I'm not in the market for something like this. But my own words didn't seem to ring quite so solid and true any longer. But I told myself that this too shall pass.
And then I receive her next message. She didn't seem to be quite herself. I recognized her writing, it was obviously her, but it seemed like something was on her mind. And then suddenly she starts telling me about how she had never been able to talk to someone on this level. That she eagerly awaited every message. That she loved the way I wrote, the way I thought. She wonders if I am single. She assures me that if I am not interested in her in that way, that she will drop it and not bring it up again because she wants to continue our discussions.
So here I am. I haven't responded. Do I actually express that I feel the same way bout her? WTF am I doing? I'm hoping that someone will read this and perhaps lend me some wisdom or another perspective since mine is obviously compromised.
If you actually read all of this, I appreciate it.
I hope all is well and you are all sleeping, getting good rest.